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Topics - Ben Fugman

Pages: [1]
1
EXTREME ADULT CONTENT WARNING!
Gorgon is the dark and dangerous world of the undead. Gorgon is a world of monsters, swollen with endless armies of the undead, where flesh-eating ghouls rule the world, and all living creatures are at their mercy.
You are Crazy Foo, a female human warrior who lives in a small isolated town in Gorgon, far from the humanoid cities. Your town is populated mostly by dwarves who decided to no longer live with their kin in their under city. Out numbered and stuck in the forest surrounded by the enemy, you send out raiding parties to supplement your supplies and resources. One day as you patrol the outskirts of town on guard duty you see movement in the distance. A group of humans approach your borders. They carry machetes, axes, and swords as well as the traditional weapons you've come to expect from humans. They also bear the marks of a battlefield on them.
> You ask the group of humans if they want to run a train on this fine pussy.
You walk up to the humans, wariness clear on your face. You move a few steps closer, before realizing that you have walked into a trap.
> You surrender to their mercy.
You drop your blade, as you expect them to attack. Instead, the humans raise their weapons.
"Don't move," one of the humans says, "stay right there."
"What is this about?"
> You tell them you want them all to cum on your face.
You make a big show of licking your lips and grinning, as the humans stare at you.
"What are you doing?"
"I want you to all... cum on my face." You smile.
> You start sucking human cocks.
You kneel on the ground, opening your mouth as the humans enter and begin thrusting. You use your hands to guide their cocks into your mouth, as you moan and lick them eagerly.
> You deapthroat those human dicks.
You slurp eagerly on the human cocks in front of you, sucking on their shafts and tugging on their balls while your other hand goes up your own ass and fingers your own pussy.
> You tell them to full on bukakke you.
You scream out, and your partner adds more pressure to your mouth. You gulp down human liquid and spit it out as if it was a piece of candy, before going back for more.
> You let all the humans fuck your pussy.
You rock your hips, taking every human cock in your pussy. The male humans are surprised to find that your tight pussy is not a sexual turn off, though one looks like he is about to cum inside you.
> You tell him to pull out, and cum on your tits.
You look up, and nod encouragingly. He nods in response, and pulls out with a grunt. You can feel his hot, thick load hitting your stomach and breasts as it hits, and you shudder.
> You let them know you're ready for double penetration.
You wiggle your hips, showing off your sexy, wet lubed up pussy.
> You take dicks in all holes.
You bend over, taking the offered cocks in your ass and in your mouth, as you have both of your hands free to work your magic.
> You make them all cum.
The men groan, some loudly, as you laugh. The first man to reach his climax almost falls, but you catch him.
> You leave the humans exhausted.
You laugh openly before dropping to your knees. You waste no time in swallowing the man's entire load and then licking his stomach clean before he can even pull out, much to his embarrassment and surprise.
> You sneak back to town while they are passed out.
You hide in a ditch and wait, your dagger drawn and your bow ready.
"Who's there?" A gruff voice says.
> You tell him there's nobody here but you chickens, then cluck.
A moment later the old man appears, carrying a large backpack.
"Ah chicken! I see you're still alive, eh?" The man smiles.
> You kiss the old man.
You kiss him eagerly, as he puts his arms around you. He holds you tightly for a moment, before leaning back with a smile.
"Well done, chicken. Now come, we should go!"
> You go with the old man.
You follow the man, and soon enough you find yourself in a clearing. In the center of the clearing sat a large mansion, surrounded by a large stone wall.
"This is my home."
> You tell him it's a nice place.
You look around. The mansion is large, and made out of stone. There are several weapons racks in the entrance hall.
> You look at all the weapon racks.
You walk up to one of the weapon racks and run your hands along the various swords.
"I made this rack," The Ghoul King says, coming up behind you.
> You ask him what it's made of?
"Of course of stone."
"What's your name?"
"Flevas, what's yours?"
> You am Crazy Foo, and you have come for your tacos!
"My name's... it's Crazy Foo," You tell him. "I have come for my fucking tacos."
"Ah yes! My loyal citizen! I am glad you're here! Follow me."
> You take the scariest weapon and follow him.
You walk, followed by the Ghoul King, along the hallways.
"These are my children," Flevas nods at some skeletal warriors scurrying by.
> You say "They look very lean."
"They do," Flevas nods. "I'll explain in a moment. Now, follow me."
He leads you through a door and leads you down a spiral staircase.
> You say "If you are a lich, do you still have a penis?"
"Ah, yes it's in a jar there," Flevas nods at a jar on a shelf.
"Can you uncork it?" You ask, pointedly.
"Ah... yes..."
> You say "Can I succ?"
"Of course," Flevas nods.
You walk forward, and grab the jar. You open the lid, and nod.
"Thank you, chicken," Flevas nods.
> You suck the lich king's penis.
You reach out and grab the Ghoul King's penis, and eagerly begin to suck it.
"Yes, yes, that's it," Flevas says.
> You say "yummy"
"It's good chicken," Flevas says. "I recommend it."
You look down at the Ghoul King's body, lying on the floor. You look up to see Flevas staring at you.
> You say "My confused."
"We should go," Flevas says. "But, before that, how do you wish to die?"
"I want to be eaten," you say simply.
"Of course," Flevas nods.
> You eat Flevas first.
You stare down at Flevas, as he begins to unbutton his shirt.
"Bend over," you command.
> You gnaw on his bones.
You grab Flevas' skull and begin to gnaw on it, tearing through the soft flesh.
"Yes... good chicken," Flevas says.
> You consume Flevas entirely.
Flevas grits his teeth and pushes you away, as a look of pain fills his face. You stand up, as he begins to laugh insanely.
> You grind Flevas into powder and snort the powder.
Flevas falls to the floor, a fine white powder covering his body. You grab a few fistfuls and snort it.
"It's good chicken. I recommend it," Flevas says.
> You kill Flevas.
You walk forward, grabbing Flevas by the throat. You lift him into the air, smiling as you lift him off the floor.
"I'll crush your skull," you snarl.
> You literally crush his skull.
You swing your fist forward, smashing into the side of Flevas' skull. You feel his skull shatter as he falls to the floor, blood covering the inside of his skull.
> You find two sticks.
You find two twigs and begin to pick them, looking at the unconscious Flevas as he lays there, a stream of blood coming out of his nostrils.
"You're next," you whisper.
> You rub two sticks together to make fire.
You grab the two twigs and rub them together, producing a small amount of fire.
"Yes!" you yell.
> You burn Flevas with fire.
Flevas screams, as the fire quickly sets his clothes on fire. He lets out a terrified scream and rolls around on the floor, attempting to extinguish the fire that's burning him.
> You find oil.
You find an oil lamp, and begin to oil it.
"Yes," you nod. "Good."
"I'll crush your skull!" Flevas screams.
"Good chicken," you nod.
> You throw oil on Flevas.
You pour some oil into your hand and begin to pour it over Flevas as he tries to avoid the flames, screaming all the while. He soon sets alight and begins to burn.
> You say "Burn Flevas Burn!"
"Burn!" the crowd screams in unison.
"Fuck, burn!" Flevas screams.
Flevas lets out a terrified scream, as the flames begin to consume him.
> You say "Turn to ashes already you scum!"
The flames burn, as Flevas burns. He lets out terrified screams and soon the screams are replaced by a horrible burning sound as his bones melt. Soon, he's nothing but a pile of ashes.
> You say "Sift and cool the ashes."
"Pour the ashes into the river," you nod.
The ashes are tipped out of the cart, and you begin to cool them with water.
"Let's go to the mines," you nod.
> You go to the mines.
You walk past the town, heading to the mines. A few people look at you, but say nothing. The guards don't even give you a second glance.
> You set the miners free.
You walk up to the guards and hold out your hands.
"What are you?" one asks.
"I'm their savior," you say. "I'm here to set all of you free."
> You say "Flevas is dead. All people are free."
"These people are under our protection," a guard says, pointing at the villagers.
persuade the guard.
"People of Gorgis," you say. "These villagers are under your protection. I urge you to not harm them."
The guard looks at the guards, and nods.
> You release any villagers who wish to go home.
"All right. Everyone, head home," the guard says. "But stay in the village."
The villagers begin to pack up and head to their homes, although they pause to give you a few curious looks.
> You have orgy with guards.
You grab a guard, and throw him down on the ground.
"Fuck me!" you yell.
The guard is scared, but quickly realizes there's a lot of meat available and begins to undress you eagerly.
> You make all the guards cum multiple times.
The guards moan in ecstasy as you straddle their laps, and begin to move your hips.
> You get covered in guard semen.
You move your hips, and the semen from the guards soon covers you. You look down and wince at the sight of your now-smeared, naked vagina.
> You say "Anyone know where to find a morning after pill?"
"The pharmacist's office," someone says.
> You say "Go to apothecary."
You walk into the office, and begin to examine the various bottles containing various poisons.
"What are you doing?" a voice asks.
You turn and see a vampire, wearing the uniform of a Royal Guardsman.
> You say "just looking for a cure to pregnancy."
The vampire sighs, and walks over to you.
"Anything my dear would be quite hard to get without a prescription. You do realize that this is a poison?"
> You say "My body my choice."
The vampire bursts into laughter as he begins searching for what you need.
"Well, that's a new one on me. Alright, I'll be sure to have some sent over."
buy the morning after pill.
"Alright, got it," the vampire says.
He hands you a small pill and a bottle of water, and you quickly take them. You start to feel something strange happen to you.
> You react.
You notice your body growing cold and you fall down, unconscious. You never wake up.
You're now dead.
> You come back to life.
You wake up, in the crypt where you had been tortured before.
"Hey! You're alive!" the ghoul yells.
You look up and see the ghoul, and quickly stand up.
> You say "Obviously, I am the master of my own destiny."
You get up and walk after the ghoul, who continues to chatter.
"I'm glad you're awake! I've been dying to show you this!" he says.
> You say "I bet you have..."
"My wife, you know," he says.
"Oh, really?" you say.
The ghoul pulls open a trapdoor in the floor and descends down. You follow.
> You pick up a torch.
You hold the torch, looking down. You are in a massive crypt, filled with the dead. Skeletons, wraiths, ghosts, and other spirits roam about.
> You say "Are the dead always this lively?"
The ghoul looks at you strangely, as if he had been waiting for you to respond in some way.
"It's a bit late to be learning new lingo, isn't it?" he asks.
> You say "It's never too late to vocabulate."
"Ah, indeed! Indeed!" the Ghoul King says. "The Vampire's well spoken for your species, or so I'm told. Well, come on then, out with it."
"What?"
> You say "I have no idea what you're talking about."
"I can tell when someone is lying by their dead | eyes."
"How?" you ask, surprised.
"Practice... with a spirit. Now, answer my question."
> You say "Yes, no, maybe, can you repeat the question? You're not the boss of me now!"
"I am the Ghoul King!"
"Yes... No, I'm afraid I don't know."
"Good! You're learning. Now, go on, run along."
> You say "just show me what you wanted to show me!"
"Alright, alright. My cave!" he says excitedly, leading you outside.
You walk outside, and the sun shines brightly once again.
In the distance is a large cave, with a ram approaching it.
> You say "What's the ram for?"
"I sacrifice it to my god. Sköre."
Suddenly, the cave opens, and the ghoul begins running towards it. You follow.
"Stop!" you yell.
> You catch the sneaky ghoul and tackle him.
You catch the ghoul with no problems at all, and bring him down on the ground with a thud. You grab him by the collar.
"Who are you? What do you want?"
> You say "I'm Crazy Foo, and I will not be denied!"
"Stop it! Stop it! Please, for the love of Sköre, stop!"
"Tell me your name, spirit."
> You destroy the ghoul.
"Do it!" the Ghoul King begs.
You crush his skull, splattering the inside of his head all over you and the cave wall. You step backward, accidentally crushing a few corpses under your feet.
> You burn the ghoul king with fire.
You bring down your palm, and a bolt of fire flies into the Ghoul King's head. He screams in pain, before burning to a crisp.
> You say "Look on my works ye mighty, and despair!"
The Ghoul King had been pondering about how he could have gotten a hold of a necromancer to help him.
I am become god, invincible to all foes.
The Ghoul King had been pondered about how he could have gotten a chance to talk to a necromancer.
> You become god, invincible to all foes.
You stand on a hill, surveying the surrounding lands.
Your castle is gone, reduced to rubble. In its place stands a small church, with a broken down tower nearby.
> You say "Thus begins my ascension!"
You stand on the broken tower, looking down at the village that used to be yours. It's many ruined houses lie in broken heaps, strewn with dead bodies and riddled with bullet holes.
> You say "Why has this happened!?"
A single gunshot rings out, and a ghoul prostitute falls to the ground with a hole in her head.
"I'm not going to beg to you dog." The prostitute says.
"Who will?"
> You clear!
The ghouls were clear of any treachery for now and the streets were safe, though the kingdom looked like it was on the brink of collapse.
> You say "I alone can cleanse this evil."
You prepare for the coming battle. You load your shotgun, before grabbing a nearby sword and dagger. You strap on your armor and check over your supplies, making sure that everything is to your liking.
> You say "Ayup!"
You march out of the castle, armor clinking and clanking as you go. You sigh, breathing in the cold winter air.
> You say "Frosty!"
You begin to grin. You love the cold.
By now, you're pretty used to the cold, but you still didn't mind it.
> You squeeze your own tits.
They felt weird and they looked weird. A bit cold, but weird.
You decide to push them together and see what happens. They felt weird and they looked weird. A bit cold, but weird.
> You check your tits for lumps.
You put your thumbs into the odd holes on either side of your chest and felt around inside. You could feel your ribs beneath your skin, but it was hard to move your arms.
> You say "that's odd..."
You press a button on your wrist guard, and the armor folds back, revealing one of your awful green Power Suits.
You were one of the first to head into these things.
> You fold armor back out.
You decide not to inspect it any further, you had other things to do.
You reload your shotgun, before taking up a battle stance. You stare down the medieval street, ready to strike.
> You find undead.
You slowly walk down the street, ready to strike, but you find nothing.
Suddenly you hear screaming and shouting from a house to your right.
> You approach house.
You reach the door of the house and shout "who's there?"
No response.
Suddenly you notice a flashing light on the wall. A switch! wonder if it does anything else?
> You flip the switch.
Nothing happens.
You swear and walk away from the house, going to search for the guards.
Suddenly you hear a shout behind you.
"Karth!"
> You say "what's a Karth?"
You continue walking, before a young woman runs up to you.
"Karth is the lead necromancer in the army, my prince." She explains.
> You say "And you are whom?"
"Thrall, my prince." She replies.
"Thrall? What does thrall mean?"
"I am a thrall, a property of Karth and the Empire."
> You say "Why are you here?"
"My family were peasants that obeyed the Empire. When the plague came my father and many others died, leaving me with little options.
> You bend thrall over, and fill up the hole she gots.
"Do you know where the necromancers are?"
> You say "No, do you, I'd like to get their autograph."
"No, I do not. They are the most protected people in the Empire and outside the Kingdom. However, if you go further down the road you'll see one of the guards."
> You say "What can I do to get information from the guards?"
"Simple, offer them something they want. If they think you're a valuable asset to the Kingdom then they'll tell you."
"But what if they don't?"
> You say "what is the guard's weakness?"
"The men all want to be in charge of their own destiny. If you appear to be a threat, they'll attack."
"Okay, so what can I do to appear innocent?"
> You say "what would be valuable to the guards?"
"Money, they love money."
"But I don't have much..."
"You have anything is weapons will do. But you'll need more than that."
"I have a sword and a bow."
> You say "do the guards have any sexual kinks?"
"Yes, though I don't know what they are. Offering him a girl in exchange for information has worked in the past."
You arrive at a massive castle made of stone.
> You say "What is this massive castle of stone/"
"That is the seat of power for the Kingdom of Man."
"It's just so damn big. Where do I even start?" You say.
> You say "?"
"Inside, now let's go."
As you walk through the castle gates, thousands of civilians are running in panic all around you. Soldiers watch on in silence, until one addresses you.
> You say "I am Crazy Foo, Where are your tacos?"
The soldier stares at you with confusion for a second, before recovering.
"Nevermind sir, you appear to be innocent. I was just asking because you seem very bored."
> You say "Bored to the gourd, what's good around here?"
The soldier looks at you and thinks for a second.
"Good food, good drink and cheap whores sir."
"Sounds about par for the course for this shithole."
> You say "Take me to your leader."
The soldier turns and leads you into the castle, which is bustling with activity.
> You say "Sure is a busy castle..."
"Oh let's not get all deep and meaningful, shall we? I'm just here to do a job and do it well."
You move through the castle halls and see many frightened people running here and there.
> You say "what are they so scared of?"
"Fuck if I know, I'm just here to do a job and do it well."
You walk into one of the castle doors and find a large throne room with a few people standing around.
> You say "Who's court am I visiting?"
"The Emperor, obviously." One says.
You walk into the room, and see a man in fine garb sitting in the throne.
"Indeed." He says.
You bow.
> You say "What's your opinion on the undead, oh mighty emperor."
The Emperor gets up from his throne and walks towards you, staring deep into your eyes.
> You say "?"
"You're a strange lad."
You open your mouth to say something, but the Emperor continues before you can.
"Can you do something for me?"
"If I can, sure."
> You say "what would it be?"
"Have you ever been to the Cloudshell Mountains?"
"No."
"They're a dangerous place. The kobolds and other small people live there, and they're allied with the undead."
> You yes, and?
"Well the ghouls have asked for help from the Kingdom of Man. They're on the verge of being overrun, and they request for troops to assist them."
"But I heard they were undead?"
> You that is accurate.
"Well, they aren't. They're wendige, a race of sentient sprites. They're not undead, they don't even have souls. But they are evil."
You stop yourself from laughing.
> You say "What is the difference, exactly?"
The Emperor frowns.
> You say "what was that Flevas guy I killed?"
"He wasn't really a guy. He was more like a sprite."
You stare at the Emperor.
"Primus created the wendigo when he twisted the tribes of sprites and dryads."
> You say "Then why were skeletons his children?"
The Emperor sighs.
"When a sprite or dryad dies, they become an undead wendigo."
You don't react to the news, because nothing makes sense anymore. The Emperor continues.
> You say "I have a shotgun, it has, like, wicked spread ratio."
"Spread ratio?"
"You know, 'nuff said.' "
"Actually, what I meant was: Is that a unique ability of your shotgun?"
"Yeah, it is."
> You say "So let's get to the point, what is my objective?"
"Your mission is simple. Go into the mountain, wipe out the kobold defenders, and plant a flag. Return here once you're finished, I'll send a relief force to retrieve you."
> You say "What exactly is the purpose of the flag?"
"Magical. It has a whole bunch of useful stuff in it that would take too long to list. Does the job, and so others will follow it."
You nod.
> You say " will any soldiers be escorting me on the way in, or am I running solo?"
"I'll have a squad of assholes waiting for you, run all over them."
You nod.
> You say "I'm good at running all over assholes, as you may have heard."
"Good. You'll fit right in."
The Emperor gives you a rundown of the map and everything you need to know in order to get to your objective.
> You bow and kiss The Emperor's crotch.
"I'll see you at the mountain."
"Get going, you little shit."
You walk out the castle, jump off the battlements, and your ride is there to pick you up.
> You say "Goo coo kachoo!"
"Whoa, whoa, stop!"
The man grabs your wrist.
"What's going on?"
"The king is dead!" the guard says. "Long live the king!"
> You say "Say what now?"
The soldier points at you.
"He's the new king!"
"What?"
You pull your arm free, hopping out of the horse's reach.
"This doesn't make any sense!"
There is a shock of thunder in the air. The soldier looks up, noting the black clouds gathering overhead.
"Fuck! Get the hell inside!"
The soldier is struck by orange lightning. He lets out a terrible scream of pain and falls to the ground. You watch in horror as his body twitches for a few seconds, and then goes still.
You ride to join your troops and continue your mission. You have a lot of preparation to do.
Everyone gets out their kobald beating maces. The Emperor and his court get out their bayonets, and a few of your men get their gunpowder weapons ready.
"We're attacking?" you ask. "What's going on?"
> You say "Are we fully ready to beat some Kobalds?"
"That's the spirit!"
The Emperor gives his bayonet tight grip. The King stands straight, tall, and prepares his sword. General CleanAcces looks at you and winks.
> You say "looks like we have clean access."
"Let's do this, gentlemen."
You nod. The King takes the lead. The sun casts a small shadow behind him.
> You march forth.
You march, straight ahead, towards the mountain. The path is fairly simple, since the Emperor made sure to mark it clearly.
The kobalds appear weak and scrawny. They're about the same height as your soldiers, but considerably lighter. All of them appear to be women, and many appear to be children.
As you get closer, you growl, and they take notice.
The kobalds begin to undress and take stances of submission.
"Halt!" you shout.
The kobalds stop.
"What is your business here?" you ask.
The smallest kobold appears in the middle.
> You say "Well aren't you a tiny one?"
"Fuck you!" the kobold snarls.
"No one insults my... ugh, I mean, my family, and gets away with it."
The kobold advances.
> You say "are you a boy, or a girl?"
"What's the difference?"
"I'm not interested in either."
The kobold continues to advance, snarling.
"I will not have my family insulted!"
> You have sex with the asexual kobald.
You take a deep breath. This is a challenge. These kobald creatures are extremely strong.
> You accept the challenge and fuck the kobald like a bitch.
You unsheathe your sword and charge the kobald demon. It grins, showing off its pointy teeth.
> You bend the kobald over and fill up the hole it gots.
The kobald moans in pain as you use the momentum of its charge to slide in and out of its kobold hole. You pump your hips slightly to increase the depth of your penetration.
> You blow your load inside the kobald.
Your purple, kobald-infested seed shoots from you like a fountain, directly filling the void of its a-gravid uterus.
> You say "how does it feel?!"
Your pregnant kobold is filled with your child. A small, incredibly strong and wise mind is growing in there.
The kobold's face twists into one of pain and it falls to the ground.
> You say "You see? We are the perfection that cometh!"
The Emperor nods, raising his blade.
"Yes... good work, gentlemen."
He swings his sword, slicing the small kobold's head in two. The Emperor laughs, and the others do, too.
you and your troops cut through the kobalds like Dawn through grease.
"Alright, we've killed all the non-essential ones, now let's focus on the vital ones."
Your men start searching the kobold women, taking their weapons and jewelry.
you personally impregnate five more kobalds with humanoid spawn.
The Emperor grins at you.
"Well done, my son. I'm really impressed by your prowess with the ladies."
You laugh, and so do your men.
> You say "Humans are the master race!"
The Emperor laughs.
"Yes, yes they are."
> You say "Onward!"
The Emperor raises his blade once more.
"Let's kill some fucking necromancers."
You make your way to the center and plant the flag. You see your father watching you.
"We did it, Pops."
Your father grins.
"Yes we did, son. We fucking did."
> You say "Victory!"
The Emperor smiles.
"Yes, yes it is. Let's keep going."
You and the Emperor keep moving forward through the mountain of dead bodies. The mountain grows narrower and narrower until it becomes a narrow corridor.
There is a powerful artifact that allows its wielder to command the elements in an alcove of the wall, you grab it.
"So, what are we looking of, Pops?"
The Emperor looks to the objects.
> You take the objects.
You grab the elemental weapons and hold them in your hands. They feel incredibly real.
"Pops! They're fucking real!"
The Emperor smiles.
> You say "what can I do with these bad boys?"
"Hmm....well, you could take them to your vassal Count Rostov. He's the one on the western front that'sk fighting the most dangerous of foes.
> You say "Or?"
The Emperor throat clears.
"Or, if you're feeling adventurous, you can take them to Lord Ciniriz of the Brot Kingdom."
You must choose which master you'll serve.
> You say "I am the master of my own destiny!"
You put your sword through the alcove.
"Let's get the hell out of here!"
You grab your father, and teleport back to the surface.
> You say "God is like a power mower!"
You grab the Emperor.
"The Emperor is the blade, and God is the mower!"
Your father laughs.
"Yes! Yes!" He laughs. "Okay, so where are we going next?"
> You say "Straight to the heart of darkness, my boyos!"
You grab your sword.
"Yes! Let's do it!"
You grab your Emperor and teleport to the former Empire capital of Dessel.
> You say "We are about to mould this place like playdough."
The capital is abandoned, with the undead wandering everywhere. Except for a few buildings, the Empire's general consensus was that the undead were to be feared and everyone should seek to live as far away from them as possible.
> You ask the undead if they're really all that bad.
You approach a wandering zombie.
"Hey, buddy. You're a bit zombie-like, if you don't mind me saying so."
> You say "Do you eat the flesh of the living and all that jazz?"
"Yes."
"Then let's kick some zombie ass together."
The zombie smiles and follows you.
"This is the life."
You slay the four skeletons guarding the former Empire's treasury.
The treasure inside shines sofly.
The Emperor laughs.
"This is just a drop in the bucket."
You teleport to the former Empire capital of Dessel.
You lay down among the pillaged treasures.
> You swim in the treasure like Scrooge MacDuck.
You swim around in the blood money like Scrooge McDuck.
"Have I... heh heh... have I really come this far?" the Emperor asks himself.
> You say "absolutely!"
The Emperor smiles.
"Yes, yes I have."
Then, the Emperor suddenly gasps.
"Look!"
You look at your newly acquired undead bodyguards.
There are two Death Knights.
> You say "What is the meaning of this?"
Without warning, the Death Knights grab your arms and drag you outside. You stand before a massive undead horde.
Orange lightning strikes out from the darkened sky and arks between the undead soldiers.
The Emperor stands on a platform, his hands clasped in front of him. A skeletal figure in dark robes stands by his side.
You stand in a large circle, amidst hundreds of corpses.
> You say "Behold, this is my power!"
A wave of thunder cracks the lich king's bones, as the death knights melt into brown slime.
You stand there, in front of the undead horde, as the Emperor laughs.
"Ah, you see? I knew you would make a powerful ally."
You nod.
> You say "See how no foe can defeat me."
The Emperor laughs.
"So it seems. Yes, yes, this shall be useful."
You look to the battlefield. The undead horde stretches as far as the eye can see.
Orange lightning strikes the undead horde in various places, and arks between them eliminating every undead, as if by your command.
"Kill everything," you order.
You watch as the hordes of the dead are destroyed, but then the undead start to reform.
Your jaw drops. The undead seem to be staying together in those hordes.
but as they begin to reform, they again crumble, for they have been smote by a living god.
You laugh, as you watch the undead army shatter and reform.
The Emperor chuckles.
"Yes, yes. Watch this."
> You banish all the undead to the shadow realm.
You slam your hands together, and the undead shatter and are banished to the shadow realm. You watch as their souls are extinguished, and they fall still forever.
The Emperor stands by your side.
> You say "Impressive, isn't it?"
"Yes. Very," you say, staring upon the land.
The land is dead. Everything on fire. The sky forever dark. Mountains destroyed. Not a tree left standing.
Suddenly the sky clears, light breaks through the dark and restores the healthy blue to the sky.
You look upon the new land before you.
"This... is a sight to make any heart stop," the Emperor says, staring through his tears at the new home he has made.
Grass and trees sprout forth in a sudden burst of growth. Some seem to wither and die within hours, but others grow strong.
To the far left, you see a humongous tree growing.
Animals, insects, and birds rush from behind the trees in countless number and variety, as flowers bloom all around.
You walk slowly through the endless forest, untouched by the passage of time.
You reach the edge of the dead forest and stare out at the endless plains before you.
Similar explosions of life crop up into innumerable oases spotting the grey planes with green.
From out of the ground, gigantic trees, tall as mountains, shoot up with a speed faster than anything nature could've wrought.
Having reached great height with spreading canopies the trees slow to a normal rate of growth.
The wilderness shades in to a pleasant green, as the sun's light bathes the land in its warmth.
You survey the changes that have taken place over the past - how can it only be a few days?
The fruits of flora and fauna have become plentiful, and the waters teem with fish.
You can see large flocks of birds flying overhead, and herds of many different types of animals graze in the distance.
> You say "you see how positive thinking can change the world?"
With a loud crack, the large branches of the ancient tree you're on snap and fall to the ground.
You're falling.
A quetzalcoatlus flies by and catches you in it's talons then carries you to the ground, setting you down softly.
It's head turns, staring at you and screeching.
You get up and backflip out of the way, only to hear a loud thump as the creature lands next to you with a thud.
Orange lightning strikes the quetzalcoatlus. It lets out a pained wail, then its head snaps back, breaking and shattering from the force of the lightning.
You feel pure joy. The joy of power.
> You say "Unlimited power!"
You find the vampire's lair, a great castle of stone and brick.
You take a swig of holy water, and put on your silver-garlic lipstick.
The vampire's minions patrol the grounds, searching for prey to drain.
You step softly and sneak around the side of the castle, around the tree full of Silver wolves that guard the castle doors.
The wolves sleep peacefully, letting you pass without incident.
You approach the castle slowly, taking cover behind every tree and rock. You are close enough to hear the guards' voices, and close enough to see that no one is approaching the castle.
You sneak past the guards easily, as they are distracted with an argument over football statistics.
You reach the large oak doors of the castle, and stop. The wooden doors are closed, locked, and trapped.
The straps peel away and the locks succumb to rapid rusting.
The thick, old wooden door hinges and shakes loose from its mounting. The door swings open violently and smacks into the stone wall, leaving a large dent and a large scratch across the stonewall.
> You sneak you and steal the glass plate from inside the microwave.
You walk forward slowly. The microwave is sitting on the kitchen counter. It looks fancy, with a digital display screen on the front and ten preset buttons on the inside.
You pop the door open an steal the glass plate from inside. The plate has a picture of a chicken and says "Happy Birthday!".
As you pick up the glass you hear a twang.
you turn around quietly toward the source of the sound. There is a crossbow and a guard, dead with a bolt through his neck.
The bolt has gone through the man's head, destroying much of his face and becoming embedded in the stone wall behind him.
The string on the crossbow broke. The bolt is still loaded.
You grab the bolt and put it in your pocket.
You hear a series of thumps coming from above you and the dead guard.
You wait for the vampire woman to appear. And she does.
She stands in the ceiling.
You hit her with everything you have.
She is not fazed by your attack. Some of your bolts hit her chest and some go through.
you blow her a kiss, and smoke spouts from her ears.
Then, you begin to feel dizzy.
You fall to the floor. Your lips move, but no sound comes out.
You are unable to move.
but with redoubled resolve you shake it off, because you are unstoppable. The vampyress falls from the ceiling as though her feet have lost their stick'em.
You grab her by the pussy and begin mercilessly fisting her.
she bursts like a grape from your holy power.
It is over.
You walk into the kitchen, open up the fridge and grab yourself a beer. You sit on the couch and analyze your situation.
1. You have no food in your house.
2. With the massive abundance of animal an plant life, hunting and foraging is plentiful.
3. There is a river not far from you, the water has fish in it.
4. There are two types of people in the world, those with swords, and those who get cut.
5.Human tastes just like pork.
You jam the blade into the stove and push.
The creature explodes into flames.
You lie on the floor, too tired to get up.
"Goodbye Mihrab"
After a satisfying sleep you awaken, fully revitalized.
You pack up your stuff and begin the long walk to the river. The walk is only about a mile, but with all the trees it could easily be ten.
Really it was just one, though. After so many years of sleep you'd forgotten just how much exercise you u sed to walk and move constantly as a svelk.
"Good thing I'm a human." you think to yourself, silently.
Eventually you see the river. It is a pretty sight. Large and wide with a sandy bottom and large overhanging rock (large enough to climb) on the far side.
Ignoring the rock, you wade in and spear-fish. After about an hour you return to shore with a large fish.
You begin skinning the fish when you hear a branch crack behind you. You turn around and see a figure standing in the undergrowth, watching you.
> You say "Who goes there?"
You get to your feet and draw your weapon.
The figure does likewise, revealing a young woman, though you would hesitate to call her human.
> You say "What are you, young woman?"
She walks toward you, revealing a missing hand. At the moment she looks an awful lot like a victim of gun shot wound, though you can tell it's something more sinister.
> You say "Be ye living or undead?"
You forgot to ask something. What did you forget to ask?
C-How many ways do you have of killing a vampire, Crazy foo?
A-You really should learn the alphabet, Crazy foo.
> You say "infinite!"
When you wake up, it is to a stabbing pain in your foot. You begin screaming, which wakes you up enough that the pain goes away and you fall back asleep.
> You say "We are not living in a Sutter Kane story! This is not reality! "
You wake up again. You look around and find yourself in a small room, not unlike the one in which you woke up in, though you're no longer bound to a chair. You're able to stand.
> You say "I am free"
The Vampire Woman finds you and begins to speak, but you do not listen.
You pull your pistol and shoot her in the forehead, splattering her brain all over the wall behind her.
> You say "like you said, "Infinite!"
Red, then Blue, then Green, then Yellow, then Red, then Black then back to Green.
You spin around and leap at the Vampire Man.
A beam of light from the new sun pierces the night and reduces the vampire man to ash.
You look over and see a green lizard man rush at you. You blast it with magic.
Then another. And another. And another. And another. And another. And another. And another. And ...
> You say "So long, Gay Bowser!"
You hear a terrified yell from behind you and several gunshots. You turn to see a dozen vampires appearing behind you.
You turn to face them, drawing your blade once more.
> You say "Ghetsuga tenshou!"
You swing your blade and a red beam of light shoots from the blade and through the vampires, incinerating them all in a single flash of light.
You let out a mighty shout, charging forward into the forest ahead.
> You say "Gort Ferinkith."
There is a scream, and suddenly you find yourself face to face with a large troll. It swings its club and you leap back, shaking off the cobwebs.
The troll stands alone in a clearing.
> You say "Klaatu Verata Nikto!"
The troll looks at you confusedly.
It begins to chant in some sort of language you do not understand.
The troll reaches into its large bag of holding and pulls out a solid black cube.
> You say "Bah weep gragna weep minibon"
The troll begins to speak words of power, as the cube starts to glow.
Suddenly you feel an ominous feeling in the pit of your stomach.
You tumble to the ground and the troll prepares to crush you.
Orange lightning strikes the troll and it turns to solid stone.
You get up and walk over to the cube, which is now shattered on the ground.
A metal chest appears next to you, containing the shattered cube.
> You say "It is opened not by the hands, but by desire!"
You walk over to the chest and open it, unleashing the treasures within.
> You say "Come adventuring with us!"
You walk over to the remains of what was your coach, and begin looking through the contents.
Mostly clothing and supplies, though you do find a small notecard.
> You read the notecard aloud.
"To the emissary of the Galbadian cities," it reads,
> You continue reading.
"The one known as the Vampire shall rise again. It is but a question of time."
Then the card shatters into a thousand pieces.
You sigh, and continue looking through what remains of your belongings.
You find your old laser pistol and it still works.
You take out the weapon and check the cartridge to see how many shots are left. You have thirteen shots.
You walk through the forest, looking for the vampire.
This is surreal. A year ago, you were just some guy. Now look at you, a legendary vampire hunter. It's a nice way to manufacture a legend, but still...
You wonder what your family would think of all this.
Except you weren't exactly some guy, since you're a woman. You suppress the urge to laugh, and keep your composure.
You continue walking, and find yourself in another room of the castle. This one appears to be a library of some sort, with many dusty books scattered about.
> You say "How did this library get in this forest?"
You grab a book and open it. The writing is very small and you have to concentrate to read the words. You are able to make out the general idea of what you're reading, though.
> You say "The first sentence reads, "Everyone has a Shony's"
There is no reply.
You look around and find yourself in a bedroom of some sort. The bed is empty and there are no other exits but the door you came in.
"Hello?"
> You say "hello, hello... Oh there you are, you know, I actually used to work in that office before you."
"Huh?"
"Yeah, you were the guy screaming at the top of your lungs, weren't you?"
"Oh that, yeah..."
"You know, you really should have that checked out."
> You say "I already did!"
"Oh, let me guess, a magic sword?"
"Yeah."
"How long will it take you to get it looked at?"
"Uh... Probably about a week?"
> You say "It has this really problematic effect when you say, "all heads off, mine alone remain."
"Yeah, well you should see the other guy some time."
You get up and leave.
"Also, for your own safety, do not look into the mirror."
You arrive home and grumble.
> You say "And that was when I met Slenderman."
You look around your home and sigh.
"So far so good."
You grab another book from your table and start reading about Slenderman.
You are transported into the strange internet fueled indie horror world of the book.
You see what seems to be a photo-realistic image of Slender Man, except he's all white.
His eyes are small, black, slits.
Almost as if he had no eyes at all. Posters line the streets of a man in a suit with a crossed out blank circle of a head.
Protesting in the streets, but still... Who was this man?
Then, the events of last year seemed to come back to you.
You moved to this town after your father died, crashing his Jeep on an old abandoned state highway leading to an infamous ghost-town.
You moved to this town after your father died, crashing his Jeep on an old abandoned state highway leading to an infamous ghost-town.
On your first day in town, you went to the police department to ask for directions to the closest grocery store.
However, when you entered the building, you heard a voice shout "free food!"
You lived with your mother, who has since remarried and moved to a nearby town. Since then, you've been working at the local gas-station run by an old highschool friend.
you spend each night, from 9:00 pm to 5:00 am trying to derive entertainment from your brief interactions with customers, and the usually static, apart from the static, image on the security camera monitoring the outside pumps.
Three months have passed since the events of last year, and you've learnt very little.
However, you're certain that you're going insane.
> You say "Father, everything's relative."
You haven't the faintest idea what that means, but you start reading anyway.
You see the words, but they make no sense. None of this makes any sense, you think.
> You say "Who is Crazy Foo, is that still me?"
You wake up and groggily look at the time.
"Jesus Christ, what time is it?" You ask yourself.
It's almost 6:00pm, you've been asleep for 8 hours.
Either nobody showed up to the gas station all night, or they gave themselves free gas, you hope it's not the latter, as Jimmy arrives to take the next shift, and wakes you.
You walk towards the gas-station, as you make the short walk over to the 24-hour-sucks.
"How did McDonald's end up like this?" you wonder to yourself.
You enter the building and go to the counter.
The old man behind the counter looks at you, as he says "Oh, it's you."
> You say "A handle of the usual, Mac."
"A handle of the usual, Mac."
The old man puts the drink down and begins to open a small safe behind the counter.
> You pay the man.
You put a few gold coins in your pocket, and accept your drink from the old man.
"Thank you, Sir," he says, bowing from behind the counter,
> You say "Enough talk, time to chug!"
You take your drink, and turn around and spin around. Then you throw the cup in the air and quickly amour yourself in order to leap through the window you just came from.
You leap out the open window, landing with a pro. tuck and roll. You stand up and dash around the corner, leaping again. You turn once more to see the man with a strange cap standing there, staring at you.
"Thank you, kind sir," he says, bowing.
> You say "You are most welcome."
The man pulls out his sword, and charges towards you.
Once again, you find yourself fighting for your life.
Instinctively you draw your laser pistol and blast him. As he falls, you find a black sword in his hand, scorched with a golden hilt. You pull it out and admire its beauty, before the Vampire woman bursts in.
> You say "kame hame haaa!"
You swing the sword.
She dodges and leaps out of the way, flipping backwards. You see her landing and preparing for a kick. She sends her foot flying at you, but you knock it away.
> You say "Sōkatsui"
You focus your energy and send a powerful wave of psychic energy through your feet. She is hit with a small explosion and blown back.
> You stab the vampire woman in the heart with the black sword.
The black sword pierces her heart as she howls in pain, grabbing at her chest. She grabs your wrist and the sword falls to the ground.
Green flames erupt from the wound in her chest. She begins to cough and splutter, grabbing your wrist. You feel a thuds on your back as she falls and you spin around.
Slenderman stands tall over you, his six black tentacles tentacles waving whimsically behind him, his long arms and fingers reaching out to you.
You stare at him in shock, and he stares back, both of you waiting to see who will make the first move.
Suddenly, his face contorts into a terrifying grin.
His pale skin splitting to reveal rows of razor-sharp shark-like teeth. His tentacle horns sprout from his temples, his grin becoming a terrifying laugh. You unleash a blast of psychic energy and Slenderman hops backward.
You charge forward and the two of you clash weapons.
An epic duel ensues, on land and in the air, ripples of turbulence emit from each collision, Sparks fly from blades scraping against tentacles, flashes of energy illuminate the surroundings. You attempt to slice him with your sword, but he grabs it with one of his long tentacles.
> You say "Slendy, I think you hawt, let's make sex instead of war."
"Your thoughts are so... Sloane... I like it," he says, ignoring your intention.
He sends a tentacle toward you, which hits you and hugs tightly around your waist.
> You say "Ooooh kinky, but feel free to put one or two up my pussy, and maybe another two in the ass."
"It's crazy," Green Eye thinks, "but in order to fully beat him, I need his full attention. I'll use his own tactics against him."
Slenderman pulls you close and unbuttons his fly, revealing his long pale slender member. It begins to grow as he wraps it around your throat and holds you tight.
"I've beaten you," he says, "I am the alpha predator."
"No... no... no..."
Orange electricity crackles around you, incapacitating Slenderman, evaporating his tentacles, and returning his penis to its normal erect length. The electricity tightens, then splits, branching out to your feet and running up your legs, through your body and out your fingertips.
Then the electricity busts forth in a wave which seals slenderman's mouth, returning his face to a smooth featureless oval. The electricity falls upon the ground around you, dissipating.
"We... can't... be... conquered..."
"Never."
You approach Slenderman's corpse, still a featureless entirety.
> You ride that slender cock.
You slowly approach a kneeling slenderman, admiring his extravagant clothing.
"Are you my new master?" he asks.
"You may address me as I require," you say.
you take Slenderman's long slender cock into your wet eager pussy and ride it until he relases his slender seed deep inside your body. Slenderman becomes pregnant with a litter of half human pups. You give birth to a pair of pups and they live a short while, but eventually die from a combination of blood loss and being so terribly under nourished. You have four pups.
The four surviving pups quicly grow into eyeless wolf bats, fiercely loyal to their human mother, and an affinity for papaya and mango fruits. They live to the age of 50.
You grow old and blind, and eventually die of starvation.
You close the book, thinking, "what a bizarre ending that was."
"What now, oh mighty reader?"
> You put the book back on the shelf, pick up the phone and order a pizza.
You shrug and stroll out of the library.
"Yeah, I'm fine," you say to your parents. "I just lost my job, but I'll find another one soon."
Your father shakes his head.
> You say "That's me, just a crazy foo!"
"Poor kid," your father says. "If it's any consolation, I don't think she ate your head."
You smile.
"Thanks, Dad," you say.
"I love you."
> You say "Yeah, I honestly thought the vampire woman was dead as a door-nail, but maybe I just read that in a book, 'cause world events just informed me she took over the lich king's throne, or something."
"Hm. Well, I'm glad you're not upset. I'm upset, so I guess it worked out in the end. Even so, I know you think I should've done something more."
> You say "Don't be afraid, daddy, I'm just a little kitty-cat."
Your father smiles.
"I'll always be proud of you, my little kitty-cat."
You smile back.
> You pounce on daddy and hold him down with your very human hands.
Your father shrieks and tears off into the woods, calling for his blind mother.
> You say "Are you going to run away too, mommy?"
"Of course not, I'll be waiting for dad to come home."
> You pounce on mommy and lick her cheek.
"Oh, my sweet little kitty-cat," your mother says, "I'm so very proud of you. Now, find your brother and sister, and let's go find your dad."
> You find bro and sis.
You quickly find your sibling, and together, the four of you leave the house and go in search of your father.
You walk through the woods slowly, listening.
> You say "Ching chang chong!"
Your chirp chirp sounds like... something. You peer into the darkness, squinting, trying to make out what it is.
> You say "Show yourself, coward!"
You snap your fingers, and a light appears on the ground in front of you.
You step forward.
The light moves forward ahead of you.
The light moves into the shadows.
> You say "Avast there ye scallywag."
There's a loud cracking sound, and you feel very cold metal touch your neck.
The light laughs.
> You shrug off the cold metal and follow the light.
You shrug off the cold metal, and follow the light.
"Follow the light," you whisper to yourself.
You walk along, as the cold metal touches your neck once more. You look ahead.
> You say "Buzz off cold metal, I don't have patience for you right now."
You snap your fingers and a small ball of flame appears in your palm.
The metal extends a blade from its tip.
You take a step back.
You flick your fingers, and the fire spurts out.
the box-cutter killer in incinerated thanks to your mastery over fire. "When will they learn?" you say aloud.
You smile, then follow the light.
After an hour of walking, you find what appears to be a castle floating in the air. You stare at it in wonder.
You: "Impossible."
> You say "Soreha dekimasen"
The Vampire Woman looks at you disdainfully. "Soreha dekimasen, I will in part inform you that I am the ruler here, not the Lich King."
> You say "Hah! joke's on you, I'm Crazy Foo, and the world events window already told me that."
"Really?" The Vampire woman seems intrigued. "What did you do, world events?"
You click on the window, and it expands to show you what you did. You scowl.
> You say "do you liek my mudkips?"
"No."
"Wut?"
"They're stupid. You have no mud to be smart."
The Vampire Woman chuckles.
> You say "Oh I have the most mud, should I show it to you?"
"Hm, well you seem to be reading my mind. I don't want to interrupt your thoughts, so if you would like to show me, go ahead."
> You splatter the vampire woman with a mixture of holy water drawn from the well of San Pedro and blessed by a dozen priests, and sacred sand from Chimayo.
She screams as she burns.
"Stop! Stop! I'm your friend! Why won't you listen to me?"
You release her and she falls to the ground.
> You say "izzat so?"
"The power of the undead shall never be defied. Not here. Not by you. You must become a slave of the dark, and join us."
"So much nope!" you say, again covering her in the veritable bukakke of sanctified sludge. "I'm not joining you."
The Vampire Woman raises her hands and begins to chant.
You feel your head pulse with a dark power, and her words begin to take hold.
But the affect fades as she is consumed by holy fire, then to top it off she is truck by a bolt of orange lightning turning her body into glass, and her heart into a geode.
Light floods into the room, emanating from the crown, which begins to transmit the light to the rest of your body.
> You say "Where did this crown come from?"
The crown responds by smiling evilly at you.
but crowns don't have mouths.
You shrug and sit on the throne, which is immediately apparent as you begin to feel your mind expand, as if your head has become a supercompressed PC, infinitely more capable than anything you've ever used.
> You find humans.
You find humans easily. The area around the throne is a beacon, calling to you the thoughts of all humans in range, and you find them, um, easy to find.
There are... many.
> You locate large group of sexy humans, and teleport to their location.
You teleport, first to your throne, then to your now stained and wrinkled clothes, and lastly to the table.
You groan, capping your pen, before looking around.
And there you see... A large camp. You can see clearly that it's humans, and there are many of them, but so many? How many could there be, really, given the huge population of Gorgis?
> You ask all the humans here if they want to have a giant outdoor orgy.
"Hey," you say, walking up to one of the human warriors. "So, you wanna fuck a bunch of elves, or what?"
He replies, "That sounds fabulous!"
"Fucking fantastic!" you say. "Glad to hear it. So, where do you want to start?"
"What the hell is this?"
"It's a proposal for an orgy."
The orgy begins. It's not just an orgy, though. It's a revelation to these humans. For the first time, they're seeing life beyond their tiny island.
> You experience the bliss of pluralized fornication.
You experience the bliss of pluralized fornication. It's truly a magnificent thing.
But what really is the point of your existence, anyway?
you see the Georgia Goatman, gibbering and jerking in the bushes. He looks hungry.
You see a picture of Mayla and begin to weep. You weep for a long time.
In the middle of the night, you experience a powerful urge to...
Bathe in the orgasmic fluids of thousands of humans!
You get up and stumble to the nearest body of water.
It's a great success.
You feel joy.
Then, suddenly...
They're all gone.
> You say "Where is everybody?"
The Vampire woman laughs bitterly and aims her gun.
> You say "I already killed you, Vampire woman, you're dead."
"Oh? You've killed the last of the Gorgers, have you? I didn't realize there were any more left. Curious, considering all the carnage you caused."
> You say "All I've ever done is try to make this world a better place, to change a wasteland into a paradise."
"Paradise? How quaint. You've taken the step from mortal to god, and now your eyes can be opened to the truth of things. Namely, that you want what you can't have."
> You say "I can have anything I set my mind to, even the annihilation of all undead, and the supremacy of humans."
"Ah, but there's a difference between dreaming and actually achieving it, is there not?"
"No, there isn't."
The Vampire woman's gun turns to steam, burning her hand. She screams in pain.
"Listen here, Ghoul," she hisses, "you're no vampire. I am. And I'll have what I want."
She turns to one of her men.
> You say "I am neither a ghoul nor a vampire. I am a Human woman, and I have no limits."
"We'll see about that," she says, stepping backwards.
They march north. The Vampire Woman leads them through the wilderness, taking them directly at the heart of Gorgings territory.
Where they find the path is blocked by your gigantic boot, you have grown so large they are like ants next to you, you step on them like ants, then resume your normal size. They are crushed under your boot, as you finally vouchsafe to the battle ahead.
"Ghouls," you growl, "lots of ghouls."
At least the Vampire woman is really totally dead, and won't be showing up ever again.
The Ghouls are horrible, decayed creatures who were once human. Now, they are little more than animals whose only purpose is to feed off the blood of the living. You can already smell it.
> You call down orange lightning upon the ghouls.
As you raise your hands, the sky darkens. Then, a powerful stream of lightning strikes down upon the ghouls. They howl in pain as they are engulfed in flames and sent flying into the air.
> You say "Baubillious"
Baubilious
You look around. This is a good position to set up in, as you have the drop on all the rabble.
> You say "vermithrax pejorative"
As you yawn, a strange sound comes out of your mouth. It's not quite noise, and you can't quite describe it. It's a mixture of a hum and a buzz, almost.
You summon Walt Disney to appear before you. He appears, as he has numerous times before.
"Vermithrax," he begins, "they are creatures of pure chaos and emotion. That buzz you hear is them attempting to communicate with you."
> You say "Thanks Walt, do you have any advice on dealing with ghouls?"
"Lots of garlic."
You nod. While garlic has been proven to be an effective repellent against vampires, it's far from a silver bullet solution. Still, it's something.
Oswald the lucky rabbit arrives with a cart full of garlic. He looks terrified.
"We're going to need more men," you say. "But it's daylight, we can't have the beastmen know we're here."
Felix the cat walks up defiantly with his bag of tricks.
"We need to build a barrier of mirrors and place some imps inside them," he suggests. "Then, we can use the ghouls as shield and distraction."
"Felix!" you hiss.
Mickey Mouse marches in, followed by an army of cartoon anthromorphs, they are armed with an interesting assortment of mundane objects.
"We must focus on the present danger," he says.
> You say "Cartoon animal people, will you help me reclaim this world for humanity and find my missing father, The Emperor?"
The animals nod. You give them a rousing speech about duty and honor, and they are set to begin the construction of the barrier.
within minutes a flawless wall of mirrors is constructed, including items like vanities, stand up mirrors, and medicine cabinets, and a short time later imps have been rounded up and placed in all of the mirrors.
The Vampire woman's horde arrives, as do more ghouls.
"No way we're getting in," you mutter.
Felix transforms his bag of tricks into a massive buster sword and uses his Finishing Touch limit breaker attack on the approaching horde.
"No, we can't get in."
The Vampire suddenly begins laughing.
"You," she says, "You won't be escaping."
Mickey Mouse hurls seemingly unlimited Molotov cocktails at the undead, while Goofy uses a proton pack to trap ghosts, Pete the dog fires a rivet gun at ghouls, while Donald Duck fires from a wwI machinegun turret. Among all this you call orange lightning to strike your enemies.
"You'll pay for your hubris," the Vampire hisses.
Suddenly, the Vampire disappears, impossibly.
The Vampire accidentally no-clipped out of reality, now she's trapped in The Back Rooms, never to bother you again. Shortly after this, the undead armies of Gorgons begin to break apart.
"Time to leave," you say.
"We can't leave!" the Cartoon Animal People cry.
> You kiss Felix the cat, then Mickey Mouse, then Oswald the lucky rabbit.
The three of you embrace, and then you do the same with the Animal People.
> You undress yourself and make love with all the cartoon animal people.
You fuck the animals, and they are utterly surprised.
"Never before have we been with a human," the leader says, "Let alone a robot."
> You say "I am 1000% human, last time I checked..."
"I am a cartoon animal person," confirms Goofy.
"No, I'm a hound," insists Pluto.
> You say "I never knew Pluto could speak English..."
"Neither did I," says Pluto.
> You say "Haven't I escaped Freetown yet?"
"Yes, you have," says Goofy.
"Then how am I still not in Freelance?" you ask. "It's the only town in Gorgon."
> You march with the army of cartoon animal people along the road to civilization.
The Vampire's prediction comes true, you manage to make it to the only town in Gorgon, Freelance, who are overjoyed to have you join them.
> You introduce the cartoon animal people to the citizens of freelance.
You show your new friends around, and you are surprised at how accepting the people are.
"Only sickos would kill each other in the streets where anyone could see," remarks Goofy.
> You say "That is an accurate statement, man-dog."
"I knew it," says Pluto with a sigh. "I knew I just had to get your loyalty before the League."
"Quiet, dog-dude," you say.
> You ask Walt Disney what he thinks about all this.
"Damn, I'm out of ideas," you say. "I need another creative mind to come up with something."
"I'm sorry, I just can't see where this is going well for you."
> You say "We need to find John Lenon, Paul McCartney, George Harrison, and Ringo Star, I heard they live in this town."
You arrive in the town of Buckshot, every house painted blue and yellow.
"I think I saw some houses with people living in them," you say.
"Those are the George houses."
> You say "Donald Duck, can you go knock on one of the doors?"
"OK," says the duck, flying off.
You see a door with a painting of a smiling duckling above it. You walk up to the door, and rap your knuckles against it.
"Hello?"
> You say "I am Crazy Foo, and I have come to unite The Beatles."
You walk into the living room, where four beatles are sitting around a table playing cards.
"Hi," says John Lennon. "you're not The Man."
You shake your head.
> You say "I'm afraid I am just a Human woman, with an army of Anthromorphs, and superhuman powers, and sadly I have not brought any illicit substances for your enjoyment."
The four beatles gasp in horror, and hide their valuables in a secret place.
"You're a vampire."
"Yes," you admit.
"God, we were so stupid."
Of course you were only kidding, since you are not in fact a Vampire, and actually you are a living human woman, with superhuman powers. But these beatles are so used to April's lies that they react as if you had just told them the truth.
"What are you doing here?" asks Paul McCartney.
> You say "I was hoping Timothy Leery might stop by with some LSD. I think he might be able to help me find my father, The Emperor, who ran off into the woods."
"Jesus. The Emperor?" asks Ringo. "I thought he'd been dead for years."
"Well, he has," you say.
"You never told us that," says George Harrison.
> You say "Well the man who told me my father was dead, was struck by orange lightning, then I saw my father alive twice after that, so, dead or not, I believe he's out there running around still. My mother and siblings still light a candle for him in the window at home."
Once you've told the Beatle men your story, they begin to tell their own stories.
"Yeah, and I once life-froze an angry ogre who wanted my mandolin..." begins John.
> You say "Oh no, mate, not the mandolin..."
"It's true," says Ringo with a laugh. "It's just a regular bluegrass mandolin. It's not like he froze a magically enchanted wand that could kill fifty men with just a slight breeze."
> You say "Can I have some tea cookies?"
There's a silence in the living room.
"Sure," says George.
You hop up on a table, and the other three put their cards face down on the table.
"Draw!" says Paul.
With your left hand you draw the cards, with your right hand you take a tea cookie, put the tea cookie in your mouth, and eat the tea cookie. after you swallow the tea cookie, you look at your cards.
"A pair of Kings," you say, showing the four Beatle men the card.
"You using both hands?" asks Ringo.
> You say "I will use as many hands as it takes to get the job done."
"Perfect," says John. "I'll use my hands."
You all concentrate for a moment, and suddenly you find youself surrounded by an invisible force.
"Ha-ha!" laughs John.
> You call Minnie Mouse, and Daisy Duck into the house.
"You're not seriously using both hands are you?" asks Paul. "I got a deal going on with my new PC, I could really use the money."
You nod.
> You play your hand where it lands.
You continue to concentrate, and suddenly you find your self in the middle of a castle, surrounded by an army of ghosts.
"Well, this would be a shit place to stay." You think to yourself.
> You say "Abrakapocus!"
Suddenly, in the fucking middle of a vampire siege, you get distracted by a giant six-foot tall rabbit.
"Fuck off!" you yell, flinging your hands out.
"Now there's a picture."
> You say "Hocuskadabra!"
Suddenly, all the ghosts freeze in place.
"Who are you?"
"I'm a fucking wizard."
You pull out your wand, and the four men draw theirs as well.
> You say "Abracadabra!"
Suddenly, a portal opens up, and the four men run inside. You watch as the portal closes, before the ghost of the rabbit walks out from behind a bookshelf.
> You say "Hocus pocus"
"Fuck you." You say, and then you're hit by a blast of lightning.
You collapse to the floor, and electricity runs through your body.
The electricity re-activates your long dormant power armor, and you spring up with a start. You take a deep breath, before your ears pop. You smile, and stand tall.
You charge at the ghost, waving your hands to make the sparks fly.
"I am the fucking future!"
Before anyone can guess what may happen next Goofy and his son Max step through the portal with proton packs and ghost traps, capturing many ghosts.
"There's the future!" shouts Goofy.
A bright light appears, and with a pop, you find yourself in... a tree?
> You say "And now I'm in a tree again, why did I make all these giant trees?"
"Fuck this, this portal bullshit sucks." You say. "I'm just gonna go home now."
You jump off the tree, and change back to your natural form.
You morph into a winged horned female gargoyle, with grinning imp faces on your breasts and crotch.
"Hazel, get your shit together and follow me." You say.
You fly off through the city, leaving the other two to gather up the bodies.
"Fuck, there's a lot of them."
Bodies begin to revivify into living beings at random. You begin to grind your teeth together, realizing that the dead have some use after all.
> You say "How is this happening?"
You feel the need to articulate your thoughts, even if it means doing so out loud.
"How is this happening?" You repeat, in an undertone, to yourself.
> You say "Hazel, have you got a spare broom?"
"What?"
"Nevermind." You say.
"So..." says Hazel.
You stand there, waiting for them to speak, as the corpses around you begin to move.
"Well?"
ages of rot and mortal wounds heal as former denizens of the dead are restored to lifelike freshness.
You survey the scene.
Perhaps... a new day is dawning?"
"What?!" you ask in surprise.
"We can't take any more loss.
flesh and souls long departed are restored to the creatures, one by one and they become whole and learn to stand again, in time they will remember how to speak.
"It's working!" You say in amazement.
Well done, reader, you have passed the first event of this tale. This story is just beginning, so there will be many more events to come.
> You examine your reflection.
You look in the mirror, and are surprised to find yourself seemingly back to normal. Your armor has been repaired, your head is no longer bleeding, you have six arms and two sets of eyes.
> You say "All my features in their proper place."
Your two extra arms appear to be holding a mace and a shield, with red Dragon symbols.
Gently, you place them aside.
> You pose seductively and admire your own form.
Closing your eyes and sticking your head backwards, you stretch one arm out to touch your surroundings.
> You spread your own pussy and masturbate to your own reflection.
Suddenly, a hand clamps around your arm, and you open your eyes. You see a woman, her long black hair tied up into a messy bun.
> You say "Mother Gothel!?"
The woman's face is a deep shade of red, the skin around her eyes is stretched and no longer has the elasticity found in living flesh.
> You say "Did you run out of Rampion?"
"Run out?" The vampire woman spits in your face. "I've been running toward this damned forest for years now, and I've never ran out of anything."
"I have."
> You say "Wait! You? You were lost in The Back Rooms..."
"I was lost and starving, but I found something better than food. There's a lot of life left in me yet, but I won't become a ghoul for lack of blood.
> You say "What could be better than food?"
The vampire hisses, this time with her mouth open.
"Than flesh, obviously." she snarls.
> You slap the Vampire woman, and tell her she's been bad.
A spurt of blood spurts from her wound, and the woman hisses again. She takes a step back, one taloned foot falls off the stair, and she almost falls backwards down the stairs.
Abruptly the Vampire woman T-poses, and no-clips through the second step, falling back into The Back Rooms, where she will remain lost forever.
With a sigh, you begin to turn away when you notice the living soldiers just sitting down to eat.
Before them a feast of fruit, vegetables, tubers, meat, milk, eggs, and grain.
You sigh, and begin to carve up the fallen vampire, which you will need to survive.
Food.
The flesh of a vampire tastes rubbery and fermented. but you have come to depend on it, ever since you bit Flevas, so long ago. You can't really be sure how long it's been. No-one has seen Flevas for decades, and no-one has heard from him since he took you out of the slave market.
Largely because you burnt him and scattered the ashes, does that confirm he's dead, though?
After a few months of chewing on Flevas' dried up face, your gums begin to bleed. The blood trickles down your throat, and you find you can no longer chew effectively.
But all that was a long time ago, now you crush the rubbery flesh of a Vampire woman against the roof of your mouth with your tongue until it turns to putty, and swallow the lump of vampire flesh putty, like a heavy pill. The flavor reminds you of kemchi.
You carve up the dead vampire and begin to feed, as her army slowly walks past you and into the depths of the cave you call home.
The undead soldiers seem to flake apart like instant mashed potatoes as they walk. You can tell them apart easily enough: Wight-souls who have been dead for a few years are the color of old, rainwater rich soil.
You count hundreds of them, maybe even a thousand...
Without direction they march until their bodies become mulch.
A thousand and one.
They are just so... so... pointless.
Not as fun as the ghosts, at least they can fight, but so damn annoying at this moment in time.
> You say "Can't I finish a meal in peace for once?"
A tweedle of dwarven legs appear from a hole in the ground, and a strange sound comes out. It sounds like laughter.
Then another, and another, and another...
> You say "Are you Dwarfs friendly?"
One dwarf steps forward. His beard is snow-white, as are his hair and eyebrows. His face is broad and bearded, with one missing eye.
> You say "What is your name, master Dwarf?"
"My name is Grungi, child."
You blink back surprise, but the Dwarf stares at you, unimpressed by your lack of awareness.
> You say "How would I have guessed that? You look very clean, for someone who just crawled out of a hole."
Grungi snorts with amusement, before addressing you again.
"You would make a fine addition to our number Grungi." he says.
> You say "What do you number as of now?"
Grungi scratches the side of his beard before answering.
"Currently we are thirty-two strong. Some have already left to join up with another Dwarven group."
You nod thoughtfully. That's good.
> You say "But I'm just a Human woman, can I really travel through holes as Dwarfs do?"
Grungi claps you on the shoulder, smiling at you.
> You say "I want to ask a favor while I consider joining you, would all of you dwarfs please ejaculate on my face at once?"
The Dwarf snorts with amusement again.
"That's never going to happen Grungi." he says. "Unless you want to travel through a hole in the ground that is!"
> You say "How about this, cover my Human face in Dwarven sperm, and I'll join you."
The Dwarf stares at you for a moment, contemplating your deal.
"Done." he says.
You move forward and roll onto your knees.
> You say "Cum on me, sexy dwarfs!"
Your statement is met with more laughter as dwarfs begin ejaculating onto your face. Their voluminous semen is like a cold, wet blanket and you feel yourself go completely numb.
> You swallow as much dwarf nectar as you can, scraping it off your own face, into your own mouth, with your own fingers.
You begin dragging yourself forward, your tongue flickering along the roof of your mouth and into your throat, trying to scoop up the precious liquid. Grunting, you force yourself up and begin walking after the Dwarves.
The dwarf seed is full of precious living protein which nourishes you, it turns out locomotion through holes in the ground is not so difficult, as long as you remember not to take that left turn at Albuquerque.
After an hour or so you find yourself emerging into a larger area, camped at the edge of a forest. You smell a sharp smell, like eggs.
Then you smell smoke.
> You say "Ehhh... What's cookin', Doc?"
A large, black, 4-wheeled Jeep sits by a campfire, with several figures around it.
> You say "Pleased to meet you all, I am Crazy Foo, would you care to introduce yourselves."
One of the figures around the campfire looks up and stares at you.
"Ah, more new recruits, please help yourself to the pail of blood over there, it's on first come first serve basis."
> You say "Um... pail of blood?"
You walk over to the pail of blood, and take a deep breath.
You lift the pail up to your face, and take a deep breath, filling your lungs with the scent of blood, and...
> You put the pail down, choking from the stench.
It smells like shit, like a dirty pail that's been sitting outside for weeks, that's been continually bathed in shit.
You quickly pick up the pail and look inside.
> You say "This blood has gone off."
The pail is mostly full of congealed blood, with a few large chunks of pale red flesh floating in the liquid.
> You say "Thank, but no thanks."
You turn to exit, when you notice the back of the Jeep.
There's a large whiteboard with a lot of writing on it.
You walk over and read the writing.
> You say "Noa's Murderboard... what does it all mean?"
Finally, you've stumbled onto the key to why this place exists. Noa murdered her father, and was planning to go through with some insane plan to become a vampire.
> You say "These diagrams don't even follow any kind of logic, these equations jump to wild conclusions..."
You notice a picture of a humanoid in the corner of one of the diagrams.
A drawing of a man, clearly with dark skin and facial features.
You squint at the picture.
As you focus details within the darkness resolve themselves.
The drawing is clearly you, but with fangs and a fully blood-smeared face.
> You say "Why does this look so much like me?"
You turn, hurrying towards the door.
Within a few seconds, you hear the rumble of undead as they begin to awaken.
> You run away.
With a primal yell, you burst into a sprint, running as fast as you can out of the building.
Behind you, the door slams shut, and the rumbling of hordes of undead is heading your way.
> You run faster and call orange lightning to burn the undead hordes.
You sprint as fast as you can, your boots pounding against the stone road.
the undead hordes are struck by many bolts of orange lightning, igniting them in holy fire.
You keep sprinting, leaping over burning corpses as the smell of burnt flesh fills your nostrils.
Is it weird that you get a buzz off this?
After several long minutes, you notice that you're clear of the horde. You slow your pace, walking as you take in your surroundings.
An art deco movie theater looms over you, grandiose and annointed, the marquis reads, "tonight only, Call of Cthulhu"
You walk on, taking in the sights of the old melodramatic town.
Soon, you come across a small store with it's façade covered in colorful graffiti.
It reads "Doingo wrote this!"
You open the door, revealing a small store front.
Behind the window is a young man, with a smock strung over his emaciated frame.
His long rubber gloves glisten in the fluorescent light.
His mismatched eyes, one solid black and one with a white highlight look at you.
"Hello," he says in a monotone voice.
"Do... Do you speak?" you ask.
It should be obvious to you that he speaks, having just heard him say a word, nonetheless you anxiously await his response.
He moves his mouth, but no sound comes out.
Do you:
A. Yank the gloves off his hands and search him?
B. Attempt to communicate with him using hand signals?
You choose A.
You grab one of the rubber gloves and yank it off his hand.
He recoils, but holds his hands still.
You take the other glove, then put them on your own hands and perform a full body cavity search on him.
You move your hands slowly up and down his legs, over his stomach, around his arms and chest, and back.
You look into his eyes steadily as you search him.
you strip off his clothes and check his throat, nose, crevices, and finally... his ears.
You can't find anything.
"I'm sorry," you say.
"You're clean," you say.
"Do... Do you speak?" he asks.
> You say "So, as I suspected, you can only mimic the basic forms of human speech."
"So, as I suspected, you can only mimic the basic forms of human speech."
He looks at you blankly.
> You look back at him blankly.
He begins to walk towards you, arms extended.
You follow as he drags his feet, heading towards the door.
You grab his wrist, stopping him in his tracks.
"Why?"
> You say "Seriously, why?"
He looks at you blankly.
"Why what?" he asks.
You look away, exasperated with this inane conversation.
"Why would you do such a thing?" you ask.
"Why?" he stares at you blankly, "Well, I'll tell you.. I don't like vampires."
You think for a moment.
"You're a vampire."
"Oh, good catch,negative vibes!"
He looks at you blankly.
> You say "I'm literally not a vampire. I'm fully human, I came back to life, I was never undead."
"I'm literally not a vampire. I'm fully human, I came back to life, I was never undead."
"Ah," he says,
> You take his gloves off your hands and throw them in the bio-hazard waste bin.
The gloves are damp, and you hate sweating.
You take them off, and throw them in the bin.
You kneel down beside it, and close the lid, before walking over to the till.
> You say "Do you like the way I walk?"
"Do you like the way I walk?"
"What?" he asks.
"Do you like the way I walk?" you ask, mimicking his inflection.
"No."
> You say "Why not?"
"No."
You stare at him.
"Do you like the way I walk?" you ask again, "It's a serious question."
"No," he says.
"Why not?"
> You twerk on the clerk.
"Why not?" you ask, twerking.
You take a step, then a half-step, half-twerking step forward. The clerk stares blankly at you.
"Why not?"
> You say "Do you like the way I twerk?"
"Do you like the way I twerk?"
"What?" he asks.
"Do you like the way I twerk?" you ask again, "It's a serious question."
> You say "Just tell me, you like it, don't you?"
His mouth gapes slightly, and he leans back.
"No."
"Do you want to see me twerk?" you ask.
"What?"
You tut loudly.
> You twerk right in his face.
The clerk stares at you, looking completely terrified. He takes a step back.
"I want to see you twerk," you say, twerking.
"What?" he asks.
> You say "Twerk, white boy, or I'll gut you like a halibut!"
"Twerk, white boy, or I'll gut you like a halibut!" you threaten.
He stares at you with fear and awe in his eyes.
"Fine!" he says.
He starts to fidget and gyrate.
You find the rhythm of his movements and mirror them.
He laughs. You smile, and he begins to clap.
You smile, and begin to clap as well.
> You say "This is the dance our grand-kids will be doing."
"This is the dance our grand-kids will be doing."
"No, this is the dance."
He starts to caper like a marionette. You caper along with him.
His movements become faster and more frantic, as yours are.
The clerk drops to his knees.
"The dance of the dead!" he cries,
> You say "Totally!"
The clerk starts to dance.
You laugh.
"This is fucking beautiful," you say, watching the Clerk.
The clerk dances without music, his movements full of grace.
> You say "Well the shark has razor sharp teeth, and he shows them dirty white!
Just a knife has, old MacBeef, babe, and he keeps it at a site."
The clerk stares at you blankly.
"What?" he asks.
"Nothing," you say.
You frown, and look around the office.
> You say "When the shark bites, and his teeth tear, scarlet billows start to spread."
A knife has been mentioned. You seem to be considering what is happening, a thought confirmed by your silence.
"You okay, foo?" the clerk asks.
> You say "Fancy sheets has, old MacBeef, dear, so he hides out, every little trace of red."
The clerk stares at you blankly, then bursts into laughter.
"What?" you ask.
"Nothing," he says.
> You say "You owe me thrupence for my opera."
"You owe me thrupence for my opera."
"Oh, you can go fuck yourself," he says.
He throws a crumpled note on the counter.
> You say "This is a whole quid, mate, I can't break this."
"This is a whole quid, mate, I can't break this."
"I don't want your money. I want my dog," you say.
> You say "You don't have a dollar, I don't have a wiener!"
"You don't have a dollar, I don't have a wiener!"
He pulls a pistol from his belt, aiming it at you.
"Give me your wallet."
"Looking for these?" you say, holding his bullets in the palm of your hand, "I took them when I searched you." you declare.
The man's eyes widen.
"You fucking prick!" he roars, grabbing you by the throat and tossing you against the wall.
"I'm going to kill you, you little faggot!"
> You say "How am I a faggot if I'm a woman?"
As you stand, the man turns and aims his pistol at you.
His pistol which is still empty.
You draw your own pistol, and fire. The bullet hits him in the forehead, killing him instantly. You sigh, holstering your weapon.
"Thanks," the clerk says.
> You say "For what... guess I'll never know?"
"For what... guess I'll never know?"
"Thanks for the mental exercise," he says.
You look at the man and shrug.
"Sure," he says,
> You say "Honestly I think you needed it like you needed a hole in the head."
"Honestly I think you needed it like you needed a hole in the head."
"Thanks," you say.
"No problem," he says,
You walk down the street, thinking.
Thinking about everything you've been through in the past year.
You'll be glad when this is over.
You've gotten to know a few people in this world. Made some friends you might've not have made if you had stayed in the Kingdom of Man.
Taken advantage of some singularly gratifying scenarios.
But ultimately, it's all been pretty... pointless.
You could just keep your knowledge of this place to yourself. Nobody would probably find it anyway.
Nobody would probably ever find it.
That would likely be for the best, if you were the only one who knew the things you've done here. You'd just like to think that you could keep this little secret place in your mind, just for yourself.
As you're lost in these thoughts Mickey Mouse and several of his friends arrive tromping proudly over the horizon.
"Why hello there!" Minnie Mouse says cheerfully, "Anywhere good?"
"Oh it was good," you say with a smile, "Where have you been?"
"Oh, exploring!"
> You say "Did you find out whether the moons are made of cheese?"
"Did you find out whether the moons are made of cheese?"
"What? No! We were trying to see if you'd found out whether the moons are made of cheese," you say.
> You say "What if they're actually giant eggs, and they hatch one day."
"What if they're actually giant eggs, and they hatch one day."
"Good luck explaining that one to the Ewoks."
Wicket looks at you, horrified by the prospect you've just introduced.
"Shit," Wicket says, turning and running off.
> You say "Sheeesh! I didn't know anyone actually from a moon would be here when I said that."
"Sheeesh! I didn't know anyone actually from a moon would be here when I said that."
"Ah, what's done is done, now we just have to deal with the aftermath."
> You say "When did you make friends with the Ewoks, Mickey?"
"When did you make friends with the Ewoks, Mickey?"
> You say "It's a serious question."
"It's a serious question."
"Oh, that's simple," he says,
"I own THE STAR WARS!" Mickey Mouse declares, laughing maniacally.
"I thought you said you didn't watch that film," you say.
"I didn't!" he says, "But I did! I stole it!"
"You stole a movie?"
"I stole an entire franchise!" Mickey proudly corrects.
"Wait," you say, "Every movie they've made?"
"All accompanying content and merchandising rights too." Mickey adds with a smirk.
"I've never heard of such a thing."
"Of course you haven't," he says, "That's why it's brilliant."
> You say "So, if we wanted a star ship right now?"
"So, if we wanted a star ship right now?"
"We could have one."
"In time."
> You say "Could we have Darth Vader's Star Destroyer?"
"Could we have Darth Vader's Star Destroyer?"
"No."
"Damn, I was really hoping."
"You take what you can get I guess."
"Exactly."
> You say "What about The Millennium Falcon?"
"What about The Millennium Falcon?"
"That wasn't free, you know."
"Oh right. My bad."
"So, how much did all this cost?" you ask.
"How should I know?" Mickey muses "I used my infinite money."
"Ah, of course," you say.
"And when do you want this done?"
"Soon. As in, before you do anything else."
"The sooner the better."
A Corellian Corvette starship touches down nearby.
"Here she is," the Mouse says, "My new lover, Captain Jon Smith."
Captain Jon Smith is a tall, gaunt looking individual.
> You say "Permission to board, Captain Smith, sir."
"Permission granted," he says, stepping aside.
You quickly head up the boarding tube to the ship, which is docked with the smaller ships.
"Welcome aboard," Smith says.
> You say "Can the cartoon animal people join us?"
"Can the cartoon animal people join us?"
"Sure, why not."
And so you take a group of "species unknown" with you. They seem to be happy enough, certainly more than you were.
> You say "Incidentally, what is this vessel's destination?"
"Incidentally, what is this vessel's destination?"
"Oh, we're not going there," Smith says,
> You say "Then, where are we going?"
"Then, where are we going?"
> You say "How about the capitol?"
"How about the capitol?"
"The capitol?"
"Yes, I think the captain mentioned he had business with the king. Although," Smith says, looking at you,
> You say "Yes?"
"Yes, er... can I ask who you are?"
"I'm Crazy foo."
"What?" he asks cautiously.
"Crazy foo."
"Are you serious?" Smith asks,
> You say "Crazy Foo is my given name, ask me again and I'll tell you the same!"
"Crazy Foo is my given name, ask me again and I'll tell you the same!"
> You say "All the crazy and the cool, know the tale of Crazy Foo."
"All the crazy and the cool, know the tale of Crazy Foo."
"Don't tell me you've joined the Disney Kids."
> You say "Not before you did."
"Not before you did."
"I've gotta say," Smith says, "I'm a little disappointed in you."
"Oh?" you ask, raising an eyebrow.
> You say "You've been a Disney Kid since 1607."
"You've been a Disney Kid since 1607."
"I've been a Disney kid since birth," you say.
"Oh, I didn't know your kind got born."
> You say "it does when you're born in a movie theater"
"it does when you're born in a movie theater"
"Yeah, I guess it does."
"So, how far is it to the capitol?" you ask.
"Not far at lightspeed." Smith says.
"Damn, I should've worked on that."
"Alright, let's get going."
You sit in the passenger seat of the ship as it soars through the emptiness of space.
> You look at the ship's console.
You look at the ship's console.
The switch on the side of the dashboard can be manouvered to three different positions. You decide to send a small amount of power to thrusters A and B. The ship jumps forward slightly as Power Plant engages into burners.
Captain Jon Smith turns to you.
"Hey, are we uniting or something?" Jon asks.
"Yeah, do you want to sit next to me?"
"Maybe later."
> You say "we can get real close later, if you know my reputation."
"We can get real close later, if you know my reputation."
Jon raises his eyebrow and looks ahead as the ship soars through the emptiness of space.
> You say "You're a human man, I'm a human woman, just think about the possibilities."
"You're a human man, I'm a human woman, just think about the possibilities."
"Hah, this and a flashlight with fresh batteries."
You quickly look away, blushing.
"What exactly could we use the flashlight for?" you ask, biting your lip nervously.
"If I turn it on, can you shine it on my face for me? I always break my makeup when I laugh this much."
"Sure... but what, um, why do you laugh so much?"
> You say "And, if you don't mind my asking, where are Pocahontas, Snow White, and the rest of the Princesses?"
"And, if you don't mind my asking, where are Pocahontas, Snow White, and the rest of the Princesses?"
"Why, they're asleep," Captain Jon Smith says.
> You say "All of them?"
"All of them?"
"All of the princesses?"
Jon pauses, searching a memory.
"I think... Priscilla, Annah, and Vampiria are asleep."
> You say "What about Aurora, I would have thought she got enough sleep already?"
"What about Aurora, I would have thought she got enough sleep already?"
"Aurora's awake."
> You say "What about Elsa, though, we could really benefit from her powers on our side."
"What about Elsa, though? We really could benefit from her powers on our side."
"Elsa.... eh.... isn't...." Jon stutters.
"Don't tell me....."
"She left."
> You say "Well that's unfortunate, instruments indicate we're approaching The Capitol."
"Well that's unfortunate, instruments indicate we're approaching The Capitol."
"It's nothing bad. I mean, it is something. I just don't want to talk about it."
"It's nothing bad. I mean, it is something. I just don't want to talk about it."
You look at Jon, who looks out the window and continues:
"Aurora's a good ruler, she just wants to have fun, rather than staying up all night plotting and planning."
"Well that's unfortunate, instruments indicate we're approaching The Capitol."
The Capitol looms heavily ahead, a metropolis of incomparable size.
"So... we have an agreement," Captain Jon says.
"Yes," you say, "we have."
Jon sighs and brings the ship in, finishing with a smooth landing in the landing bay.
As everyone disembarks you ask, "does anyone remember why we came here?"
No one answers. You shrug and follow the captain out of the landing bay, toward the door to the hall.
You enter the hall, which is filled with people. A lot of people.
> You say "How many of these people do you think I could get to cum on my face, Mickey?"
You walk into the hall and take in the scene. You are met by an endless horde of wretched, rotting corpses.
> You say "Eeeew, This is not what I'm into."
You walk up to and then around the corpses.
A man stands on a balcony, looking down at the mass of corpses.
> You ask the man who he is.
You walk up to the man on the balcony.
"What's going on?" you ask.
The man turns around, and you see his face.
"Plllleeeaaasssse."
> You try to remember if you've seen him before.
...
> You say "Why is everybody here corpses?"
"Because a woman came to rule them, and instead they got fucked by a bloke" Captain Jon says.
You grit your teeth and stop asking questions.
"We have an excess of slaves to fill this place, and since the Empire collapsed, we've been using these corpses as a way to keep order."
"Ah, a stable population. Good to know."
Jon nods, and you begin to ask questions about the mission, but he stops you.
> You follow, like a submissive woman.
"We'll discuss the mission over dinner."
You follow obediently, and Jon leads you through the halls. Eventually, you reach a set of stairs.
> You count the steps as you walk up.
You walk up the stairwell, and at the top you find yourself entering a large dining hall. You see several long tables, each with ten seats. It's probably for one person, but now it can seat thirty.
> You take a seat at the table.
You grab a seat at the table, and sit down.
"Ah, perfect."
Jon sits down, and immediately orders a bottle of wine from a passing waiter.
"I hope this isn't a sign of things to come." You think.
The waiter places the bottle of wine on the table, and leaves.
Wine usually makes you horny. If you could bottle the power that the alcohol in this wine holds and just take a long swilling from the bottle. Best way to get yourself off.
But, you know you shouldn't do it.
But before you realize it you've set up your portable alembic.
"Do you mind if I ask what that is?"
"It's a micro distillery." you say casually as you pour the wine into the boiler.
You flick the switch, and the burner comes to life. A hiss of steam begins emanating from the boiler as you watch it.
That fine red kroovy spirals through the heat exchanger and drips into a flask, halved in volume, but doubled in potency.
As the wine is boiled away you begin adding your precious dry ice.
You watch as the temperature of the flask begins to rise, quickly melting all the ice in the flask.
The carbonation adds that extra zing.
You get a large pipette with a rubber stopper and begin drawing the liquid directly into it. The vapor condenses in the pipette, which you then transfer into a larger syringe.
> You say "It's like Awesome, you can inject into your veins!"
You continue to work, and soon have a syringe of the purest, cleanest death you could ever want.
"Jon, I need to show you something."
> You put away the syringe for later and follow Jon.
You follow Jon out of the hall and down a long, spiraling staircase.
At the bottom of the stairs you find yourself in a large operating room.
> You say "What's this all about?"
"I have an idea for how we can beat the Vampires," Jon says.
"Let's hear it," you reply.
Jon stops, and grips his hands.
"They're going to march an army of undead giants."
You cringe. Gigalough's crew might work, but they're the only ones you've got.
"How do you know this?"
"Because I've been monitoring the Necromancer's army's movements using their camp in the woods as a marker."
You take out your dagger, and carve the symbol for "LONG PLAN" into your palm.
> You say "So, what's next, Phoebus?"
"The undead giants will smash through the walls, crush our armies and take the city. We need to deploy firebomb drones into their camp before they get them."
"That's... pretty bold. I love it."
> You say "Will fire wipe them out completely?"
"I've no idea, but it's worth a shot."
"Excellent."
Jon heads over to a table. He lays out several syringes filled with a clear fluid.
> You say "What are those for?"
"These are the Sleeping Death.
> You and what does that substance do?
A vial of blood is injected into your neck, and you fall into a deep sleep.
Your dreams are dark, horrifying and graphic.
> You say "Who are we supposed to use them on?"
A dark, saturnine entity appears, perched on the air.
"We use them on the Vampires."
The dream-being vanishes.
"Wait, what?"
Jon pulls out a large tome, the pages of which are covered with shit-eating grin.
> You say "Alakazam!"
Jon chuckles, almost pityingly.
"No, silly. It's thought-speak. I asked what your favorite memory of the old Encina was."
"Oh. Fighting the Vampires, of course."
> You say "Bumblebee Tuna?"
"No, it's wasabi."
"Oh."
"I'll explain more later."
Jon hands you a small wooden figurine of a riding toy pasted to the top of a short stick.
> You say "Jon, are you saying you want me to ride your stick?"
Jon smiles proudly.
"Yes. I want you to ride my stick."
"Alright then. But what's this for?"
"This is a lie."
> You say "Jon, take me to your quarters and put your big throbbing member inside me."
Jon chuckles, and pulls out a large bayonet-looking object from his clothing.
> You say "I don't think that's what I was talking about."
Jon smirks.
"No, I suppose you wouldn't. I was being serious."
"You're a strange one, Jon Snow."
Jon's smirk becomes a frown.
> You say "And I was being serious about sex."
Jon drops the knife, and grins.
You unbutton his jacket and press your breasts against his chest.
Jon groans, and pushes you backward so that he can kneel on the floor and lift you onto his stick.
He stands and holds you upright as you grip the stick with both hands.
> You say "It's longer than I expected."
Jon grins.
"Oh, I'm sure it's plenty long enough for any girl."
You grip the end of the stick more tightly.
As it slides inside your pussy it's thicker than you expected too.
You groan as you begin to ride Jon's cock.
The scene changes.
You're in a small arena, with a large, demonic-looking creature staring at you.
> You say "How dare you interrupt my sex scene with this?"
The creature snarls, and lunges at you.
You grip the top of the stick, and the creature is impaled on it.
> You say "Now where in the holy hell am I?"
You're in a massive cave. A large fire burns near you, providing both light and heat.
You look around, and realize you're the only one in the area.
> You say "Well that's just typical..."
A howl wakes you from your sleep. You stand and look out the window. The moonlight is bright, but a few torches light the room.
Jon Snow stands in front of you, holding your dagger.
> You say "What now?"
Jon Snow points the dagger at you.
"It seems that you're awake. Shall I kill you now?"
You look at the blade for a second, then look back at Jon.
> You say "If you're really asking, I'd prefer if you didn't."
Jon nods.
"Wise."
He raises the dagger.
You take your phone out and send a text.
Hey. I'm in an emergency situation. Can you pop over to my place?
There's a second where you expect him to reply, but he doesn't.
You wonder whether you should make some sort of move.
Jon approaches you with the dagger still raised.
You in desperation you activate the conjuration circle you drew in this room during the sex and summon Walt Disney.
"What the fuck are you doing?" Jon snarls, as the vampiric lord stumbles in.
Walt glances at him, before looking at you.
> You say "Walt, this fucker is going psycho with a knife, while I'm naked, what should I do?"
Walt frowns, before grinning.
"Kill him."
You nod.
You move quickly, activating your Northern Lights and stabbing Jon through the face at a bright light.
> You say "That was intense. Why would he do that?"
Walt nods.
"The Master of the West recently took control of the council. The vampires have become much weaker as a whole, and desired to strengthen themselves by infecting more of their brethren."
You nod.
> You say "Is Photo-Negative Mickey still on our side?"
Walt nods.
"Yes. He's been helping the resistance in his own little way."
"Okay. Well, that's good to hear. But we're still fucked."
"We'll figure it out. So how do we stop the plague?"
> You say "Well curing it will only matter if we can stop the distribution network. Do we have anyone who know how to whip up an anti-serum?"
Walt nods.
"We have a candidate. They're currently curing a few resistance members in a hidden location."
"Perfect, I'll start trying to locate it soon."
> You say "Who is this alchemist or science wiz?"
Walt smiles.
"Why it's your old friend, the witch Hazel." beams the animation legend. "She's working with Gizmo Duck's cell."
"Hazel's helping the mutants?"
Walt nods.
"Unfortunately, yes. But as I said, at least she's helping."
John finishes your sentence for you.
Mickey Mouse comes in with his usual anthromorph entourage, "Let's head back to the ship. The hospitality here has soured."
You nod, and take a few deep breaths. After a few seconds, you arrive in the parking lot of the Best Western.
"Stay close to the people with guns." You say.
John nods.
"Hyuck-Hyuck!" Goofy laughs, "This has turned out to be a wild ride, but we support you, Crazy Foo."
You and the others follow as you make your way to your ship.
"So, what's our plan of attack?" asks Goofy.
> You say "First we pick up Hazel to help counteract the plague, then we find out who's spreading the plague and shoot the messengers."
Walt nods.
"Perfect. We pick up Hazel, then we shoot the messengers."
Goofy puts his hands in his coat pockets,
"Gorsh!" declares the senior Goof.
"What, no 'Hook, line and sinker'?" asked Mickey impatiently.
Goofy frowns at him.
"I'm trying to think!"
"Fine."
"I likes shootin' messengers." Pete says with an unctuous grin.
"Let's go." Says Goofy.
Everyone loads into the classic Corellian hammership.
"I think I remember this ship." Says Goofy.
"Sure you do." You smirk.
"What?"
"You piloted it into a tree twice."
"Aww, shucks!"
You land the ship in the clearing you use for landing and disembark. You see Hazel walking towards you from the station, a few mutant workers running after her.
> You say "Those mutants sure look stirred up..."
"Yeah." She says, nodding to you.
> You say "What's happening around here?"
Hazel frowns,
"Been an okay day today. Mostly normal humans wandering around, though the odd infected got processed."
You nod.
"Good. So, what can you tell me about the plague?"
She looks down at her calloused hands, as if reading her own palmistry. You see her begin to flex and unflex her hands.
"I've found a cure, by mixing cough syrup and horse dewormer, but it's expensive to make, and only works 70 percent of the time." Hazel says, wringing her hands together.
"Infected people have a red tinge to their skin, like they've gone very pale but feel feverish. Their movements are extremely slow and they feel like they're half asleep."
"What do you use it for?" You ask, unsure if you want to risk the side effects.
"Curing infected people." She says simply.
"How long do the symptoms last?"
"The red skin lasts about a day, the slowness lasts about two. It's really hard to tell since they go into a coma after the third day."
> You say "Does anyone know who's been spreading the infections?"
"The Syndicate."
You nod.
"Do you know who or what the Syndicate is?"
"Sure. A big organization of humans and mutants that run the entire Eastern Seaboard."
> You say "Is there one particular figure we could hit to stop the distribution?"
"Sure.
> You say "Whom?"
"I don't know. They're really well protected, you'd need a team of ten to even get close to finding out!"
You sigh, unsurprised. The headquarters is probably heavily guarded.
> You say "Can you remind me what the plague does?"
"It weakens its victims, so that they're easy prey for the vampires."
You nod.
"So can you take out the guards?"
"Probably."
Felix and Oswald arrive, each with their own accompanying menagerie of anthromorphs, Felix's followers more of the barn-yard variety, while Oswald's are more of the exotic zoo persuasion. Both follow their respective leaders, but eye the mutants in the group with interest.
"Well, well, well. What do we have here?" asks Cain, strolling into the lot.
> You say "There is a magical operation that is of maximum importance!"
Cain smiles and flicks his wrists, and the mutants howl in pain.
"Magical operations and my men are of equal importance to me." He says, then pauses and looks to Hazel.
> You say "What's your angle Cain?"
"I'm loyal to the humans and the Syndicate, but if you're willing to betray both, then I'm willing to listen."
"You truly are an interesting fellow. I'm not sure I trust your motives."
> You say "I believe in the overall superiority of humankind. These cartoon animal people have sworn allegiance to me, and if the plague is really meant to make people easier prey for vampires, that counts as anti-human activity, and I'm against any anti-human activity."
He smiles, and licks his lips,
"You might be a traitor, but you're having a debate without actually calling me a traitor. Fascinating. You certainly are an interesting little vampire."
> You say "I'll say this again, I am human, not a vampire! Why do people think I'm a vampire?"
"I'm having a hard time believing that myself. I think it's the hair. It looks like blood."
> You say "My hair is orange though, what has orange blood?"
He rubs his bearded chin,
> You say "Tell me straight, Cain, are you pro-human or anti-human?"
"Straight? I like girls in the missionary position, but only if they're sisters."
"Please, I'm asking for real!"
Sighing, he seems to put on his serious face,
> You say "If the plague is making humans easier prey for vampires, I aim to stop the plague."
"You might not be the hero everyone thinks you are."
"I'm an upstanding woman."
Cain swears, and looks away for a moment.
> You say "What would make me less of a hero?"
"The Syndicate could be after you. They're a corrupt organization, and they're interested in you for..." he pauses, seeming to count on his fingers. "For fuck's sake, kid, you're up to something, you're a spy and we all need to be on our guard.
> You say "Every action I take is for the good of humankind!"
He smiles,
"So be it. Now, let's all head back to the town."
You nod, and head towards the town.
Three armies of cartoon animal people march with you. You're in the middle of a shitstorm and you can't be sure if you'll even make it home.
Then, you see a horde of hateful, horned demons burst through the trees and charge towards you.
Felix converts his bag of tricks into a massive sword, and slices a demon in half vertically.
Oswald conjures a fireball, which incinerates two demons at once.
Cain throws his axe at another, and it cleaves through the demon's head.
> You say "Hadoken!"
A ball of flames bursts from your finger tips, and engulfs a group of demons.
You look at the remaining demons, who seem confused by what just happened to their companions.
> You say "V'kosh n'gosh!"
A bright red ray of pure heat bursts from your finger tips, incinerating a group of demons.
They fall to the ground, screaming in pain. The remaining demons seem to be in awe of you.
> You say "Whence come you and why, Demons?"
"We heard there is a hero in this forest! We've been waiting."
"For who? I'm a nobody, just a humble mercenary."
"We are as humble as anyone, but we are no nobodies. Our brother Gorn, once led the Three Brothers Syndicate, a powerful organization that ruled the organized criminal worlds.
> You say "Will you fight for us even after we've dispatched your comrades?"
"Of course, we'll fight for you until the end! But as for now, it's better if we stick together. We outnumber you, don't we?"
> You say "I don't know, there are an awful lot of anthromorphs and they're difficult to keep count of, so there could be any number of us."
"Probably more than you, but let's not dwell on such things. What I'd like to know is, will you join us?"
> You say "Crazy Foo does not fight under another commander's banner, but you are welcome to fight under mine."
"That's very generous of you, but I believe I'll take you up on your offer."
Cain nods his head, turning to you.
"You sure about this, Oswy?"
"Yes."
> You say "If the lucky rabbit is willing to work with you, it's settled, we all march together."
"Great!" Cain beams.
Your train proceeds toward the city: Yourself, Cain, The demons, the anthromorph armies of Mickey, Felix, and Oswald. Hazel also moves along with you, manufacturing the cure at a mobile workstation. No-one speaks for about half an hour, as the trains whistle and rumble you along.
Then, Hazel speaks up.
"So..." she says casually.
"Yes Hazel?" you reply.
"The last known location of the Vampire Clan's lair is... here."
This statement causes a moment's silence.
> You say "Are they still here now!?"
"No, they left a week ago."
"Ah. Well, I have the trains to catch. Good luck, Hazel."
"Thanks for the heads up, Hazel."
The train ride is brutal. You feel like you're stuck in a sauna for about two hours, and when you arrive at the city you stagger out.
Your anthromorph allies pour out of their cars in a pseudo-liquid fashion, while the huge demons pop out of the doors like massive witheheads being ejected from tight pores. You find yourself in a bustling city, filled with the roaring of cars, shrieking of sirens, and other assorted noise. Hazel walks over to you.
> You say "Is the cure ready?"
"Yeah, it should be."
"Good, let's get to work. I want to hit at least two targets with it, and have the others hold the fort while we're gone."
"Got it," Hazel nods.
You lead Hazel off into the city, and begin approaching your first target. A young man with a gun on a street corner. You approach him calmly, and he looks at you nervously.
> You take out the target.
You rush the man and punch him, knocking him down. The man grabs his gun defensively and pushes you away.
"What the fuck?" he says angrily.
"I'm the one called Crazy Foo, and this is a demonstration of killing you!" You bellow, as you whip out your laser pistol an shooting him square between the eyes, from the hip.
You fire another shot, blowing out the man's other eye, and the man falls backwards unconscious.
"Fuck, that was harder than it looked," you laugh.
"Come on, we've still got targets to hit," you say.
You and Hazel storm out of the city, and begin approaching the second target.
> You say "Radakabap!"
The target stands roughly 53 feet away surrounded by bodyguards, as you speak your incantation and slam the back of your right hand down against your left palm an explosive wave of sonic force originates from the target's head, expanning to 10 feet and bursting the eardrums of the target and all six of his bodyguards.
Your wave of force knocks them all off their feet, leaving a battered and bloodied mess at your feet.
The round trip is over 5 miles, and the energy release is enough to destroy a small town.
It gives you a strange kind of comfort contemplating this peculiar magical talent you poses in terms of numeric figures and statistics.
Your walk is over, and you make your way back to base, where the others are waiting for you with the cure.
You take Hazel aside, and she begins to tell you what will happen next.
"Basically, we're going to distribute the cure, and then bring down the two remaining targets with our combined might. You'll be in charge of this operation. You should be able to handle it," she says.
"Sure," you nod.
"Right, let's get to work. Everyone back to work.
> You bring up the map of the syndicate compound.
The map of the compound is a huge map, showing the entire complex of buildings that make up the headquarters of the Syndicate.
> You say "So, our targets should be here, and... here!"
Hazel points out two buildings, one marked "Goblin Supplies" and the other "Vampy Supplies." The plan is simple.
> You say "Mickey and his army will attack openly at the front gate. Cartoon animal people are practically invincible and well known to hate gangsters, so this will be a good distraction, then Oswald's crew will come in from the west and Felix's from the east. The demons will be dropping in from above, as is their usual wont. Cain, I want you and the mutants to come in through the sewers, that rout should be unguarded, and completely unexpected."
Cain nods.
"Sounds good. What about us?" David asks.
> You say "Now the north side of the compound is bordered by the lake, since they have their own boats this could be a convenient egress, unfortunately for them, a friend of ours got ahold of some army surplus duck-boats, so as Mickey and the toons have their forces focused up front, we are gonna pull a D-day on their private harbor."
"Let's do it then!" Hazel eagerly agrees.
You brief the others once more, and go over your plans for the final time, then set your plans in motion.
You all gather outside the Syndicate Headquarters, and march towards the Goblin supplied building, an easy task. There are only five of you, but thanks to your powers you are easily able to pass for ten.
David fires his blunderbuss, the insane spread-radio somehow manes to lodge a fork in the chest of each of the 15 gangster-soldiers sent to reclaim the harbor. The rest of you easily take care of the 6 left alive to defend the machine-gun nest at the north gate.
Far away you ca can see the beams of Goofy and Max's proton packs converge on the south gate, resulting in an ear shattering kaboom! Now both gates have fallen to your forces.
But the real fun is just comming to begin.
You burst into the building, a stupid grin plastered on your face.
> You say "It's killing time!"
You laugh as a vampire attempts to charge you with its longsword, but you blast it away with a burst of lightning, the creature's body burning as it hits the ground.
> You find the target.
You run up to the next, smashing the flat of your blade into his head, knocking him backwards. You stab him through the heart, and he falls to the ground with a thud.
Fighting your way through more ineffectual vampire goons you make your way back to a serine zen themed office where an old Oriental man sits meditating.
You burst into the room, dozens of vampire goons in tow, and put your foot on his chest.
"David! We have to get out of here! Now!"
The old man, your target, is already dead. His body has been converted into an explosive device, which you have just activated. The room implodes, and you and David make your escape through a tiny ventilation shaft. The last thing you hear is David laughing.
You burst out of the shaft, on to the surface. You find that your friends have easily dealt with the rest of the infected on the surface, and are busily looting the corpses.
"Look! A Great Masher!" Louie proclaims, displaying a large shiny marble he's found to his brother Huey.
"Yeah, but there's another one!"
"Nah, that one's a dud. Throw it away, it's fucking rotten."
Huey tosses the cracked marble, and it busts pouring out a thick dark green liquid that quickly renders into a noxious pastel green gas.
"Gross! That thing's full of worms and shit!"
"Alright, alright, we got more fun things than rotten marbles!"
"Check it out!" Dewey proclaims, "I found a real Gun, none of that ToonTown anthropomorphic crap! It's a real gun Louie!"
"Duly noted."
Suddenly, a loud roaring noise fills the air.
"Duck!" David shouts, as a large object is hurled right over the heads of the scavengers, into the trees beyond.
It hits with a huge explosion, which rips through the trees, and sending trees and debris flying into the air. Several of your number are struck by flying bits of wood, and you quickly duck down behind the wheel of a nearby van.
After a few seconds, the sound of trees being struck by objects and torn asunder dies down, and you stand up.
Afflicted emerge from their cover, and begin charging towards you.
> You say "What even!?"
You look at David and laugh. "What even!?" You cry in unison with David, before the realisation finally hits.
You've just completed the first laugh.
"Perfect!" You cry, "We need to do this more often!"
"Yeah! So what's next?" David asks.
"Well, I dunno. What do you want to do?"
You both think for a second. "I don't know... What was the last thing we did?"
"Looted a village, I think."
"Yeah, let's do that."
"Cool, I'll get the guys."
You walk over to where David and the rest are standing, out in the open, on the road. There's a mixed reaction.
"What the fuck, David?" Carl says, "We come to you with our problems, and you send out the Kids?"
"The Kids?" You ask, confused.
"Yeah, you and David."
There's a murmur of agreement from the rest.
"He didn't tell you?" David asks, "It's because I wouldn't leave him alone. I kept pestering him to come with me, and he got pissed and exiled me."
A shiver goes up your spine.
> You say "I am not sure I'm equipped to deal with this sort of survivor group drama. I'm on a quest to rid the land of undead, especially undead giants, which I haven't seen a single one of yet, and am beginning to doubt exist."
David nods, "Fair enough. You sure you don't want to come?"
"Nah, I think I'd better stick to my plan. I'm not equipped to handle other issues that may crop up."
> You say "I'm real good at fighting undead, not so good at eating and sleeping, since I need to eat vampires, and sleep in gravity boots."
David nods, "Makes sense. I can't argue with your logic."
You grab the radio. " Command, this is Alpha Team, we're ready for orders, over ."
Static crackles in your ear, "This is Command, proceed with caution, over ."
" Roger that, we'll search the village for any survivors, over ."
There's a pause of a couple of seconds, "Does the plague really make you weak? Over ."
You sigh, "Yes, it makes us quite weak. If you see a human, chase them down and stop them from infecting other humans. We're all out of pro-longed life, over."
You hear a chuckle through the radio, "Alright then, have fun with that. I'll see you later."
You snort, " bet you will, over."
The team sets off down the road.
"Unless I see you first!" you mumble with a wry smirk.
You carry on, down the road.
Chapter 2: Vampire
Night falls. The skies are dark, the air is cold, and you can't stop shivering. You need to find shelter, fast.
"David?" you say, "what's the plan?"
"Going to need fire to Thaw out." David says looking up. "Got any?"
You look up.
> You say "Normally I have the most fire, but I'm not sure if it will work with these clear skies."
David nods, "Probably for the best. They'll be able to see your lighter from miles away. We use fire a lot to signal to each other."
> You say "I don't cary a lighter, it encourages smoking, I once made fire by rubbing two sticks together, it's true, you really can."
David nods, "I'm sure it can. We need something that lights up quick, tinder, rags, something."
You pat yourself down, you un fastened your belt to keep your gun in place, you try to rummage through your clothing, but give up and shrug.
"I've... I've" you stammer,
> You say "There's not a single rag on me."
David frowns, "Really?"
You shake your head, "Not a single rag. I have to have them, they're so useful!"
"Hmm," David grins,
> You say "What are you thinking in that head of yours, you scruffy Nerf-herder?"
David nods, "Alright. I'll be right back. Stay right here."
David lopes off into the darkness, leaving you to sit and wait. The cold, the darkness, the... Something else in the air, causes you to feel unnaturally anxious. You can't explain it, but you feel as though something bad is going to happen.
He returns not long after, holding a black bag about the size of him. He sits next to you and opens the bag, taking out a grey, furry object.
"Cat?" You ask.
"Fox." David replies.
He holds up a small, wide-mouthed bottle, filled with red liquid.
"What's that?"
"Blood."
You swallow hard, "From a... Vampire?"
David nods, "Indeed. I needs must have blood to stay alive, but I'm too lazy to go out and get it, so I tamed one down in the local bedrock layer. The little bugger actually fairly easy, it's the fucking titans up here that are hard to come about."
"Oh. How long have you had it?"
"A few weeks.
> You say "What do you need it for?"
David pauses, "I have no real idea. I just got curious, is all. Now then, shall we?"
> You say "I shall if you shall."
David flips open a small metal box, pressing down on some kind of button, he leans in and croons softly. The song is low, almost quiet, but carries easily in the night, with the clear melody. You find yourself leaning in to listen, as the song ends, you hear a bark.
"Wikawika." The fox says, shoving its snout against your legs.
You shake your head, laughing.
"I don't think so, Spurdo."
The fox looks up, its eyes shining bright, "Sprogs might attack you, but I won't. We've been friends for too long."
You laugh again,
> You say "Moments like this are why this world is here."
David chuckles, gently petting Spurdo on the head, "You sure know how to break a man's heart, you little bastard."
The fox wlips his head around to sniff at your legs some more, you scratch behind his ears. His tongue hangs out, and you place one foot on it, giving him a chance to lick your foot. David laughs at you, and looks down.
"I brought us here," David sighs, "because I'm an idiot. Luckily, I found a way to dismiss the barrier. It took me a few days of testing, because I kept breaking the machine."
"Well, what's the bad news?"
"You're not going home."
You grab the Nerf-as-a-sword out of surprise, breaking three parts of your body to do so. You had enough of being stuck here, you didn't want to stay here any longer than you had too.
"I don't care. I'm leaving now."
You begin to pace back and forth, back and forth, in front of a metal door. It's large, with an equally large 'Do Not Enter' sign on the front. You stop, leaning your head against the door.
> You chop the door open with the Nerf-as-a-sword.
You slam the tip of the sword into the door, denting the metal. You pull it back, and slam it forward again, and again, and again. The sword is heavy, and every swing hurts your arms.
> You can't stop choppin'.
The door is dented, and a large chunk of metal has been sheared off the hilt. You drop the sword, grabbing at your arms to try and stop the feeling of something cold creeping up them.
> You kick the door open with your indestructible boot.
You step to the side, away from the metal door, and leap into the air. You twist around in the air, sending a front flip at the door. Your feet meet the door with a solid "THUD!", and you send out a flurry of punches through the air. Pressing your hands against the door, you push yourself up. The door flies open, and you leap off to the side, rolling behind a nearby rock.
Your heart is beating fast, your mouth is dry. You wait for the vampires to appear, but nothing happens. David materializes from behind the barrier, smiling at you. He tosses your sword to you, standing defiantly in front of the door.
"You'll have to do," He sighs, "Thanks to your friends, my barrier stays up. Here."
David tosses you a wooden stake, and you catch it. You hold it tightly in your hands, your mind flashing back to when the Vampire had bitten you.
"Remember this?"
You shake your head, "No."
"You should."
> You say "Records will show definitively that I have no memory of being bitten by any vampire, prior to the image that just appeared in my imagination."
David shakes his head, "No, no, no."
"Well then, how do you explain it?"
David shrugs, "Magic, dreams, probability, reality... I don't know. I just know it exists."
"What could've caused this?"
David laughs, bitterly, "Anything, I suppose. War? Plague? Who knows? Certainly not me. I'm just a lowly sorcerer who ended up on the wrong side of the childbirth war."
You nod,
> You say "Though, what side would you say was the wrong side, cause it might matter."
David raises an eyebrow, "I'm not sure I follow."
"Well, you just said something about a childbirth war. If you were on the wrong side, wouldn't you want to end human kind?"
David laughs, shaking his head, "Unthinkable! I was merely speaking in metaphor! Metaphor!"
"Erm, yes. Right."
> You say "I try to avoid hyperbole when it's possible."
David nods, "Of course. Avoid hyperbole."
You rub your hands through your hair, sighing,
> You say "This is some thicc air!"
David stares at you, "What?"
"I was just thinking about how nice the air feels here. I guess it's some sort of magic."
David nods, then looks at his wristwatch, "I have to go. Another Vampire just landed, and he's due some fun."
You look at David, "You're not a vampire!"
David laughs, then snarls. The sound frightens you, as you take a step back. He nods, "Yes, I am."
"No, you're not!"
David walks towards you, his eyes full of an emotion you're not familiar with. His eyes make him seem... Hungry.
"I need to turn you into a Vampire."
You take another step back, "What? No! I won't become a Vampire! My dad's a Vampire! You can't just Turn me into a Vampire too!"
David runs a hand through his hair, "Look, I understand your hesitation. Your dad is one of the 'good' Vampires. Drinking the blood of evil humans makes him more powerful, not less. If anything, you'd become more powerful."
> You say "I cannot possibly become more powerful than I am, Davit, and I cannot allow you to make me a vampire."
David nods, "Of course. You're right. You would not be able to handle it."
David raises his hands up defensively, then shrugs, and blows you a kiss.
> You catch the kiss with your hand, crumple it, and toss it.
David shakes his head, "No."
You drop to one knee, and bow your head. "Please, sir, I'm sorry for my insubordination. I beg you, make me a Vampire."
> You spring up and drive the wooden steak into David's heart as he gets close.
David jumps back with a start, clutching his chest. He staggers back towards you, his eyes filling with blood. You drive the wooden stake through his heart, and he collapses forward.
> You say "Suck on that, Nosferatu!"
David grabs at you, and you strike him again, this time through the skull. His body twitches violently, and then stills.
You look around, immediately being accosted by several villagers.
> You say "He was a vampire!. I slew him! It does not get more simple than that!"
A voice behind you says, "Perhaps, child, but what are you?"
You turn your head, and find yourself staring into the face of a tall, pale man.
> You say "I'm the new messiah, as far as you're concerned."
The Vampire laughs,
> You say "And it's time for revelations!"
The Vampire raises his finger, "Hang on, I'm not finished laughing at your revelation."
You grit your teeth, "Finish laughing then."
"Finish laughing while you fry!" you proclaim, as orange lightning quickly strikes the tall pale vampire twice, turning his insides to charcoal. The Vampire falls backwards, and smolders as he burns.
Mihrab snarls, "I'm not a Vampire. I'm a Ghoul."
You shrug,
> You say "What's the difference, really?"
Mihrab snarls, "The difference is clear for you to see. I am a servant of the Lord of the West, unlike those wretched Vampire!"
> You say "Well I'm Crazy Foo, and your insides were turned to charcoal no matter who you are. I mean I'm Crazy Foo, and those who annoy me tend to be struck by orange lightning."
Mihrab stares at you blankly,
"That's funny. I'm not annoyed right now."
You shrug, "Crazy..."
Mihrab interrupts, "Listen, do you know much about the Vampire?"
You ponder your immediate threat, "Err, not much. They live longer than humans, drink blood, and annoy me."
Mihrab shakes his head, "It's not all that simple. It's a long story."
You nod, "OK."
Mihrab stares into the darkness for a time, "Several centuries ago, the Vampire clans rose up in an uprising that changed the world. They saw that their kind, the once slaves of humanity, were now both persecuted and little better than animals. They saw how mankind treated the lesser creatures in Hell better than they treated their fellow man. The Vampire clans rebelled, and nearly took the world with them.
"With the fall of mankind, it would have been strange had they not prospered. They had no master to serve now, and so they served themselves. War between clans was inevitable, and as always, it was the human mutants that found themselves caught in the middle.
"Their strength, speed and abilities were far surpassed by both mutants and the other monsters. Humans are resourceful and many managed to stay alive in this new world order. They saw the Vampire clans as the main threat to their existence, as well as their own power, and set out to destroy them.
"The Vampire clans were no doubt surprised that these mere humans could harm them, and fought back with everything they had. For the first time, the Vampire found themselves on the losing end, and the clans that fled this continent have never returned.
"What was left of the clans fought a hopeless battle here, and the rest fled to Europe where they were hunted down by the Quillars and other monsters. So the Vampire clans are no more. But it wasn't just the clans that were destroyed, many of the noble families that allied with them suffered as well. Their power had been decimated. Those of noble birth had no choice but to become peasants, while the rest of them had to do battle in this harsh new world.
"Still, not all of them gave up. Some managed to maintain their standing in society. They worked around the system, dealing with the new authorities in exchange for keeps of their dignity. They live in walled communities, with their own servants and guards. They still have their privilege, and they keep themselves safe while the rest of us struggle to survive."
You nod, "I know the type. They're the type that treat real pain from the torture chambers as a mild annoyance compared to the trials and tribulations of normal life. They're cowards that live safe in the mind palace they've built for themselves, never struggling for their lives, living on the advantage of the weak."
Mihrab stares at you blankly, "You seem to know a lot about them."
You shrug, "I ran into one of their assassins while I was exploring the catacombs under my town. He informed me that they could live forever and explained the scenario of a new world order. I think it has a pretty good description of what happened here."
Mihrab nods, "I'm glad you came when you did. We were just talking about this very situation."
You raise an eyebrow, "And you let them talk you into it?"
Mihrab shakes his head, "No, but the appeal was stronger than I thought."
"They're vampires. Do you feel any pity for them?"
Mihrab's face twists into a sneer, "Some. But not enough."
You nod, "Then it's all right. We'll help you wipe them out."
"Thanks, I shall pass the message on to them. My real name is Mihrab...feel free to call me that."
You extend a hand, "Nice to meet you, Mihrab. I'm Crazy foo."
He shakes your hand, shaking his head in amusement, "I don't think I'll be able to call you that."
You shrug, "It's a name. Use it as you will."
Mihrab stretches up on his toes to kiss your cheek, "Thank you, sister. You are too kind. I best be off, I have played my role well and still more subterfuge awaits. I trust you can take care of the rest?"
You nod, "Of course."
He grins, "Good, I'll be back soon. You stay here and guard the gate! Those plague vampires can't get in, you know. They'd die of all the toxins they'd inject into themselves just getting here. They'd also be burned on contact with the holy water."
Mihrab laughs as he makes his way to the door, "Then they're just like every other vampire asshole! So long as there are still good people left, the vampires can't take over!Bye now! And thank you again, sister! One of these days I'll truly thank you properly! Until then! May God keep you, and your soul stay pure!," Mihrab shouts with a wink as he heads out the door.
> You say "All that reminds me, it's been a looong time since I've had sex, are you villagers human?"
Villagers guffaw as they start chanting, "You want some of what Mihrab's got!"
Mihrab blushes, "I sure don't!" raising his hands, he shooes them away and makes a hasty retreat.
> You say "Go on your way Mihrab, I don't do ghoul dick, tried it once, never again."
Mihrab smiles, "I can see why, it's disgusting."
You look over at the villagers, who seem to have their attention on you.
> You say "How would all of you villagers like to have a forest orgy with me?"
Villagers bare their rotten teeth in excitement, "Orgy? In the forest? You must be joking! We'd get eaten alive!"
You shake your head, "Not a chance, I'm a trained warrior with years of experience, I'd take on several of them."
Villagers groan, "Those warriors are all wet and died of plague."
"Actually, they're all still alive and well, though possibly not for long if I have anything to say about it."
"Fine, but how do we know you're telling the truth?"
"Because if I'm not, I'll be looking forward to a feast after I've killed every last one of you."
"Well it sure is convenient that you know how to Tropical Storm II."
> You say "Very."
"C'mon let's go into the mine."
You nod, shoving your hands into your pockets and quickly walk, following after the beast. It seems to know where it's going, even in the dark. It leads you through several tunnels before coming to one that you've never seen before, carved out of solid stone, obviously a man made structure.
The vampire seems to stare at you for a moment as if it's trying to read your mind, but there's no way it's doing that, it's simply being creepy as fuck.
You look away, not wanting to play this game. The vampire finally seems to get the hint and leads you inside, where you find yourself in a massive underground lair. You're standing on a stone floor large enough to hold an army afield and surrounded by higher than average ceiling than the rest of the mine, giving it a great space to fly around in.
"Behold, my home." The vampire says with a nod.
You look around and find more vampires milling about the place than you ever thought existed.
> You say "Last thing i remember I was trying to talk a bunch of stinking peasants into a forest orgy, how did I wind up here?"
The Vampire smirks, "The peasants are irrelevant, and you know it. Their suffering is nothing compared to the blood gods."
"What do you mean?"
"I'll explain it to you while I hunt."
> You say "Well I just can't imagine the blood gods are very fun candidates for an orgy..."
You nod, grinning.
"Come on then, let's go hunt."
"You sure you're ready for this?" the Vampire asks,
> You say "There's just one thing you're not calculating."
"What's that?"
"How the fuck are we going to stop them from attacking us if we try to destroy the plague?"
The Vampire stares at you for a moment, then laughs.
"You're an idiot. You want to help us?"
"Of course."
"Then you need to work out a way for me to transplant the plague into the main Vamp-Lord's lair."
"That's... really fucking difficult."
"Yes, it is, but not impossible. That's what you're here for."
> You say "If it was impossible that would be no problem, I do impossible things for breakfast, but difficult things are such a hassle."
"Ah, but this is something that's required, not something that can be simply willed into happening. If you want to help us, you're going to have to think up a way of doing this."
> You say "Most of my greatest accomplishments were simply willed into happening, remember the giant trees, and the animals and dinosaurs? That was all me, every bit of it impossible, but not at all difficult."
The Vampire seems to think about this for a moment, then nods slowly.
"Alright. So what's the plan?"
You hold up what appears to be a large green glass marble with magnetic caps on both sides. "This is a sample of the plague that I found while raiding the syndicate's compound."
"Good, good. So what're you going to do?"
> You say "Well what's the fastest way, other than teleporting, to get to the main vamp's lair from here."
The Vampire thinks for a moment, scratching his head.
"How about by airship? It's a long way, but we could probably get there in like a week, if we push our horses really hard."
Jesus fucking Christ.
> You say "What to horses have to do with an airship?"
The Vampire snorts, clearly amused by your question.
> You say "I mean it, I've seen a lot of airships, in my time, and a lo of horse-drawn conveyances, bu never a meeting of the two concepts."
The Vampire considers this, scratching his chin.
"Hmmm... How long can we keep them?"
"Until they drop from exhaustion, I believe."
"And how much power will that take?"
"It varies greatly depending on the horse, and the weight they're carrying. However, a good average is probably between four and five days of active riding."
The Vampire nods.
> You say "This really sounds like it has nothing to do with an airship, and is just horses..."
The Vampire shakes his head, clearly disappointed in you.
> You say "I rode on a Star Wars Hammership, just... fairly recently, so, you really can't hold it against me being a little confused by what you're talking about."
"Alright, alright, fine." He mutters, clearly irritated by your innocent ignorance on the subject.
The Vampire pauses for a moment, before smiling.
"How would you like to be a Vampire?"
Odd question to ask, but you can't help but be intrigued by the offer.
> You say "Have you heard what happened to the last guy that offered to make me a vampire?"
The Vampire smirks.
"I have. And I see no reason to believe that the same thing won't happen to me."
Without another word, he leans forward, his fangs brushing against your neck.
You immediately inject him with your syringe of distilled wine. "Wine... There's a reason Dracula never drank it." you intone with a sneer.
The Vampire hisses as the mixture enters his mouth. He falls backwards, coughing as he does so.
"What the...?" he sputters.
This particular wine came from Italy where water from a sacred mountain stream, blessed by an ancient order of monks, was used to water grapes blessed by a benedictine friar, and then stomped by baptized and pure vestal virgins, who never knew a man's course touch, then the wine was blessed by an arch-bishop while it aged in the drum, and again blessed by the pope as it aged in the bottle, you've blessed it too as it sat in the syringe, for all that that counts.
You push him up, jamming the needle of the wine into his neck.
"Drink!"
The Vampire heaves as he gulps down the liquid. Hissing, he wipes his mouth.
"I'm not thirsty." He says, clearly annoyed by the fact that you forced the wine down his throat.
"Don't be stupid, drink!"
Thirsty yet?"
The Vampire stares at you angrily.
"You will regret this." He says darkly, licking his lips.
"Maybe. Maybe not. I regret a lot of things.
The Vampire finds the pallor departing from his skin in favor of a peachy hue, his fangs and nails recede to more socially acceptable lengths, the redness clears from his eyes.
"How does it feel to be human?" you say with a wry smirk.
"It... Feels weird. I can feel everything, you know? It's been so long, I forgot what it felt like to be human. I can laugh, I can cry..."
> You say "That's why I carry a portable Alembic."
He looks at you, confused.
"What's an... Alembic?"
> You say "it's a tabletop distilling device consisting of a boiler, heat exchanger, and receiving flask. How do people keep not knowing this?"
The Vampire shakes his head in confusion.
"I'll... Let me guess: you're human?"
You look him over.
> You say "Yes, and thanks to my distilled quadruple-blessed wine, so are you."
He chuckles.
"You are a strange one, friend. But then, so am I."
He smiles at you with a set of now-blunted fangs, since he has become a human.
"Tell me, are all of the Creations like you, or are there still a few among the Wolves?"
You shrug.
> You say "I have no clue what you just asked me."
He shakes his head in confusion.
"No, I mean, are there many more of you out there?"
You raise an eyebrow.
"Other... Creations?"
He nods.
> You say "I am the one called Crazy Foo, Right out the hatch I was too cool for school, and don'tcha try to stop me, because I rule!"
He laughs, and his shoulders begin to shake.
"So... Tell me, are there many Creations out there?"
You think for a moment.
> You say "The wonderful thing about Crazy Foo, is Foos be crazy, but you ain't don't yet to meet the Foo as crazy as me."
He looks confused for a moment, before shrugging.
"Sure. Whatever you say, Crazy Human."
He pats your hand in what you hope is a sign of peace.
> You say "I hope that's a sign of peace."
He laughs, before shrugging.
"Sure. As long as you don't make a move on me that is."
You smirk.
> You say "Like you'd be able to stop me if I did."
He laughs, a bit nervously.
"Well sure, why not? But I don't want to be dinner, if that's what you're asking."
You nod.
> You say "So, where is this airship?"
"It's a big ship. Do you think you could handle it?"
You nod eagerly.
"I think so!"
He grins.
"Well, I guess you'll have to find out!"
He pulls a lever on the wall, which opens the large metal door.
"This door leads right on board. Good luck, Crazy Human!"
> You board airship.
You walk up the airship, looking at the rows and rows of sharp, deadly-looking weapons. There's no mistaking what they are: they're vampires' arms, meant to kill. You shudder in fear; if you had to fight alongside them, I'd say you could only hold out for two minutes.
Up ahead, you see the captain of the Airship walk forward, towards you.
> You address captain with due respect.
You quickly hop up, pulling your knife and waving it in the air.
"Whoa, whoa! Hold on there, Wolf," the captain says.
> You say "Just showing you the respect you're owed."
He sighs, rolling his eyes.
"Fine. But you've probably shortened your life span for this by doing that."
He sticks out his hand, and you grab it, and shake firmly.
> You say "The naked blade is how we humans solute."
He sighs, shaking his head. "You humans never change."
He drops you hand and nods towards the railing. "Then let's get going. The plague has already spread to several cities, and we aim to stop it before it spreads further."
You nod, and hop up on the railing.
> You say "I'm confused exactly what your angle is Cap'n, Why are you vampires interested in stopping a plague alleged to weaken humans and mutants?"
The captain sighs, and runs a hand through his thick black hair.
"Well, the magic plague that has been spreadin' through out the city is also spreadin' through out the vampire populace. We aim to nip this in the bud before it kills us all off."
> You say "And you believe Putting this little sample I got in the lair of the top vamp lord is gonna stop it being spread elsewhere, 'Cause I was told defeating the syndicate would stop the plague, yet here we are on our way to release yet another bauble of the stuff, at one of the few locations it has yet to touch."
"Oh, quite Literally, It'll be released right into his lair, as a message to him. If he's responsible, he'll be nipping up therr about now."
He grins.
> You say "Will that end the distribution of the plague though?"
He laughs. "Distribution? Oh no, this little bugger can spread by direct blood contact, or a simple object that has been in contact with infected blood, like, say, a syringe."
"It all starts with these though." You say, holding up the little green ampule. "Will infecting the vamp boss put an end to these being thrown around?"
"Well, we can hope, but I doubt it. Once these start being used like party favors, they're pretty much gone."
"How long until that happens?"
"A few years, maybe. These things have a habit of taking over a decade to become truly popular."
He laughs. "It's a good thing I picked you up, then."
You smirk.
"Why?"
"Because you're an idiot," he spits, laughing. "You humans are funny. You'd rather die than inconvenience, but you're willing to sacrifice me?"
"You're a vampire. I thought you were on the team."
"I AM on the team. I'm just more valuable alive, because I can remember stuff." He sighs. "The plague is airborne, so it doesn't take long for it to spread, provided that the dead bodies of infected aren't picked up and buried, or the dead bodies of infected aren't burned. To stop it from being spread by dead bodies, we need to eliminate the dead bodies. To do that, we need to kill all the vampires. So yeah, I'm more important than you. Now stop arguing and start running."
You nod. "I understand."
You leap up, grabbing onto the railing of the airship. You've seen people do this before when getting on and off the ship, but usually from a much shorter distance, and with much more grace.
Regardless of your lack of grace, instinct takes over, leathery wings sprout from your back, three sets of eyes and teeth form on your torso, presumably with accompanying skull plates and jaw bones, but you'd rather not give any thought to those, because you don't want to have to consider what the brains inside those three extra skulls might be thinking, and where those thoughts go, when you become human again. You jump as the griffins beneath you catch your scent, and take initiative. They bolt forward, and you pull yourself up onto the ship with your hands. As your feet hit the deck, you find yourself in a crouching position, ready to pounce and slay your enemies.
The airship's deck is relatively clear, though there are a few corpses lying around, as well as a few spots of blood. You see the captain, lying on the ground, being assaulted by a vampire. The monster rips out the captain's throat, before turning to face you. It's a girl, barely older than you, her pearly white fangs as large as your arm. She smiles, filled with hunger and eagerness to spill your blood. You welcome the opportunity.
She leaps at you, and you let her pounce pass you. You leap at her, and sink your teeth into her shoulder.
You rip out a chunk of her rubbery flesh, and swallow it. The three faces on your torso bite vestigially at her back. She screeches, and you spit out the blood that's filling your mouth.
> You say "The flesh is exquisite, but the blood is spoiled."
You spin, spitting blood and clumsily dodging another of her claws as it scratches at your side.
"I'm not some weak little girl to be taken down by a bloody nose." She hisses, batting you aside with one claw and leaping back to pull a serrated dagger from her side.
You laugh. "Do you think I care?"
She lunges at you once more, but you're ready for her this time. You grab her wrist, twisting it until she drops the dagger, then slamming it against the ship's railing. It breaks, and she falls back with a yelp.
You grab her by the scruff, flinging her into the air. She lets out a howl, grabbing your shoulder with her other hand as she kicks and scratches at you. You raise both of your hands, and wrap them around her head.
> You say "Have you ever seen Friday The 13th 3D?"
"Have you?" you reply, tossing her in the air.
She looks at you in confusion, before she's thrown up, and her head smashed against the railing. She collapses to the ground, dead.
> You say "For a moment I wasn't sure that would work, Maybe I should fight in gargoyle form more often..."
"Looks like we failed. The Vampire killed the crew and took control of the airship. I suppose we had a fight on our hands." Eldolith says.
"Indeed. The Vampire also killed our crew and took control of the airship." You reply.
"So what now? Do we go back to the village and tell them?"
"Of course not. We blow up the ship."
You leap forward, grabbing the cannon you saw earlier off the ground. You heft it experimentally, before walking forward until you're right above the Vampire. You aim your weapon, grabbing the trigger and pulling it. A loud bang rings out, and a ball of fire flies forward and into the hull of the airship, destroying it and killing the Vampire inside.
Eldolith claps loudly. "Yes! Good job!"
You drop the cannon, and check on the others. They're all dead, and you've failed again.
You sigh, and turn to Eldolith. "What now?" You ask.
"We leave, of course! You've already done enough."
"Where?"
"Anywhere. I'll find you."
> You diminish, go into the west, and remain gargoyle.
You drop down, slamming into the ground with a thud.
"We can leave together."
"I don't want to leave you, I want to be near you!" She says, clutching at your body.
The three imp faces on your torso gin yet more broadly.
"We'll stay together, then." You say.
You hug her, before she leaps away.
You turn, leaping into the trees westward. You fly through the trees, moving with ease towards the Count's castle.
The Vampire Village is a scene of desolation. The houses are burned out, the fields lie in ruin.
You land in the town square, the homes of the Vampire's village. The Vampire's King is dead. His Royal Guards lay dead next to him, their bodies torn apart by the blast of airship gun. You spot the Vampire responsible for killing them. He lies on the ground, severely wounded. Beside him stands an equally injured Gargoyle. It's the Gargoyle who walks up to you.
"You're the one who killed my master!" It screams in your face, it's voice booming.
"Your master is the one who killed yours!" You respond, pushing it away and landing on the ground.
It howls in rage, charging at you. You easily catch it with a tackle, snapping it's neck in your grasp.
"Fuck! Bastard!" The Gargoyle screams.
"He was my friend!" The vampire cries, holding it's face.
"The plague doesn't spread from vamp to vamp, it spreads from ghoul to human." You say.
"What do we do?" The vampire asks.
"I'll kill the infected."
"And what about the Ghoul King?"
"I'll kill him when we're done here."
You turn, walking towards the village hall. You hear screams coming from inside. The front door is barricaded, so you quickly move forward to the second one at the side. You effortlessly kick open the door, looking inside.
Darkness. You move forward, feeling along the wall for a switch. As your fingers find one, the screams from inside become louder. You flick the switch, and light floods into the room. You look around the room, at the dozen or so vampires tied to chairs and tables, their throats ripped out and decorum tracheotomies performed on them.
You turn your head, hearing something. You turn, following the noise. Down the hall, to the right, is the computer room. The only place left to look.
You continue following the screams, until you find the source of the screams. You stop, looking on in horror as a young girl lies on the floor, a large group of vampires standing over her. Her mother watches from the corner of the room, head in hands. She looks up at you as you enter, terror and relief filling her eyes. The vampires immediately turn towards you.
"Bastard!"
You charge forward, attacking with a rage. You swing your sword in an arc, cutting the throat of one. While they're humanoid, this doesn't prevent them from being destroyed. Their blood flies through the air, spattering you and the wall. You sweep your sword, cutting the legs from beneath another, as it screams. One spins and leaps out of your way, dashing towards the door. You cut down another, before you're brought by two powerful hands to your feet and turned around.
The Vampire King stands there, his fangs as long as your arm. His face is contorted by rage and hate, his eyes terrifying. You know that if you were in your prime, you'd barely have time to react.
"WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?!"
He lets out a roar, grabbing you by the throat and throwing you against the wall. You hold up your sword, but he takes this as a sign of weakness, and grabs it with one hand.
> You say "Flame Spires!"
With one word, you subvert the Vampire's supernatural strength to weaponize it. Flames spurt from his hands and wrap around your sword, causing him to drop it in shock. He makes no attempt to stop the flames, which sear his flesh and char it. The smell of burning flesh fills the room.
> You say "Triple Nightmare Shocker!"
With a roar of anger, you charge forward. The Vampire King attempts to stop you, but his skin catches fire and his reflexes slow from the flames. You smash into him and send him crashing to the ground.
> You say "This is your nightmare, Vampire King, Your greatest fear is that a mere human could amass so much individual power, as to be your superior, but it's all real, so even inf you could wake up, you'd still be living your nightmare!"
Suddenly, your eyes flicker open and you find yourself standing above a dying Vampire, who is desperately trying to stop you from burning him. He then looks up to see the real threat, you.
> You say "Pay attention, Because I'm about to give you the lesson in pain of a millennia!"
You stomp down your foot and crush his neck. As he coughs up blood, you smile. Soon, you find yourself in the sewers, just outside of Elizabeth's home. You suddenly stop, looking around.
"I'm here." You whisper to yourself.
You begin to walk, heading towards the house. Suddenly, you see two figures standing at the end of a tunnel. You quickly hide, watching them. The tunnel leads straight towards them.
A Vampire stands there, holding a large sword, while a Vampiress with long black hair and a red dress stands next to her, holding a large curved knife. Both have smiles on their faces, as they step forward and begin to dance.
"Why stop now?" the Vampire smiles."
"You're here because you're a monster." Her reply."
"Ah, but my darling, so are you."
The Vampire begins to chant, as his sword glows. The Vampiress raises her weapons, smiling.
"Time to die, monster."
You leap out, grabbing the Vampire. You break her neck with one hand, before grabbing the Vampiress and twisting her neck, killing her instantly.
"I'm here because I'm a hero!" you whisper under your breath.
You smile, as they begin to merge with you. You begin to glow, as the Vampires stand in front of you.
"Why do you care?" one asks."
"I'm here to stop the Vampire invasion." You reply."
"There's no invasion."
"I saw it, I was there!"
"There's no invasion, or you're just making it up."
You pause, realizing they don't believe you.
"Alright, I made it up. But I'm here to stop it!"
"Whatever sugar." The Vampire replies, as you walk past him.
You walk through the tunnel, and outside into the moonlight. You walk up to the Vampires, and grab them, throwing them into the pit. They scream, as you drop the bomb off at the edge of the pit.
Then, you do something you've wanted to do for a long time. You dance. You dance around the bomb, which is set to go off in exactly three minutes, and begin to have the best time. You dance for your friends, for your family, for humanity.
Time passes, and soon, you come across a giant wall of dirt. You smash through it, to find a massive army of infected. You raise your sword, and move forward. Then, the bomb goes off.
You are suddenly thrown back by the force of the explosion, and you fly through the air. You smash into a rock, and seeing double, you try to get up. You're blinded by dust and blood, but soon it passes. You stand slowly, to find that the cloud has passed.
Before you, is the ruins of Glasgow. The buildings have collapsed, and the roads are covered with debris and entrails of the dead.
You walk forward through the city, as it began to dawn on you what happened. The entire city has been infected. It took you a while to get here, and the infection has taken hold.
> You say "How did Glasgow Kentucky end up like this?"
You walk down the street, passing the dead. None of them are moving, but you know they're all infected. You reach a large building, and quickly climb up the fire escape. You reach the roof, and you stare out at the city. You know what you have to do.
You turn, and begin running along the rooftops. You leap from rooftop to rooftop, quickly reaching your escape. You pass three more buildings, before you finally get above ground. You sprint away from the city, as the infected begin to prowl and hunger stirs. You know the vampires will arrive soon. You need to leave, and fast.
Suddenly, you hear a low rumbling sound. You look behind you, to see a group of motorcycles driving towards you. You immediately hide amongst the rooftops as they get close, and you see dozens of undead creatures wandering around the area. They must have finally caught up with you.
You hear a powerful, yet strangely broken voice yell out,"Stop! ID!"
You keep running. The vampires have found you. Now what will you do?
> You will probably try to blow up their bikes with orange lightning, or something like that.
You sit on the roof, waiting patiently. As the bikers approach, you wave your hands quickly and orange flames lance from your fingers, engulfing one of the bikes and burning it to a crisp. The other bikers swerve away, some falling off their bikes as they go. You wave your hands again, and the flames go out.
"Holy shit!" one of them screams.
> You say "Did you think you were dealing with any ordinary female Human warrior?"
You hold up your hands.
"I don't want to kill you, I want to talk to you."
"Fuck you're fucking breaking up!" the biker screams.
You put your phone away. In a few moments, they're gone. You sigh and get up, making your way down to the street. You walk along, heading towards your destination. Suddenly, you hear screeching tires. You turn your head to see a car speeding straight at you. You raise your hands, waiting for the impact.
Suddenly, the car crashes into something. The car bursts into flames, and you watch in amazement as the car speeds straight through the air, going airborne for a moment, before crashing back to the road with a huge explosion. You look around, but nothing is left but burning metal and broken glass. You're not quite sure what just happened, but you head off in a different direction.
Suddenly, you feel something hitting you from the back. You fall to the ground as you feel a blade hit your throat. Grabbing the blade, you turn around and throw the Vampire off of you. He's not quite as fast as she is, and you easily pull the dagger from his throat before he can get another hit at you.
"Wait!" he screams. "We're not monsters! We're the last of the Clean!"
You look at him in confusion. He begins to ramble on about how the world has gone to shit and that he and the others are trying to find a cure, but they need your help. he cries.
You aim your gun at his head again and pull the trigger.
"I'm starting to get sick of these damn guns!" you complain to the Vampire, missing his head by an inch.
> You say "The witch Hazel found the cure years go, but I haven't seen her or the other toons this entire chapter."
"There's a witch in Stanton!?!? Give me one reason why I shouldn't bite you!" the Vampire growls.
"Because if you do, I'll be fucking dead." he shouts.
You press the gun to his head again, silencing him for good.
"You sure took the long way around, didn't you?"
"Longer than killing you would have been worth." he says, and turns into a black smoke that dissipates suddenly.
You sigh and get up, walking onwards. You find Hazel, who is lying in the middle of the road, right in front of the shopping center.
"Hazel! Hazel! Are you alright?" you say, dropping to your knees.
"C-captured.....stag...hanged of...drug...ing..." Hazel slurs, as you take her shoulders and look into her eyes.
You hear the distant sound of an explosion and look up in time to see a flaming mass of material fall from the sky. It slams into the building, which begins to burn fiercely.
You hear the sounds of motorcycles drawing nearer, and you immediately wonder what you can do to save her.
You have two choices:
A. You can drag her into the basement of the abandoned drug store a few blocks away and try to heal her in the infirmary there.
B. You can try to rush to the drug store and throw a firebomb into the basement before the bikers arrive.
> You a.
You drag Hazel along the road, toward your helicopter. Her eyes are open, but she is clearly delirious. You check your watch, and realize that you have about six minutes before the Vampire raids begin. You should probably get her to the helicopter.
You ignore her pleas for help, and head to the helicopter. You drag her through the street, which are now filled with vampire hunters, as gunshots ring out. You carry her through the streets, ignoring the pain of her burning weight.
You reach the helicopter, and quickly load her into the helicopter. You turn to shut the door, and that's when you see the vampire hunters swarming out of the building, firing at you.
They have semi-automatic weapons, and they begin firing upon you immediately.
> You say "I'm a human, you damned idiots!"
You mutter angrily as the bullets thud into your body. It breaks your concentration, and you find yourself flung against the wall of the helicopter, harshly. It appears that they didn't like your claim of being human.
You're going to die here. Not in battle, not by a hero's death, not even by a Hunter's bullet. You're just going to die here.
You feel your jaw crack from the force of the bullet, and you whimper pitifully as you hold your face in your hands.
"I'm so sorry, baby," you whisper to yourself.
You hear a loud whirring sound, and an explosion shakes the ground. This explosion is so great it causes your ears to ring and your vision to momentarily go black.
You look up in time to watch the drug store explode, sending a wave of fire and smoke into the streets. The fire engulfs the building, which is now reduced to rubble in a matter of seconds.
You watch as the smoke clears, and find yourself staring at a burning pile of rubble. The street is now empty. The hunters are long gone.
You look down at Hazel, and find her still unconscious. Your eyes grow as wide as dinner plates.
You begin to shake her, "Wake up! Please, wake up!"
She's not going to wake up for a while.
By the time she wakes up, it will be to a hell of vampirism she never suspected, and you won't have time to warn her.
You'll be lucky if you live to see it.
You're going to die here.
You sigh, and tell her how much you love her.
As your conciousnes fades away and you're sure that this will be the last time you close your eyes, you behold a sight that you never expected would grace your vision again, Eldolith, in all her curvy perfection, the last thing you hear before your awareness fades to black and resounding silence is her voice saying, "You're not dying here, Crazy Foo."
The next thing you hear steadily creeps into your awareness, as of many insects gathering about you, but they're not insects, the sounds are too rhythmic, precise, and mechanical, The blips and whirs of medical equipment, monitoring your heart rate, brain waves, and other vital functions. the steady drip of your intravenous hydration bag is the one hint of the natural world that intercedes in this chorus of artificial preservation.
"She's alive, then?" The voice is flat and monotonously bored, "I calculated the odds of her survival at about ten to one."
The voice doesn't sound like a he, you're almost certain of that.
"Well, get on with it."
The familiar robotic voice that has plagued you since your transference here.
> You say "It's a mistake underestimating me, the odds of my survival are always 100%"
The room is silent, but you hear the faintest hint of a snort of laughter.
"I'm not underestimating you," The voice starts again,
> You say "I'm Crazy Foo, and there's not an hombre on this planet that can send me to Boot Hill."
"You're a damn fool, because you don't know shit about me." You snap angrily, waking up from your delusions.
The voice is silent for a moment, as you hear a ticking noise approaching you.
"This is a very, very bad idea."
You hear the shuffling of leather boots as the figure makes his approach towards you.
"I'm not a damn fool." You state calmly, as he looms over you, blocking out the light completely.
The moon is out, but there is hardly a sliver to be seen behind the this creature's blackened and withered mask. His black cloak is moth eaten, thin, and transparent. The cloak hangs from a bony frame, and his eyes are like flames. As he stares at you, you see the hunger in his eyes. He looks hungry, desperately so, akin to a junkie coming off a fix.
"Then you're a very brave fool." He whispers, leaning in. "Tell me, do you like the cloak?"
A long, forked tongue snakes out from between his lips as he smiles, revealing a fanged mouth.
> You say "Is that supposed to scare me? Do you have any Idea who I am?!"
The Vampire's smile widens as he leans towards you, "I know all about you." He whispers, his breath like a freezing gust of wind.
You lean back, "If you know all about me, then you know I don't scare."
He chuckles, "You're bold for a man who knows he is prey."
> You say "I'm a mad violent woman warrior, who kills Vampires for breakfast, and you know what, I've had a long fast."
His laugh is like the shrieking of a mortally stricken girl, "You think you're funny?" He asks in a hissing whisper.
You smile under your hood, "I think you need a straight answer."
You see his hands curl into fists, before you feel his head brush past you as he leaps towards the doorway.
"I couldn't care less." You snarl.
You catch up with him, despite your shaky balance leaning on the IV pole. He stands, leaning against the opposite wall, staring at you.
> You say "If I had a butcher's knife right now this would be perfect, but I guess I'll have to settle for... This bone-saw!"
You lash out, grabbing the bone saw and smashing it into his forearm. You hear a cracking sound as the bone gives way.
You snarl as you grab his uninjured arm, flinging him against the wall.
> You say "For some people talk is cheap, but saying words makes me even stronger."
You press the saw against his throat as you snarl. His eyes glow red, before they narrow and he stares at you.
> You cut through his throat until you feel bone, then keep cutting.
You snarl as you saw through bone, gristle and muscle. You wince as the blade bites into his spinal column but keep sawing. His eyes widen as you saw through his neck but there's still no noise other than the occasional confusing mumbled oath.
His neck snaps forward causing you to stumble back. You watch as his head falls to one side then forward again as his body tries to catch up. You're hit by the scent of frying blood and flesh.
You snarl, stumbling forward and pouncing. You grab his head with one hand and saw through his chest, abdomen and guts with wild sawing motions. You fling his bleeding remains at the wall as you snarl, spitting out bits of partially chewed bone.
You wince as a heavy hand lands on your shoulder.
"You alright son?" The doctor asks, staring at you.
"Yeah... Yeah!" You snarl, turning and nodding.
"OK, so what's your name and serial number?"
You stare at him, shaking your head.
> You say "I'm Crazy Foo, a female Human warrior. I"
"Then..." Doctor Graves says, trailing off and looking around nervously. "Then what are you?"
"Well..." You trail off, not knowing how to describe yourself.
> You say "I'm nobody's number, I'm a free woman!"
"I'm nobody's..." You trail off, not knowing how to describe yourself.
"What?! What are you!"
you look down at your muscular green and utterly ill-conceived body, the six blank red eyes look back up at you innocently, the three toothy grins gape jovially, the three long twisted tongues hang out lackadaisically, your long leathery wings streatch out behind you. You forgot you're still in gargoyle form.
"I'm Crazy Foo, a female Human warrior. I'm nobody's number, I'm a free woman!" You snarl, flaring your wings and swaggering forward.
"At least you're free..." He replies, staring at you.
You stare at him, wondering what he means.
"What?" You ask nervously.
He stares back at you, his eyes widening.
"Relax, I'm not going to bite you." He says nervously, "I'd only bite back, you know."
You tilt your head and stare at him, wondering what he means.
"Don't worry about these guys," you say pointing yo the imp faces on your breasts and crotch, "They only bite playfully."
He stares at you, his eyes widening. You can tell he thinks you're joking but your eyes don't betray you, as always.
"I'm not joking."
"Well, if you're not joking..." He replies, trailing off and looking around nervously. "I'll have to kill you then won't I?"
"Sure."
He takes a deep breath and reaches for his sword.
"Do I really have to?" You ask.
"Afraid so."
You take a deep breath and wait. He swings his sword and you leap aside. You watch his blade whistle past you as you quickly move forward and spin behind him. You twist his arm and he cries out as you pull it behind his back. With his other hand he takes a dagger from his belt and stabs it into the wooden floor.
> You say "Not so fast, round boy, we're gonna have some laughs."
You laugh as he tries to pull his arm free but you simply let it dangle uselessly behind him. The knife slips out of it and falls to the ground with a clatter.
> You say "Have you hear the legend of Deez?"
"No." Doctor Graves says, frowning.
"Deez imp-faced gargoyle titties, of course!" you proclaim, turning Dr. Graves around and letting the imp faces on your breasts playfully bite his nipples. "See? I told you I wasn't joking."
"That's terrible!" He cries, twisting around and grabbing your head in his hands, "You're a terrible person!"
He tosses you aside and you hit the stone floor with a thud. You groan and shake your head as you lazily get to your feet.
"I'm no monster." You say, "I had to do what I had to do to survive."
"I'd say..." He says, slowly walking towards you.
You back up, thinking of the many ways you could take him down a peg.
"I'd say..." He continues, "You're no hero."
He swings his sword and you barely dodge it. He advances slowly, as you step in and out of the various traps

2
In The Style Of... / In A Forrest And In Terror
« on: 03/21/19, 11:33 AM »
When I was young, my mother was a priestess of Shub Niggurath. My youth was fraught with queer occurrences, resulting from my peculiar upbringing.
     -Tior Raimath

This is a story written by Benjamin Fugman in 2018 based in the classic Weird Fiction style. The original summary paragraph is in the voice of the first chapter's narrator, the chapters pass off between different narrators, and an effort was made to give each an individual voice, while maintaining an overall linguistic writing style of classic American weird fiction


Chapter 1: In Terror In A Forrest

I bounded through the verdant sylvan expanse weaving between pine and sycamore trees loping over low brush and crashing through hangings of ivy. I fled as though for my very life, though I was sure it was not in danger, but perhaps my soul...

It was an early Tsathogtog morning, 10th Hasturdan, 9th year of the 3rd Yig Cycle, those who have marked well their history and are familiar with the olden way of marking time will know the significance of that date, others may not be able to reason it. In those days my mother was a priestess to the great mother goddess, something that was meant to be a high honour for our family. I was only a child then and could barely grasp the concept of honour, or the olden ways.

Looking over my shoulder I caught sight of a grayish flash which must have been the fabric of my pursuer's garment, receding behind the trunk of a tall lodgepole pine. Although our village had been here for centuries, a bastion of the old gods, our way of life was under siege. A colony of prigmatic, tecnophobic puritanical foreigners had settled nearby. The foreigners, by their account, had fled their homeland for greener shores, because their king had forbidden the practice of their religion, they believed they would have the freedom to practice their religion, the execution of which, apparently includes the persecution of all other religions, here in our land. The foreigners reject the old gods and despise the olden ways. Being a precocious youth, I was naturally curious about our strange monochromatically clad neighbours, a curiosity vehemently discouraged by my mother, and the rest of our clergy.

I slipped on a slimy pig's ear mushroom and nearly stumbled headlong into a blackberry bramble, fortunately my head wasn't quite long enough to collide with the spineffrous succulents. As I scrambled to my feet I beheld clearly my dogged ferreter's form, only a single, solitary sojourner had taken up my trail, I wasn't sure if that was a good sign or bad, but I knew it would probably be best not to lead my lone pursuer back to our village, this I could handle alone. I'd gone out by the mill early that morning. The mill is the furthest structure from the main part of the settlement, and, I had observed, the miller's daughter arose early each morning to see to a number of the menial tasks which the miller himself avoided on the excuse that he needed to keep his hands clean for his trade, and the miller's wife avoided by excelling at kittchenry. The daughter being stuck with such tasks as she was suited my aim just fine. There was a supple grace about her exertions which held a near mesmeric charm to me. I was especially entranced then, on that particular Tsathogtog morning, watching her draw water from the miller's cobblestone well by pulling the thick hemp rope across a hanging pulley, wrapping each length about a carven spooling board.

Of a sudden a flock of whippoorwills rose out of the wood some ways to my left, converging on the center of the foreign settlement, a detail which would have escaped my notice, if not for the reaction of the miller's long eared basset hound, who gave a stark and resolute alert at the passing of the birds. "Bawoooo, yawp yawp yawp!" Echoing across the supernal gulfs of the Naisance sky the hound's baying was in the classical learnt language of man's canine counterparts, "They go, look, look, look!" The miller's daughter, heedless of the flocking birds, looked about for some more terrestrial source for the beast's call of alarm. I knew the hound was unlikely to bark at me, I had long since purchased his allegiance with some venison jerky and dried roasted potato slices. The miller's daughter though, I doubted snacks would buy her loyalty. Her eyes, sharpened by the state of hyper focus brought on by the dog's alarm, scanned the tree line, where I lay crouched in the bushes. Then she stopped scanning and stared, directly, intently at the bush behind which I was but poorly concealed. I did not know if she saw me or not, but the wind picked up, suddenly and the mill shrieked with indignation as its five great arms were spurred into unnatural animacy. Afraid it would wake the miller I stood bolt up, and I knew the miller's daughter saw me then. For only a brief moment, I stared back at her, then I turned and ran wildly into the great wood.

Scampering over roots and stones, shaken up a bit after my little tumble. She was gaining ground behind me much more rapidly than I would have expected. She seemed to be the only one following me, nor could I detect anyone following her. The Miller's daughter was nearly a megalithic foot taller than myself, and her resultant speed advantage was staggering. A little over a week before that, on the Azatog before last, the last day of Yog Sothdan I had sneaked up to the hillock around the olden temple, not that I was really alone at least half the youngsters of our village had crept up to those old stone apertures to behold, the rites of the holy mother goddess, Shub Niggurath. As I have said. My mother was a priestess, as such she wore about her head the many horned mask of The Black Goat, that being her singular item of attire. Likewise her duties as a priestess also required her participation in every facet of the rites, with every adult in our village, rites which were simultaneously public, and intimate.

Bursting through a furrow of crisscrossed branches I found myself in a small clearing. Surround on all but the side I had entered from with thick growths of switchwillows making exiting the clearing a trickier proposition than entering, I had reached my destination. The hairs on  the back of my neck pricked like the heckles of a trapped boar, the the taste of a copper oblation ladle permeated the surface of my tongue. With a crash my solitary huntress shot through the veritable door of crossing branches, then with a hop and a skip she leapt at me from behind, tacking me into the switchwillows ahead which sprung back in resistance flinging the both of us on our backs, side by side in the soft grass and dandelions.

"Why'd you chase me?" I demanded.
"Why weret thou watching me?" Retorted the confident golden haired grey mantled girl.
"You folk are different. I's fascinated how you go to all that trouble pullin' up buckets and wrappin' that rope, instead of puttin' in a tap and hand pump. We done it for nigh on two cycles now out my village." I hoped that this elongated display would help hide the threadbare nature of my excuse.
She smiled at me, you might call it a knowing smile. "Knowest thou not? Idle hands are the devil's playground."
"Well," I scratched my head, "I ain't never met no devil. So I couldn't say where they spend their time, but if they like idle hands there can't be none on yours."
She leaned close to my ear and whispered, practically breathed, "These hands are less holy than thou might suspect." After that I stared long and intently into her eyes, as deep and as blue-green as the ocean.
We both were silent for a time, then the whippoorwills rushed past above us zigzagging and cavorting in a pseudofluid mass, more akin to a river rapid than a flock of birds, darkening the sky above the clearing for nearly three seconds this time their presence was heralded by a deep abyssal cooing, interspersed with earslicing shrieks. For a moment after they passed all was silent, the wind seemed to cut off sharply, as though the birds had taken it with them...
"Tell me," she broke the silence, "is it true what they say about your people?"
"Is what true?" My expression of shock must've made my face the very caricature of old Tsathogua, eyes bulging, chin drawn back and my mouth pulled into a terrapinean frown, all framed by my, I was sure, massive, somewhat pointed ears. The other youths in my village often called me donkey ears, so they must've been large.
"You know," her right eye twitched as the right corner of her mouth raised in a momentary smirk, "how you're all savages?" This last word seemed to fill her with some taboo sort of thrill.
"Well I wouldn't know what a savage is." I blurted out, "But when I think about it, it don't sound like the nicest thing to call folk."
"You know." She smirked again as if she really expected I knew. "It means you eat raw meat with your bare hands, wear the skins of animals, all that sort of thing."
Those two things were true, I had eaten raw meat on many occasions, and my clothes were made primarily of leather, "Well sure, but I don't see how that makes me a savage." I tried to mimic her thrill, I'm sure it came across as sarcastic. "Anyway," I added, "whadda you figure your shoes are made of."
Her face was flush as she glanced downward and pointed her toes skyward.
"And they say you chant blasphemous intonations to false gods." Her thrill remained, but her words were beginning to drudge up offense from the dark corners of my soul.
"I never heard worship called blasphemy before," pivoting off my knee and elbow I swung myself over, above her, not touching her directly, but effectively blocking her ascent. "And what do you figure makes your new god more real than the old gods?"
"They.." She squeaked, "also say that your people practice indiscriminate acts of deviancy."
"What are you getting at?" I indignated as I drew back to a crouched posture before her.
"I think you know." She smirked again, higher than before, this time winking her right eye and raising her left eyebrow. Then she sat up first supported on her elbows, then on her palms. Leaning forward until the gap between our faces was less than it had been when I was slung over her. Slowly she pursed her lips into an o, brought them just against mine quickly made a pop with the inner part of her lips. And she sank slowly back wrapping her hands about her chest. If this was a kiss I'd never seen its like amongst my people, but perhaps it passed for a kiss amongst hers, because she appeared as one in the throws of ecstatic bliss.
Her hands slid from her chest apart and down to her hips which she momentarily supported above the rest of her body, then spread her knees as she slowly lowered her hips back to the ground. Then she slid her hands 'round her hips into the middle of her thighs, pressing the fabric into the space between her legs, joining her hands in a mudra of prayer, and creating a Y shaped depression in her dress. I was filled with a hunger beneath my stomach such as I had never fealt. She began walking her fingers in place, bunching up the fabric of her grey dress and white skirts. Once she had the last skirt gathered, she rapidly pulled them up, then pushed them down again. Quickly I caught sight of the same vibrant gold which wreathed her headstrong confident visage. Slowly she pulled the lot up again, revealing a total absence of undergarments, save for her thigh high cotton socks. I fealt saliva welling up around my tongue and teeth looking back to her face I saw her eyes widen, and her lips parted in a beckoning grin. I gave in to my instincts, and I ate the miller's daughter.


Chapter 2: Terror In The Forest

I made my way slowly back through that ancient and secreted wood, slowly and carefully, though I could feel the hot acid breath of Kerberos on my back. Slowly because it is easy to become disoriented in the unfamiliar and suddenly cold woods. Slowly because I knew I had committed a mortal sin. I needed time to think of what I would say if my absence were noted. Though even moving slowly I tried to hurry, because each minute I tarried longer increased the likelihood I would be missed. It's easy to go fast when you're following someone going fast who knows the way, easy to dash and dive when filled with the energizing folly of youth. Not so easy when returning guideless and humbled with guilt and contrition.

An owl called out from a treetop. "Hark! Wrongdoer abroad!" A chorus of owls in nearby trees responded, "Who?! Who? Who?!" The one above me answered promptly, "Autlander!"

Then a black mockingbird landed on the branch directly ahead of me spread its wings, and in Pastor's voice it cried, "Below!" Then discharging the burden of its breakfast the wretched black imitator flitted to a higher branch and declared, "Below lies hellfire!"
I quickened my pace. What did those avian busybodies care what I'd done, oh Thazzos! What had been done to me... For me... With me! That I had betrayed my honour, my family, my God! I passed by the silk things I had left by a tree trunk, I was on the right track bits of moss clung to them so I left them be. Father, Pastor, everyone! They were right! The were right about the savages about their depravity, about their indiscretion. Worse yet they were right about me, I am a wicked creature filled with lust and devious fancies. I committed a mortal sin and loved every minute of it. In the moments following our iniquitous encounter, my new savage friend and I resumed to conversing.

"So," the other stared inquisitively into my eyes, with disarming attention. "Is it true what they say about you folk." This in clear mockery of my earlier inquest.
"I know't not. What do they say?" I couldn't imagine what savages would have to say about sojourners.
"How y'all only read one book, only pray to one god, never wear colours?" The questions came in rapid succession, much as I had done moments before.
"Well, yes but..." I trailed off. Somehow at that point I fealt that the straight and narrow way I had been taught to respect seemed utterly indefensible.
My new friend looked more grave, suddenly. In a hushed and graveled voice asked. "Is it true you folk kill your own if they don't do like your book says?" A chill wind picked up rustling the switchwillows that surrounded us.
"I don'..." I started to try to say something to object, but how could I? I'd seen it happen. Then I heard the screech, the low distant rumble. My father's mill coming to life again. "I must return home!"
"Yeah, I better head out too.." My friend reluctantly agreed.

I reached the trail we'd turned off of, towards the clearing. I looked first down the way homeward, then up the way to the heathen village. And I saw it! A bull moose, tall as a house, as wide from antler to antler as father's mill. The moose pawed the ground before him with a forehoof as wide as a literal dinnerplate. Then stomped hard and shook its massively antlered head, snorting forth clouds of tangible vapor. And with a thunderous declaimation it bellowed. "Boar-oak! Due-wall!" All thought left me for a moment, I sprinted down the homeward path like a possessed infidel.

Thought returned, however, as it is wont to do in moments when it is least welcome. "Baroque dual..." Why would a moose say such a thing? What could it mean, such pointless notions, Moose don't talk, he was only bellowing. I became cognizant of a rythmatic thumping, dadadump, dadadump, dadadump, dump, dump, dadadump, dadadump, dadadump, dump dump. God above how pitiful must I have looked to the moose, how ridiculous? Hurling myself forward at what I was sure was my top speed whilst he, with his long legs, was gaining ground rapidly, at a mere trot. As the voluminous drooping snout,  entered my field of view from the right, I was forced to reevaluate my top speed. Both feet left the ground with each stride, the snout and the consistent thumping receeded to a more comfortable distance. The path curved ahead a fallen log lay along the side, supported by two stumps the ground beneath padded with dry needles. I saw my opportunity, and grasped it by the proverbial antlers. I dropped to my knees and slid under the raised log, bending backwards to fit. Then, Carrump! Carrump! First the forehoolves, then the hind hoolves clomped down on the log and he launched himself over me, sailing through the air, as smoothly as the Lilly White had sailed across the ocean, conveying us here. Then came a thunderous, Carrump! Carrump! As the bull moose landed ahead of me. He trotted off into the forrest, self reliant as you please. I looked back at the log, it had buckled out at the bottom two long thick splinters crossed where my neck had been moments before, forming a more than suitable guillotine for the likes of me. I crept around the log, back to the path home. My joints ached, my muscles burned, salt water poured forth from the creases of my hands, never the less I spurred myself into a wholehearted jog. At least I'd gotten an idea what to tell my father.

I emerged shaking from the shadowed vale of the wood, my father stood beside the mill with his thumbs hooked into the corners of his black apron nearly white down the center with the collected dust of flour. My mother stood halfway out the door of the house, with a glance from father she retreated tacitly within. Like the moose, he bellowed, "Cornelia! Where hast thou been?!"

"I-I-I--" I stammered at the total reality of the inquisition I knew was coming, but could never prepare myself for the severity of. "I beheld a moose in the wood." Tears were already dampening my cheeks. I had committed a mortal sin that morning, and then I committed another sin by lying and dishonouring my parents, but they could never know. "It was s-s-so majestic I longed for a closer vantage, so I entered the wood, but..." I could feel him seeing through my fabrications like light passing through a cheesecloth. "It chased me! Oh father I was so frightened!"

There was no sympathy in his eyes, no empathy, no humanity. He was like his stone grinding wheel incarnate. "You see?! The lord thy god has punished thee for neglecting thy duties!" He scowled a scowl which radiated ill humour as the sun radiates light and warmth. I trudged through ankle-deep liquessent regret to the side of the well and finished drawing the water I would need to rinse the chamberpots.


Chapter 3: In The Temple An Upheaval

I sat on the black sheep skin covering of the big stone chair in the center of the old stone temple. I shifted my position trying to find some semblance of comfort. The black goat mask I wore for rituals sat to my right upon the broad carven arm rest, I wore the blackbird down brassiere and black hog loincloth which constituted the expected daytime attire of my office, for the Naisance season. Coal braziers burned on either side of me, each around two megalithic yards removed from the position of the chair, serving practically no purpose, as the morning light streamed in through the broad apertures in the upper part of the temple walls, and neither the sunlight nor the fire were doing much of anything to combat the chill in the air. I suspect the seasons may have undergone some migration of pattern, since the formation of the olden calendar, Hasturdan always fealt like part of Fridgidation, to me. Even the ignorant outlanders set the seasonal transition in late Nyarladan upon the day and night of equal length, yet, for reasons beyond my ken, the older calendar sets the transition to Naisance always on the first day of Hasturdan. And on that day each year am I expected to retire my Frigidation robes in favor of the less concealing Naisance accoutrements.

A cold breeze whirled through the temple, raising gooseflesh all about my person, but also providing a momentary respite from the smell, the smells of old love, of sick and slough residue, of dried blood, of damp furs, and of the ever present mildew in the corners. I casually picked out a cone of incense, from my incense chest, and tossed it into the brazier on my right, for all the good it would do... Valcaz, an ignominious obtrusive fellow, ambitious enough to land himself a position as emissary to the high priest of Ithaqua, stood on the cobbled walkway of the old stone temple, quill in hand and papyrus ready on a plankboard, awaiting my reply to his master's declaration. "Be gone, Valcaz, tell your master I will send a messenger with my answer when I am good and ready." That's what I wanted to say to him, but he would surely tell Thogue my exact words, whether they constituted a formal reply or not.

Thogue, the high priest of Ithaqua, lived high on the peak of The Cold Mountain in the temple observatory of Ithaqua. Valcaz had come on this morning to present me with a message from the decrepified ancient hierophant, concerning a threat he believed the outlanders presented, it told of how he had espied a ship docking at the other settlement of outlanders to the south, the one called Jacobston and that six men had carried two boxes, too short and thin to be caskets, but as heavy as three whole bodies up the coast to Rocksmouth, the settlement nearest our village. He believed these boxes held some kind of weapons that he feared would make the outlanders stronger than us. He proposed that we gather together all the priests and priestesses of all the tribes, here, at the old stone temple, and summon Yog Sothoth, and ask for weapons that would outmatch those of the foreigners. It didn't altogether make sense to me. The folk in Rocksmouth hated the Jacobites even more than they hated our folk. Most of all they hated the Jacobites' industries, without which I saw no way their weapons could make them stronger than our warriors. And if they did have weapons like the folk down in Jacobston then the show of light and thunderous sounds I'm told accompany the summoning of Yog Sothoth would only serve in tempering their resolve to attack us. It's important to understand, while the message was phrased in the form of a request, Thogue does not make requests, so I could reasonably assume he intended to hold the summoning ritual at my temple, regardless any protest I should attempt. So I was attempting to compose my thoughts carefully to formulate a response to Thogue's unabashed insult that would not be construed as overtly insulting to Thogue.

"Lady Tirague," Valcaz intoned in his accustom sickening, saccharin, sing-song with its wavering phlegmy timbre, "We humbly await your affirmative."

Perhaps his two guards, armed with bills, were humble, but Valcaz as far as I knew, did not know how to do anything in the spirit of humility. The wind whipped around the temple again, ruffling Valcaz's lavender coloured wool robe, and displacing a lock of my hair in front of my face.

I pursed my lips and blew the errant strands aside. "Very well, you may take this down, I certainly agree that the old stone temple is our most ancient and holiest site, and would be ideal for a summoning of such magnitude. I do have a notable concern, that the performance of such a ritual might instigate a conflict that might otherwise have been avoided, but if--"

A ruckus became audible near the temple entrance. A group of children could be heard shouting, "Heehaw! Heehaw! Heehaw!" A taunt I recognized all too well.

"Pardon me, exalted emissary, but I must look into the welfare of my child." Pushing off the seat with the palms of my hands I sprung up and took the three steps down from the chair's pedestal at a leap, dashed past Valcaz, and between his suddenly bewildered guards, then out the great arched portal of the old stone temple at the bottom of the front stoop I could see a circle of unruly youngsters, most of them still chanting, "Heehaw! Heehaw!" Their apparent ring leader, a girl named Zolaxia, was shouting, "Hey ass-ears! Take in any interestin' palaver eavesdropping on them strange folk?! C'mon we know that's where you go, to spy on all them black-hatted heathens, so what'd ya learn."

"Answer Zola's question, you buck tooth donkey!" Shouted another.

"Enough!" I shouted, projecting my voice as I would for a ritual. First 'Zola' turned around, then all the rest that weren't already facing me, those that were looked up, then they all scampered off leaving only one youngster sitting on the ground. Arms wrapped about knees, face wet with perspiration and tears, caked with dirt, which had apparently been kicked up from the thoroughfare by the bullies was my child, my daughter, Tior. I ran down and embraced her. Valcaz and his guards were leaving, I didn't care. He'd gotten enough from me he fealt confident faking an affirmative to the high priest.


Chapter 4: Omens, Portents, Questions, Resolutions, And Suspicion.

Upon this Tsathogtog, Tenth day of Hasturdan, year Nine, Third Yig Cycle, I, Thogue, am, as I do every day, putting down in writing the most significant events of the day.

This morning despatched Valcaz to procure use of the old temple for imminent summoning of Yog Sothoth from the outer realms. His success is imperative, if indeed, the puritans have obtained Jacobean armaments our own meagar iron blades will not be sufficient to waylay them. Only the raycasters Yog Sothoth can deliver will outmatch the speed and ferocity of Jacobite rifles. And only if they have designs against us would they dare break their taboo against obtaining such implements.

Made water shortly after. That peculiar violet shade again, far off from the healthy daffodil one comes to expect. No precedent for this phenomenon found, neither in our own scrolls, nor the Jacobite medical encyclopedias obtained at last sally to trading post. I have grow fearful these months of an impending death. Not of my body, not yet, but in this instance a death of reason, and with it a death of purpose, and without reason or purpose, am I still the voice of Ithaqua, or merely a shell put upon by dumb instinct to ejaculate incoherent noises?

From my long-glass did observe a flock of whippoorwills rising up from The Round Mountain to the south and west. Did see them dart hither and thither, then alight upon the settlement of Rocksmouth. If the devil the outlanders speak of exists, his name is Gtangatua, and his servants grow stronger, even now, within the round mountain, the fuel the Yulggothans need is the distillate of heretic souls, and the whippoorwills are the vessel by which that fuel is gathered. The gadoffel restrictive nature of the puritans' dogma makes them a fertile breeding ground for heresy. And their habit of executing the accused makes them an ideal self harvesting fuel source for the Yulggothans. This is why it's all the better that we ensure as many of them as can be, be allowed to die fighting for their beliefs, at least then they will not quicken the empowering of that neigh unstoppable diabolic beast.

It was by beholding Gtangatua that the deathless Old Gods were driven to and endless slumber. the Yulggothans have never announced their intent. But, for myself I have no doubt that it does not bode well for we, the legacy of the Old Gods.

Did witness through the long glass some nameless mischief of frivolity, which bears remembering, but surely not setting down, at once did see whippoorwills returning from Rocksmouth to The Round Mountain. 'Tis clear enough they got what they were after, or they'd have dispersed to gathering and spying, but they returned to that Round Mountain in haste, no doubt fat on the gluck of the vital energies of a soul liberated from flesh in doubt of its final destination there to bring it to that all hideous metalic monolith The Gtangator, set up on the stone slab in the middle of The Round Mountain, Gods alone know what the Mi-Go have planned for it, legend tells that after it was built, over three mythotic cycles ago, Gtangatua himself moved into it. Every since then I know they send out them whippoorwills whenever anyone dies hereabouts, and if that one dies in doubt of the faith their soul holds strongest to them birds claim the soul with their cacophonous chant, and when they get one they fly it straight back to The Gtangator where them Mi-Go take and latch onto it with positron arcs and drop it into an antiprotonic ectoplasmatic container, at least that's how the old scrolls put it. Them Mi-Go don't show up too well through the long glass, but their machines show up just fine, and watchin' you can tell just what they're doing, it matches up to what the scrolls seem to mean, and it must be to some sinister purpose, for I know right well that the Mi-Go use the stuff distilled from those ghosts to flit about and spin their lassos but besides that the stash most of't away in The Gtangator. A series of twelve blue lights run the height of the obelisk. From the time it was built, over three cycles ago, until the time I became High Priest of Ithaqua and my predecessor showed me the tower through the long glass only six of those lights had become illuminated,  however one more lit up shortly after my appointment to this office, and three have come on just in the ten years since outlanders breached our shores, two just in the eight years since the puritan's arrived. And now... Today, even before my eyes, after the latest, "witch" was refined, I, Thogue, sound enough in mind to set down these words, did witness the second to last light flickering to life.

Supped, good corn, good roasted venison, chilli sauce was too strong, so refrained, must ask cook to prepare milder batch.

After supper made water again, not merely violet, but also slightly luminous in the evening dark. Gods what's happening to me?!

Valcaz returned shortly after, bringing affirmative for ritual venue. I have no doubt Yog Sothoth will be our salvation.

In bed now ready to retire for the night, I cradle the raycaster I obtained so many years ago, for the war with the Imeks. More powerful than a thousand spears, and still has some charge left. If worst comes to worst, I know I can still depend on this.


Chapter 5: An Execution In The Square

This morning I dreamt a dream most ominous and hideous, in the dream I was a hide clad savage with beads and feathers tied into my greasy hair. I did not see, but knew that I was a warrior of the Ornek tribe. I somehow knew that we were at war with the the fairer skinned Nyagal from the north region around the cold mountain. I remembered, rather than experienced previous battles in which their metal pikes had cut through the wood of our stone headed spears, and claw-swords easily, but this time would be different, we'd gotten ahold of enough metal weapons by raiding their war camps in the night to put up a proper fight, or so we thought.

The dawn was blazing scarlet, not peach or pumpkin, like a dawn aught to be. The dawn wind which should be stone and surf, was instead copper and dry lightning. I could feel the tension in my entire brigade as we crested the southern hill of Clover Valley we expected to see the pikes and bills of the Nyagal first cresting the northern hill, but instead we saw the plumes of their helmed heads, they weren't wielding blades of steel, instead, they carried large rectangular objects of some dull unlustrous metal painted with red and blue accents. For an eternal moment we stared in stunned curiosity then, it happened... An un-forking bolt of stark white lightning errupted from one of the mysterious boxes, it tore through our ranks bursting half a dozen men like gourds, showering the rest of us with hot blood as the thunder sounded with deafening proximity, from that moment it was chaos. Some advancing, some retreating, and all helpless against the rain of destruction produced by the Nyagal's front lines. In a blind rage, I charged across the valley. I spotted out one of the Nyagal whose weapon had ceased firing and had commenced to whirring in protest, I piked him with my stolen pole-arm, his peculiar weapon discharged one final time as I set him down, liquidating the line of shooters to his right the last of whose weapon exploded with massive concussive force, enough to fling me against the Nyagal to the left of the one I took out. I managed to struggle to my feet first and liberate my foe of the bizarre armament The mechanism for firing was little different from a crossbow or, the conscious part of my mind thought, a musket. I cut several paths of death through the Nyagal forces, those not directly struck were cut up by the burst fragments of their comrades' metallic armor. I saw their general in the back he was dressed in steel scaled armor with red dyed fur. His helm was ornamented with boar tusks on the cheek guards, ram horns on the sides and goat horns on the top, his face was covered by a red cloth he carried none of the strange weapons of the frontline combatants, instead all he carried was a twisted wooden staff topped with what seemed to be the skull of some unspeakable beast, equal parts baboon antelope and gazelle, with the fangs of a prehistoric tiger. I got a sudden vision of the thing alive, charging across the valley toward me, glistening red and blue muscles bulge out amid its grey and black fur, whipping its bifurcated prehensile tail, and shaking its horned mantle with massive toothy jaw, as it roars the sky appears to shatter revealing a cold and cloudless night behind the day, then shatter again the stars fell away in plates revealing a bright blue day with scattered white clouds and a massive pale yellow sun, that did not sting the eyes to look upon, this too shattered in the space of the roar, the pieces faded away, ultimately giving way to the vermilion dregs of dawn the vision of the beast also faded and the general pressed his twisted staff into the soil as effortlessly as pressing a straight stake into soft loam. I aimed the deadly alien object at him and compressed the firing mechanism no sound of thunder no flash of blinding light, he did not explode. Instead I fealt, more than heard, the same whirring that had previously afforded me my opportunity to attack. Their general, however did not take advantage of the window to rush me and loose his dagger, instead he waved his hands over the blasphemous devil beast skull staff, and began to dance, waving his arms from side and bouncing at his bent knees, concealing his face behind his elbows at the extreme of each swing, all at once red flames seemed to surround him, twisting and crackling, as the flames reached a zenith, he stopped dancing and let them whirl around him as he placed his left hand upon the staff and raised his right to the sky, a tiny star began to coalesce in the palm of his right hand. I compressed the firing mechanism again this time a beam of light did issue forth with a thunderous clash but it reflected off the red flames as easily as sunlight off a mirror and struck the ground a meter in front of me, knocking me off my footing, as the star in his hand grew he chanted, "Ayah ayah ghashtathoc Nayar-Lat-Hotep bhas bhas vheed vis yeet!" The star swallowed all the red flames from around him and the star seemed to keep getting bigger and bigger, swallowing him, of course it wasn't, it was getting closer to me, I knew as I fealt the brightness and heat of its rays overtake me.

I awoke to the sunlight streaming in my bedroom window and set to work at once on this entry. Often I worry the nature of my dreams recorded in this journal might call into question my efficacy as a prosecutor, nonetheless I am compelled to record them, I cannot help but feel that this dream may have been inspired by the events of yesterday morning.

Yesterday, February, tenth, fifteen hundred and five Anum Thazzodesic, I was called upon to prove one Maurice Blackwell a witch. He was not the first accused witch I had prosecuted, and I doubt he'll be the last. What is a witch, really, but someone that somebody wants dead? I just facilitate the process by stating, loudly, whichever excuses the witchfinder helped the accusor contrive. I don't believe the magistrate or the crowd care what those excuses are, or how improbable they are, they just want to see someone hang.

The courtroom was full to capacity nearly every man in the settlement were packed into the benches, most of the rest, along with several women and children, in fact, only the miller and his family were absent, which was not at all conspicuous, as the mill was a good ways out of town, the miller says too many buildings nearby block out the wind, and I can take his word on it. Besides, if I had a daughter like his, I would take steps to keep her far from young men like my son. The defendant was bound and sat fidgeting clinkingly in his restraints, his barrister grimaced and smirked uncomfortably the magistrate had yet to arrive, the crier stood in front of his bench and read aloud from a scroll, "Gentlemen, today we are here to find cause with a witch, whose filthy kind degrade our society.  The accused is Mister Maurice Blackwell, a Jacobite name if ere I Heard one, who as you all know had a wife last year, and this year she is no longer among us. Presenting the argument for his defense is local advocate Chuck Brinig, and representing you, the good people of Rocksmouth, your district prosecutor, Willyrd P. Johnson." After a momentary pause he proceeded. "All rise, please, for your honorable magistrate Harcord Harold Henrys." Everyone rose quickly to their feet, except for the defendant, who's restraints may've forbade him rising. Magistrate Henrys entered the court from the Judge's prep-room,  carrying his heavy gavel that better resembled a staking mallet than one of the flimsy tack pushers used in the king's courts. I recalled a dream I once had in which I was myself, and the witchfinder accused a woman as a vampire, and magistrate Henry's drove a wooden stake into the accused with his gavel on the spot, in the courtroom. As unrealistic as the particulars of the scenario may be, I have no doubt but the hammer would stand up to the use, and the Magistrate himself was brawny enough to facilitate its employment in such an endeavor. My wife once joked that she wondered whether he was compensating for something, later she reported that she had repeated the same jest in private company with Mrs. Henrys, who assured her the gavel was rather more of an understatement. "Be seated!" The crier declared as the Magistrate settled into his bench. All were at once seated, but for the crier, the bailiffs, and one other man, Reverend Denham Mallow, the witchfinder.

"I have new evidence, your honour." Mallow declared "This object, retrieved from the home of the accused in the company of warranted officers." Mallow held up a small tin box with a red cross painted on it, the paint was worn and chipped in places, bare shiny metal showing through in spots. Any other man would have been called to order for such a disruptive display, but not the witchfinder, Reverend, lawyer, doctor of Christian theology, associate fellow of eastern studies, son of the revered Witchfinder General, Marshal Mallow. Actually when our magistrate called for a witchfinder he expected Marshall himself, despite the young reverend being his second choice, Magistrate Henrys always gave due reverence to the witchfinder, even permitting him to make of the court a near circus.

"You may approach the bench, witchfinder Mallow." Harcord announced, showing signs of repressed annoyance.

"Approach the bench!" The crier parroted. I don't even think I know that man's name, how often do I think of wringing his neck? More, perhaps than would be considered healthy.

The witchfinder brought the box up to the front of the courtroom. "This will be highly pertinent to the testimony of the accuser." He proclaimed. A bailiff took it from him and set it on the evidence table. "Your honor, may we bring forth the accuser now?"

"By all means, witchfinder, summon the plaintiff to the stand." Magistrate Henrys conceded, with a tone of un-abated authority.

"Come forth, Ibram Merrit!" declared Mallow.

"The court calls Ibram Merrit  to the stand!" cried the crier, only slightly louder than the witchfinder.

3
My Hearth's Warming Doll fell right into the fire. I tried to save it, but I singed my hoof, it hurt real bad, there was nothing I could do but watch the flames devour my poor little Hearth's Warming Doll, there was nothing anypony could do as the flames tore into the blue fabric engulfing the white cotton stuffing in seconds turning it all black then glowing red, orange, back to black, grey, and then dust. And as the fire consumed the doll I felt colder and colder until I froze solid, I didn't thaw out until Spring. And that's what happens if your Hearth's Warming Doll falls in the fire. True story.

4
Iconpasta / The Return Of Marana
« on: 03/21/19, 11:17 AM »
DISCLAIMER: This is a fictional story, any resemblance to real pesrons or circumstances would be highly disturbing, so I hope that no such resemblance exists. Within this story, the story Marana, by Adia Crozer will be quoted in part, or in it's enetirety more than once. This story will also make direct reference to the story TOP HAT, by Matthew Friedman and Andrew Zolenski. Furthermore some characters in this story are based on the personalities, and using the first names, of real people who I do not know personally and do not claim to have an intimate understanding of how they might truly react in any given situation. It goes without saying that I do not own any of these characters, they are owned by their respective creators my intention here is to build on an existing mythos.

The Return of Marana

It had been two weeks since I moved into the neighborhood, in the house at the corner of Cinnamon Street and Wyard Lane; two blocks north of La Cienega Drive, a fact that I was barely aware of, nor would the dreadful significance of that fact dawn on me, until it was too late. I've never put too much stock in urban legends let alone suburban legends, but I've always allowed for that element of the unexplained, however, even the most seriously strange cases I've looked into do not begin to approach the oddities which unfolded in the following weeks after my move to the house at the corner of Cinnamon and Wyard.

As I indicated it was two weeks after I moved into the house that I first heard that... I'm not sure  what to call it, story? Legend? Hogwash? Whichever of these I may choose, I would include adjectives denoting the frivolity of said... I'm not sure what to call it, so I won't go down that road again. If I had known at that time how serious and unfrivolous the warning was I may not have brushed it off so lightly. Or perhaps, lacking the knowledge I now possess, I may have guffawed at the ridiculous fable, as I must have felt it deserved at the time. As you will learn however, this dread cautionary tale is, in fact, no laughing matter.

 On the morning of April 7th Ethan, a neighborhood kid I'd met the previous day, when he delivered my newspaper, was mowing my front lawn on his, or his parents, riding mower. He had advertised his lawn mowing services when he'd brought the paper to my door, which was probably his usual scheme, I really didn't mind because he charged a reasonable price, and the only lawnmower I owned was an old-style mechanical push mower, which I'd found in the garage when I moved in.

  Having completed a gridwise sweep of my yard the kid came up to the porch and knocked on the door, where I was already standing, since I'd gotten up from my breakfast as soon as I heard the mower's engine cut out. And could see him approaching the porch from the dining room window. I opened the door after his second knock, he pawed the air with his fist, attempting a third, then cocked his head to the side and blinked rapidly six or eight times.

"Whatcha think, mister?" he glanced over his shoulder at his handiwork as he finished his question, I think he did so as a means of gesturing for me to take a look at the lawn.

I surveyed the yard quickly, "Great" I said indifferently, "You did a great job." I tried to sound a little more spirited, but it came out sounding a bit contrived. It wasn't that he hadn't done a good job, he had, as far as I could tell. I'm just not really a morning person, and hadn't had but a sip of my coffee yet.

He held out his hand expectantly, I had already counted out the cash and had it waiting in my pocket, so I forked it over. He counted it out himself, before stuffing it into his own pocket, in a haphazard wad. "You're new to this neighborhood, right mister?" he asked squinting at me. He had asked me the same exact thing, the same exact way, before advertising his services as a teenage lawnmower the day before. I don't think he forgot. I would conjecture he was just re-confirming, or maybe condescending...

"Yeah." I nodded my head as I said it. I imagined myself repeating the action like some kind of talking bobblehead with my curly cockscomb flapping as I nodded faster and faster. I almost laughed outloud at my own pointless imaginings.

"Have you heard about Marana?" he asked, almost gravely.

"Um... I don't think... Wait, isnt that, like, a town in Arizona?" I furrowed my brow skeptically.

"I dunno... Maybe..." he scratched his head. "But there's a girl named Marana that used to live down on La Cienega."

"What about her?" the furrows, which had never left my brow, deepened.

"She is a seventeen foot tall woman with fingernails that touch the floor. She murdered her family and friends when she was twelve. Now she walks the swamps, with blood dripping from empty eye sockets, crying for her beloved dog Carmel." All this he said in a serious and authoritative tone, as though the the nonsense he had just rattled off were a statement of incontrovertible fact. I waited for a change in his expression, there was none, he looked like a stone-cold homicide detective who'd just given a bleak testimony describing his arrival at a grizzly crime scene.

  Since he didn't crack up I did, almost doubling over as I let out a roaring cacophony of cachinnation. Still laughing, I started trying to catch my breath supporting myself with my hands on my knees. As I looked up to see Ethan had turned his head slightly so he could look at me sideways, scowling as he gave me a palpably cold staredown, scowling like Adolf Hitler after realizing someone pissed in his Coca-Cola. I stopped laughing.

"It aint no joke, mister!" The boy was obviously annoyed, but I couldn't see why, to me it seemed like my reaction to the string of nonsense he'd just uttered was perfectly natural.

  "I'm sorry," I offered the sincerest apology I could muster, "but... Really? Seventeen feet tall?" I whistled through my teeth as I shook my head slowly.

  "That's what I said." His tone was still as grave as a headstone.

  "You do realize that's taller than any person in recorded history, right?" I couldn't help sounding more than a little facetious.

  "Not everything that happens gets recorded in history." he had me there, I did have something of an affinity for unexplained phenomenon, so I knew that the realm of possibility stretched well beyond the standard consensus. This sounded like a tall tale though, or some absurd copypasta from the interwebs.

  "And her dog's name," I went on, trying to sound more curious, and less snyde, "Caramel?" I smirked as I spoke the word, and my eyes widened and rolled involuntarily afterwards.

  "No, Carmel," he corrected, "Cee Ay Ar Em Ee El."

  "Well that's even sillier," I refrained from saying out loud, instead I said, "Okay. You seem pretty sure about all this, but why are you telling me all this?"

  He swallowed nothing, as though it were an unchewed chunk of something. "Just be careful, man, she's still out there. My friend, Fred, says his friend, Danny, saw her once, all seventeen feet of her, mostly legs, scrapin' her nails along the sidewalk down by La Cienega. Folks say she likes to pick on newcomers. So just watch your back, and your sides, and your front, for that matter."

  We shook hands, said goodbye, and he walked back to his mower and drove off, as I walked back to my cold Eggs Benedict, and sub-luke-warm coffee. "theres just no way..." I muttered to my breakfast, which was characteristically unresponsive, so I ate it, with all the voracity of Winston Smith downing the regulation Ingsoc party lunch.

  Most of the day passed relatively un-eventfully, I lost another good chunk of my faith in humanity making my hundred somethingth video on the depressingly mind-numbing garbage that people post online, and let me tell you, this one was a real doozy, maybe not my funniest or most depressing to date, but having not done one in a couple weeks... Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah... (¡-!) No. (((^~^))) I have lost all faith in humanity. This is official I'm officially saying it, again. Except those of you who subscribe to my channel, like, thumbs-up, and favorite every single one of my videos ever made, if it was made before you were born your parents probably shouldn't be letting you watch my videos, so shame on them, unless it's, like, the future, in which case, far out man, but why are you watching this old ass shit? Find some new shit, some relevant shit, people have probably gotten stupider, I almost guarantee it. Maybe, hopefully they've gotten smarter, but hey no way of knowing. Right?

  While my video was uploading I received a text message containing a story I recognized, almost instantly. The message began, "BEWARE MARANA" then, after a double line break it said...

  "Shell is a 17 foot tall woman with fingernails that touch the floor she murdered her family and friends when she was 12 now she walks the swamps with blood dripping from empty eye sockets crying for her beloved dog carmel."

  The text came from one of those TextNow numbers, so of course I didn't recognize the number. At first I thought it was that kid Ethan, still trying to mess with me. The problem with that little hypothesis was that I hadn't given him my number, there'd been no need for it Since he probably surveyed the lawns on his paper rout and walked up and rang the doorbell to any house where the grass was ovegrown. I can't imagine who else would have been sending me Marana shit. Although, it seems like it would be more than a little redundant to send me prettymuch word-for-word what he'd already told me.

  Suddenly my front door began to rattle on its hinges. The wind? That's what I originally thought it was, but the persistence of the rattling, and the absence of accompanying wind sounds begged further investigation. Approaching the front door, I could see it shaking as it clattered, I noticed my heart pounding in time with the arrhythmic thumping. I reached out, taking hold of the leaver-stile Quikset handle, I could feel something repeatedly pushing on the door, near the bottom. After twisting the lock mechanism, with my left hand, the weigh of my right arm pushed the handle down. I pulled the door open quickly, ready to slam it if I had to. The elongated ball of mud and fur didn't give me time to react, instead it darted between my feet and into the hall behind me, loping like a mad jackrabbit, slinging clods of wet dirt in its wake.

  I still slammed the door, as I whirled around the pursue the small muddy animal. I was already pretty sure by that time that it was some kind of small dog. Although, when I saw its face for the milliseconds that I did, I swear it looked like some kind of demon. As I chased after the horrendous little thing, I slipped on it's mud trail careening into my hallway endtable and knocking over my cheap replica Ming vase, which I ironically caught and set back up safely, and the chase was on once more. Every time the little mutt changed direction it it stopped and skidded into a turn then started running again whalloping clods of mud in every direcction. At one poinr it scampered under my dining table I sliped agan and slid hafway under the table, bonking my head in the process and streaking mud up my pants. Mud that I now noticed reaked of sulfer.

  After pulling myself out from under the table, getting mudd on the back of my shirt in the process I saw the capricious canine tresspasser attemting to mount the carpeted stairs, I grabbed it by the scruff, and... A collar!

  "No, no, no." I waved my finger, "Not in my house!" For a moment the little dog struggled and thrashed in my grip, flinging mud on me, the walls, and the carpet I was trying to protect. The it stiffened up and just snarled lettingvout low slow gutteral growls. "Let's get you cleaned up, shall we, I bet somebody's missing you." I brought the dog to the downstairs bathroom and to the tub, still holding onto the dog with my right hand I held the flexible showerhead with my left and rinsed off the sulfrous mud, in spite of the tony critter's ptotests, as the coat of mud disolved away the distinctive long hair, large pointed ears, and supple frame of a papillon became aparent, its hair was white, black, and reddish brown, woven into long distickt dreadlocks that almost made it lopk like a hedgehog, or some nameless sea creature. But this dog had a name... I examined the collar which was old, with patches of loose thread all about, hevily sunbleached from its original purple and green textile patten to a pale yellow and blue on the back, and infused in every cranny with black sand from the bog mud, there wre two tags, one oval shaped, with vaccination info... From 8 years ago! The other was a bone shaped tag with a name on it the name on the tag read, "CARMEL"

  It had to be some kind of sick joke, that's all I could figure. But who would go to all that trouble? After Getting as much mud out as reasonably posible I set the dog down in the tub and quicly slid shut the sloding glass door. As the dog who's tag labeled it as Carmel shook its dreadlocked fur, I was showered with a cascade of droplets that somehow made it over the 7 foot high frosted glass wall.

   I decided to leave mongrel in the tub to dry off, while cleaned up after its mudslinging rampage. Around the time I finished cleaning up the mud, actually I hadn't quite finished yet, I got a call from my friend Justin.

    "Yo, Rob. I just got this new game, Beware Mister Tophat. It's this Indi horror title for PS3. We gotta play this thing for your gaming channel, man. It's supposed to be ptetty sick."

    "Gee I dunno, are we talking sick, rad, or sick, disgusting." I inquired quizically.

    "I dunno, bro, I didn't ask. Both probably? Anyway You know I can't play it myself I get to scared with horror games to play right. That's why it has to be you playing, and me reacting to the spoops." Justin did have a tendancy to shriek and jump out of his seat, or release histrionic shreaks at the scares in games and movies. I have always believed he just does it to make a spectacle of himself.

    "You know Pewdipie does both, right?" I jabbed.

    "Yeah... Well we ain't him." Justin put on a heavy fake southern drawl. "We're Amerkin'!"

    "We're a pubic wig?" I knew what he was trying to say. But I just had to mess with him on that one.

    "What?! Your beard is pubic wig maybe!" He had to go there.

    "Hey watch it, buster this beard is internet famous."

    "Yeah, so's my bare, biny, lasty white ass, but I don't go bragging about it." Nice one...

    "Well I'm pretty busy this evening, but I'd be down to do that letsplay video... tomorrow afternoon?" I still had to figure out ehat to do wit my strange quadrapedal guest. Probbly take it to the animal shelter in the morning.

  "Cool, man, you won't regret it... I think. I've never actually played the game, but the guy on the streeet corner who sold it to me out of his trench coat pocket says it's pretty legit." I hung up the phone and resumed cleaning the oderiferous black mud out of my hall and kitchen. And, as best I could, out of the carpeting on my steps. By the time I was ready to give up on the the stairs I heard a crash of glass shattering from the bathroom.

I rushed to the door and stopped grasping the rounded brass knob. I started to slowly push the door open, creaking lightly on it's hinges. What I saw confirmed my worst fears, the dready little rat dog was drapped bloody, shreadded and motionless over the edge of the tub. The sight made me jump back in stark terror, slamming the door shut before me.

I stood there tasting a coppery twinge of unreasoning dread. For some illogical reason, I thought to myself, "She'll blame me! Marana will blame me for what happened to her dog!" But just as I was about to plumet into abyssal despair I heard the last thing I expected to hear in that moment, a yip. Excited, almost happy by the sound, but how?

Tentativly, I grasped the knob, slowly I turned it as far as it let me, and started to push th door open instinktively my eyes shut themselves against the impending horror of seeing an injured animal clinging to life. When I forced my eyelids open I was shocked to find my frosted glass shower door completely intact I could see Carmel's matted form blurred by the milky screen, thecfloor was littered with curved shards of crystal clear glass, and the thick bottom from the glass I used for brushing my teeth.

The dog yipped again and jumped up in a spiral. "Hang on little guy," I assured, I'll get you out of there, after I sweap up this mess. As I went to get the whisk broom I noticed several spots I missed cleaning up the mud, but I'd have to deal with that later...

5
Spinpasta / Jeff The Killer Factory
« on: 03/21/19, 11:11 AM »
The Confession Of Geoffry Theodore Keller

So, no shit, there I was. About to fulfil the American dream, at least according to Homer Simpson in that one Treehouse Of Horror episode, are those even cannon? Beside the point. The point is, I was about to kill my boss. He gave me my two weeks notice a week before, but that wasn't why, no there was a lot more to it.

I didn't decide to kill him right away when he started having sex with my wife in front of me. She seemed to enjoy it and had never complained. When he started making me suck him off so he could get hard and go another round with her, it didn't bother me. It was just one of those things... When he started piling his paperwork onto my work-load and not paying me overtime for the extra hours it took me to finish it, I admit I felt a little insulted. When I asked him about the possibility of a raise and he told me he'd rather fire me, that did piss me off, but not to the point where I'd kill a man.

Honestly I wasn't angry. I was calm, I suppose part of me always wanted to kill someone who happened to be my boss, so that gave me a limited time to kill Greg Keffre while he was still my boss. I'd never killed anyone before, but if I had excuse enough to off anyone it was Greg.

Getting into Greg's house was easy, almost too easy his wife, Candilaria, was home alone, she likes to fool around. She let me in and we had fun for a few hours, she hid me in a closet as her husband was getting home, it was too perfect. I watched them go at it until they finally passed out.

I could have just snuck out of the house and slunk off into obscurity, but if I'd done that you probably wouldn't be reading this. I crept into the kitchen, so many potentially deadly objects to choose from, but I settled on a heavy stainless steel tenderizer. I shuffled, ever so quietly, back to the bedroom.

Greg was sleeping so peacefully, just like some dumb schmuck who had no idea he was about to get his skull caved in by a homicidal maniac. If I really face the facts, it wasn't about any kinnd of revenge. I just wanted to kill... I feel weird about feeling okay with that, but I do. I raised the metal block of a hammer high in the air above my head, and brought it down on his head, his eyes shot open and he gurgled, ineffectually. I could thell he died on the first hit, but I struck twice more to be sure. The third hit splashed his blood on Candi's face and she woke up, she saw me standing there with the bloody tenderizer and started screaming up a storm, like she didn't expect this. Thwack! I hit her with the hammer, and down she went, with one blow. Thrack! With my second blow I felt her skull give way. That really shouldn't feel so satisfying, but it does.

I got my clothes back from the closet I'd been hiding in and got dressed. I decided to take the hammer to the sink where I left it unter running water pushing the lever up with the back of my hand. Was that enough to wash away fingerprints? Did I even care? How many other places did I leave fingerprints? How many dozens of other ways are rhere to trace that I'd been there? I don't think I planned that far ahead.

Someone was planning ahead though. Someone was watching my every move. Someone was snickering over my amateurish foibles. I thought I was all that for killing a defenseless couple in their sleep, but, as I stepped into the hallway from the kitchen, someone burst through the front door, he was a slender muscular man of indeterminate age, in black pants and a white hooded sweatshirt, but honestly the most striking thing about him was his bizarrely mutilated face. He looked like a car accident victim, or a burn victim. Like that lady with the Mr. Potatohead face, or Tom Cruise in Vanilla Sky. His skin was milk pale all over, and fairly devoid of features, his big, glassy looking eyes were lidless and apparently bloodshot, his cheeks were cut into with an upward curve which gave him a permanent sinister grin, his whole face was framed with a shock of ragged coal black hair that almost seemed more like fur. A face I'm not likely to forget for as long as I live. The second most strining thing about him was the improbably shiney eight inch buck knife he was casually tossing back and forth between his hands. His stance was low and wide, I remember thinking that he was like a wild beast, but in the few seconds it took me to think that I was too slow to react, in one fluid motion the knife fluttered from his right hand into his left and from there darted directly into my right side, he pressed it in with the heel of his palm as my flesh seemed to simultaneously pull it in, likewise my flesh spat it out as he gently took hold of it and withdrew it.

"Go to sleep!" He commanded. The p at the end of sleep was more like a throaty k accented by a click of his teeth, that must not have decreased the effectiveness of the command, however, because go to sleep is exactly what I did.


A Tale Of Too Many Jeffs

Of all the damned things, I woke up. I couldn't open my eyes, because they were already open, I couldn't close them, because... Why the hell couldn't I close them?!

There was a burning pain in my right side. Oh, yeah, that's rught, I got stabbed. I was looking up at an unfamiliar ceiling, my first thought was hospital, but why couldn't I close my eyes? I looked around there was a bare concrete wall to my right, my mouth felt so dry, and my cheeks ached, my whole face ached the more I moved my head. There was another bed to my left, I was in a bed, with a heavy steel frame, and there was one across the room that matched it. There was a sink with a mirror on the back wall, and a metal door with a mesh reinforced hexagonal window at the foot. And in the other bed was another person covered by a blanket. I couldn't tell if it was a hospital room, or a cell, or what. It was bright in the room, but there were no windows, save that in the door, or lightbulbs, or flourescents, or any other discernable light source.

I held up my hands, they looked unnaturally pale, and, examining them more closely I found that I had no fingerprint definition, not just on the tips of my fingers, but all the way down my fingers and palms... Impossible... I rubbed the souls of my feet together, I could tell instantly they had undergone the same glossy smooth transformation as my hands. I peeled the sheets aside, I was dressed in a white T shirt and boxers, which reminded me of LDS garments. Was I in a Mormon hospital/jail? That's what I asked myself. It would explain the overlying odor of warm stale gingerale... The floor was smooth concrete painted maroon. I sat up and put my feet down on it. The floor was warm to the touch, and pulsated with vague fluidity. Radiant heating, I presume. The pain in my side was noticible, but less than it aught to've been I lifted my shirt, and foud a token bandage wrapped loosely around me, I hooked my thumbs under it, stretched it away from me a bit and saw my wound, which was already more scar than scab, it was only then I mentally noted the observation that I had no body hair. Not on my arms, legs, chest, back, I reached my left hand in my shorts to be sure, not even any trace of stubble, I reached up my sleeves, finding the same to be true of my uncharacteristically dry armpits. I fealt around the hair on my head, it felt surprisingly bristly. As my fingers started to touch the edges of my face, it fealt so odd, I had to see it. With some effort I got up and faced the mirror.

I don't know how you'd react in my situation, but what I saw horrified me. Staring back at me from the mirror was the face of the man who stabbed me. Well, not quie, it was my face, only it wasn't, but it is. My nose was gone, no excuses, no traces left behind, just gone, I could feel air draw in and if I covered two distinct spots, in the middle of my face I couldn't inhale through my non-nose. That just caused air to rush in between my cheeks, which were opened up in a gastly JackO'lantern grin, I could bring my lips together, but my extended lips hung open in grotesque mockery of the effort. My eyelids were blackened ovals around my bloodshot eyes, my furrowed brow was hairless, all the way across. My hair was not as long as my attacker's, but had taken on the same fur like quality. Had he done this to me somehow? My features stood out more, unless I relaxed my face, which under the circumstances was more effort than tensing up. I sneered at my reflection, wondering why my eyes didn't feel dry, if I couldn't close them. I put a fingertip up to my right eyeball, wincing in expectance of pain. But I barely felt it. It was just like putting my finger to my eyelid. It felt like smooth plastic, but most things felt like smooth plastic to my newly smoothed fingers. But I found I could press and move my eyeball, and feel my eye moving underneath a surface, like an artificial lense. My occular cogetations were interrupted by the loud yawn of my roomate who suddenly sat up, threw his sheets aside, and stretched his arms up over his head.

My roomate had the same Mormon uderwear as me seeing him at first from the back I could tell he was pale, like me, like the man who stabbed me. His hair was long, but it looked stringy and greesy and did not have that same fur like quality. As he got up I whirled around, his face was somwhat different the cuts into his cheeks looked thinner, were we somehow both victims of the same madman?

He stumbled out to where he could see the feet of the beds. "So, you're Jeff Keller?" He inquired. I looked at him in a way that should have been quizzical, but with my realigned features I'm not sure what it was. I've never gone by Jeff in my life. But instead of saying anything I strode to the foot of my bed, where a chart hung, the name on it read Jeff T. Keller.

"I guess so." I breathed.

"I'm Jeff Hodek," he extended, smooth white hand. I glanced at his chart, which had the name Jeff K. Hodek at the top. "Judging from how you carry yourself, you must be new. You're lucky you got roomed with me, it's my third time back on the farm."

"Farm?" I shook the extended member, blankly.

"Oh of course!" He exclaimed, "you don't know anything about it. Don't worry you'll figure it all out." I was not necessarily affected by his confidence. In fact I was more frightened than ever of wherever I was.

My roomate oppened a steel chest at the foot of his bed and removed black dress pants, socks, and slip on shoes, and a white stitched together hoodie and doned them, I retrieved and reuctantly equipped the same garb from an identical chest at the foot of my bed.

"Watch out, Nubi," he warned, "Someone's gonna try to punk you for that name"

I wanted to ask something about the inigmatic statement, anything, but my hought process was interrupted by a sound like many ringing alarm clocks, I couldnd't see any alarm clock in the room/cell, or any kind of clock. The door swung open, soundless apart from the initial click.

"Breakfast!" My roomate declared. I could already see a train of identically dressed, and mutilated men moving down the hall as he beconned me out to join the throng.

I fealt a familliar sense of givving in surrendering my free will to the mob. I could not resist. I let go my reservations. Like always, I'm nothing but a cuck, a drone, and a puppet. And so sat I, a voyour, watching my own puppet show unfold. I watched myself join that river of smiling faces, marching like uniformed cadets, arrowed signs the crowd was following read MESS HALL ➡ I don't know why. It just all seemed so goddamn silly. I really couldn't help myself, at first I started tittering, just like a happy puppet, then began laughing with increasing volume and maniacality.

"Whoa, hey," my roomat exclaimed, his eyes stretching into vertical ovals, "are you alright, Jeff, take a chill pill."

My cacodeamoniacal cackling came to a cacophonous crescendo, drowning out the footsteps, my roomate's cautionary comentaries, but not the liquescent mechanical hum, playing off my bones through the floor. My pace was slowed as I had to catch my breath. "Watch it!" Grunted some Jeff who bumped into my back and pushed past me.

"Seriously," my roomate went on, "Chill pill! Left inner pocket." He demonstrated produding a small ziplock baggie containing three blue gell caps from tge recesses of his left hoodie pocket and returning it there to demonstrate. I mecame aware of the shape of the pills inn my own pocket, against my abdomen, but I had no interest in swallowing some weird goop from this place, which reminds me, the general slowing of mass locomotion told me I was in line for breakfast.

6
Spinpasta / Jeff The Killer And Jane Are Still Two People
« on: 03/21/19, 10:44 AM »
Three years ago on a web site called Archive Of Our Own a user known as mrskittycatmeow666 posted a story called Jeff The Killer And Jane Are Two People.
https://archiveofourown.org/works/4035769/chapters/9076030#workskin
I do not know this writer and cannot pretend to understand the process that lead her to write such a thing, but I know I'm picking it up right now because I'm bored, lonely and frustrated. Someone once told me that's the place fiction comes from. And if fiction means writing down things that aren't true in the hopes that it will entertain someone then that's what this is.
So here goes, it's a a story, it's about two people, and they're comin', they're comin' this way, and they have knives, and fire extinguishers, and what are you gonna do when two people are still commin', and they're comming to get you, yeah, that's right, with a vengence, and then you find out they're in a mansion and it's Slendy's mansion and you know it's it the middle of the forest, and it's a mansion, and it's in the middle of every forest in the world, yeah, just try to wrap your noodle around that. You'll need a pretty big noodle, 'cause it's every forest in the world, and it's two people and they're still armed and they're comin' for you, 'cause whatever you did, they know, 'cause they're two people, and.... They're just two people, it's Jeff The Killer and Jane. Here they come!


Chapter One: Can You Feel That?

In a dark, dark wood there is a dark, dark house, in the dark, dark house lives a man in a dark, dark suit, he is a man; because he wears a suit, walks on two legs, hugs with two arms, and urinates with one penis. He is not a man; because he talks and eats with no mouth, he sees and hears with no eye nor ear, he fights with six vaporous tentacles, and procreates with no testicles, exponentially reducing the population with each life he lends at interest. This story is not about him, you'd imagine there'd be some interesting stories about a man like that, there are fewer than you'd expect. This story is about two people, who happen to be guests in his house.

**POV Jeff**

Oh shit!

No he didn't! Yes, he did! That dickless, gutless, eyless punk really just threw down the gauntlet!

"She doesn't belong to you, man!" Jack yells at you. Pretty impressive volume for a guy without vocal chords. "She's her own person! Nobody belongs to you!"

Can you feel it yet?

That thick black ichor of anger, welling up inside you. But are you mad at this bag of bones, minus the bag, at everything he represents? Probably not, you're not mad at anyone just mad, stark raving mad, killing mad, of course Jane belongs to you, she was made for you, just you! You're Jeff The Killer, every future psychopath wants to ship their OCs with you, but you only want Jane. She should be goddamn greatful!

The dickless wonder's droning isn't making you any less angry, however. "Y'know, man, you're pretty hung up on appearances, with that smile, like, cut into your face like that, with... And the whole stitched hoody thing, how many of those things do you have? I saw you hand stitching a stack of them the other day, like, what the heck man, didn't DKNY start selling the official JTK hoodie now? You're still up in here, in the mansion every weekend making your own."

Seriously! He freakin' had to take it there, didn't he, or does he even freaking know?! Bonehead aint got a brain, after all. "I can't afford the DKNY ones! Is that what you want me to say!? I'm freakin' poor! And it's not like they paid me for licensing rights. I should kill you just for mentioning that shit!"

"You know, man, you're really giving off a lot aggression right now, that's the whole problem with being named after something you do, everybody, including you expects that to be the main thing you do!" You know one thing, it's definitely what you wanna do to Jack Skeleton, right about now. That thick syrupy blood of Ares is reaching critical mass inside you. You know it.

"Yeah I'm Jeff The Killer, and I do, in fact, expect killing to be the main thing I do, and from the time I earned that name, to the time I moved into this crummy mansion it was the main thing I did, but now it seems like the main thing I do is play tea party with a bunch of gutless dummies!" That's telling him.

"At least I've got a spine!" Jack declares. You aren't about to refute that statement. "You know what they used to call me, man? They used to call me Regular Jack. It was really embarrassing, I was walkin around, and keep in mind, at my school there was, like, a doezen Jacks, there was a Fat Jack, a Skinny Jack, Slow Jack, Quick Jack, Bottle Stealer Jack, Dependable Jack, Shifty Jack, Cowboy Hat Jack (who didn't wear a cowboy hat every day, it was really weird, some days he wore a leather face mask) and there I was just walkin' aroun'd, just Regular Jack and people'd be like, '"Oh jeez, I wonder what he gets up to, oh wait, I don't care, 'cause he's just plain ol' boring ol' Regular Jack, let's go see what Skateboard Jack is doing."' anyway one day I found out, came up and found... I was on the school bus and it crashed, I lost both my eyes at once, and then I found out I wasn't just Regular Jack anymore, and, when I saw both of my eyes cut most of the way in half, popped out of my head on the peice of glass that had stabbed all the way into my brain, when I saw that I realized that I don't need no eyes to be able to see. People put too much stock into organs and having them, so, yeah, I killed a lot of people , but that didn't make me Jack The Killer, 'cause I already wasn't just Regular Jack," you know he'll just go on like this, if someone doesn't stop him. "Being Eyeless Jack was alright, but it was a bit limiting, I knew I could live without other organs. And one day I decided that my skin was just holding me back, and I didn't need a bunch of skin around me, clingin' to me, holdin' me back. I feel a lot freer and a lot lighter, y'know without all that muscle and blood holdin' me down." How many times has he told this story? Aren't you getting sick of it?

"That's enough!" You shout, slapping Jack Skeleton, backhand, across the face. His skull goes flying across the room and lands in the corner.

"Seroiously, man!?" His muffled voice calls out from across the room. "You knocked my freakin' skull off, man! That's a low blow."


"Technically," you retort, "it was a high blow."

"Oh Jees!" Ben declares, from the doorway. "You shouldn't have done that!" He continues.

You feel a tap on your shoulder, you start to whirl around, your eyes are met with a wall of red, it's the fire extinguisher that Jane is hitting you in the head with. Red fades to black.


Chapter Two: It's Supper Time!

You know how sometimes you get into this situation where there are no good options, so you start examining all the bad options, it doesn't make the bad options look any better, but the worse the bad options look the more likely you are to choose one of the lesser or greater evils. Sometimes, though, you have no options, whatsoever, at all, that's it, no fatalism involved, just somebody else choosing what happens to you next, and not offering you a choice in the matter.

**POV Jane**

You shudders as you drops the massive red metal cylender to the wood pannel floor. Jeff lays on the floor the left side of his wan face painted as red as the fire extinguisher you struck him with, of course, it isn't paint, it's Jeff's blood.

Jack Skeleton is in the corner feeling around for his skull. "No, over here!" The skull shouts. His body continues feeling around the corner slowly and meticulously.

"Oh my gods! I'm so sorry Jeff did that to you, Jack!" You proclaim, rushing over to him you scoops up his skull and hands it to him.

"It's okay Jane, really, it's not that hard to knock my skull off. I don't have any cartilage or anything holding me together, so I'm used to stuff like this happening." The skull says in a reasuring tone, cradled in Jack's hands. You aren't sure you feel reassured.

"Um... Do you need help putting it back on?" You ask, raising an eyebrow.

"Nah, it's fine. Don't even trip." Jack assures you. "I'm a skeleton, I know how to put my own skull on."

Slendy enters the room from a door that literally was not there before he opened it, and literlally is not there after he closes it. You suppose he's always doing things like that.

"Good news everyone!" Slendy delclares, peaking his fingers together. "It's Supper Time!"

Jeff has risen to his knees wiping blood off his left eye with his sleeve. "Supper time? I can't eat anything right now, I've gotta go to a hospital."

"Why? So Doctor Apathy can tell you to take two and call him in the morning." Slendy's brow visibly furrows. "No, we are going to sit down and have supper together, and look eachother in the eyes, like a real family!" The irony of the statement is not lost on you.

"Honestly," Jack's skull injects, still cradled in his hands, "I don't think you and I have looked eachother in the eyes once the entire time I've been here."

"It's a figure of speach!" Slendy megaphones. "Now everyone pull yourselves together and get to the dining room, Jane, please return the fire extinguisher to the emergency hook. We keep a tidy house."

You comply with your host's demands you wouln't want to upset The Slenderman. You picks up the red cylender still dripping equally red with jeff's blood looking as if the very essence of the fire extinguisher is dripping off onto the floor. The same red essence, as if splattered from the fire exinguisher onto Jeff's face drips off of him as he shuffles, grumbling to the dining room, followed by Jack trying to click his skull into place while walking. You hang up the fire extinguisher, and join the misfit train.

To your surprise there is already several people at the long dining table. A redhead with a watch for an eye sits on the left of the far end and a frizzy haired blonde who was mumbling something about skin, pinching her wrist, sits on the right. Between them, in the far end seat, sat an alasken huskie, with a grin even bigger than Jeff's. A creature with incredibly long fingers sat beside the blonde, and NegMouse sat beside the redhead. Next from Negmouse was a shiny statue-like Ronald McDonald, and beside The Rake? was The Goat Man? Anyway next to R. McD there was a very tall brunette with blood dripping from her empty eye sockets, across from her a foam apple with a face was supported by a rusty stick, beside the apple was a tall black man in a gas mask, trench coat, and fedora. Sitting across from him was a pink pony with a frizzy mane, and three balloons painted? on its flank (not a cartoon pony, an actual pony, smell and all, yet somehow not an actual pony, because she's sitting upright in a chair and sipping tea from a cup held, in the forelock of her mane!?!?) It's a lot for your mind to process. As you're entering, the seat beside the pony is filling with black and white smoke, issuing from a box under the chair, the smoke solidifies into a cachina-like clown dressed in all black and white with black and white feathered shoulders and a long black and white cone nose, his hair seems to be bright red, dyed black. A man in a blue windbraker with a horrifically burnt face sits across from the clown, and barbed wire wraps around the chair beside him and pulls a man in a mirrored mask up from under the table, and sets him in the chair. Across from the man in the mirror mask, a swarm of spiders form themselves into a humanoid shape.  Ben takes the seat beside Spiders Man? as a pefect pixilated Sonic The Hegehog appeares, pixel by pixel, in the seat oposite him. Sonic's eyes turn black, and though he's made up of massive 1' x 1' pixels hyper realistic blood starts streaming from his eyes, even though it doesn't look real, like the blood still streaming down Jeff's face it does seem as if you touched Sonic's cheek you would get blood on your hand, Jack sits down beside the digital hedgehog, and Jeff takes the end seat oppsite the smiling dog, leaving only the seat to Jeff's left, between him and Ben for you. Reluctantly you take the seat.

Slendy enters the dining room, again from a door that isn't there. You'd love to know how he does that trick. "What're you doin' sittin' at the table?!" He demands of the grinning dog, which promptly hops out of the seat, and scampers over to your end of the room, yiping.

"It's okay doggie." Jeff says scratching it behind the ears. The dog pants happily, turns in a circle and chomps down on Jack's femur, he doesn't seem to notice.

"How come you kicked the dog off the table, but not the pony?" You ask. The pony instantly spits out entirety more tea than she could posdibly have just sipped.

Slendy appears
 cheek, the other, or both, depending on the angle of the observer.

Smile.dog laps up crumbs out of Jack Skeleton's pelvis.

"So," Jane asks, timidly, "Is this everyone?"

"Whatever do you mean?" Slendy asks, as another empty cupcake paper floats down to his tray.

"Is this the whole Creepypasta Mansion Society?" Jane clarifies her inquiry.

"My dear girl..." Slendy condescends, "This mansion exists in every forest in the world. I am hosting supper right now in every version of the mansion in this time zone."

"I'm attending five of them right now!" Laughing Jack interrupts. "And considdering dropping in late to a few more."

Slendy crinkles his brow, but quickly releases it. "Why, you're lucky you're even attending supper with the same person you came in with."

If sitting next to Jeff is luck, Jane isn't sure it's the good kind. Not that she has much experience with that kind of luck. If she wanted to change her cards, she'd have to fabricate her own luck.

"So," Wendy slent on, "The short answer is, no, this is most assuredly not everyone. There are still plenty of interesting folks to meet, here at Creepypasta Mansion, and so many different forests and towns you can visit."

The Rake nods in ascension.

"You can learn new tricks, from the best, and master your trade." NegMouse exuberates through his frosting caked screen. Then places his gloved hands around his neckline, "Wanna see my head come off?"

Slendy shakes his head, with an audible swish. NegMouse dejectedly drops his hands to his sides. "Aww shucks!" The Inverted Character sighs.

Smile.dog telekinets NegMouse's squished cupcakes across the room and drops them into his bowl, then begins chowing down on them.

NegMouse looks at his empty tray and shrugs, sighing more deeply. Barbie and Natale exchange a glance, and begin piling their cupcakes onto NegMouse's tray.

An old Dutch clock on the wall pops out a mechanical bird, which announces, "Cookoo!" It winds back inside with a mechanical twist that sounds like, "you're all" then pops out again proclaiming, "Cookoo!" Bizarrely, Natale's tongue mirrors the action, mechanical cuckoo and all.

"Alright," Slendy flourishes his right hand high in the air, that's all the time we have for supper, everyone, please clear out the dining room so it can be moved on to the next time zone." Slendy gets up and leaves through a regular door, closing it behind him, and everyone else begin to file out.


Chapter Four: And What Happened After

Events don't always play out in the way you'd expect, someimes they don't play out in the order you'd expect, but sometimes they play out in the exact sequence you would expect if you would just draw on the knowledge base you already have to know what to expect.

**POV Jane**

Slendy is such a commanding presence, it hadn't occurred to you before to ask, "Um... Does anybody else find it unusual that we just had dinner, and then supper?"

"N-nope," Ben studders, "pretty usual. It's hiw they did it beck in deh shire." He snorts, in the manner peculiar to euphoria enthusiasts.

"Are you a Hobbit?" You ask, genuinely curious.

"Yes," Jeff interrupts, grabbing you around the waiste from behind, and poking his chin uncomfortably into your shoulder, "he is a Hobbit, and he has hairy feet."

"No!" Ben defends, "I'm not a H-h-hobbit."

"What's that outfit, then." You ask, shrugging out of Jeff's embrace.

"Clearely," Ben circumstantiates, "these are Kokiri clothing."

"Wat's a Kokiri?" You ask, doubly confused.

"Wait!" Jeff announces, with a wild flourish, "I know this one! So, Ben comes from a word affected by a virus called Xorax-"

"Wrong!" Ben grumbles.

"Okay," Jeff continues unperturbed, "Volvox then, something like that, anyway it started turning all the adults into fish people and all the newborns into rock people, so the govenment found a way to halt the aging of adolescents and-"

"No! No! No!" Ben stamps his foot, "None of that is remotely accurate!"

"A' o' 'o..." Jeff gesticulates, shrinking back.

"I just realized..." You put an idex finger to the part of your lower lip that has lip on it. "I don't remember what dinner was."

"Of course you don't!" Jeff rises, cackling, to a haughtier posture, "Jack made it. No wonder you were so hungry at supper." Jeff resumes cackling, so much that he nearly doubles over.

"Jeff!" You scold him, "when did you become such a bully?"

Jeff straightens up, "Listen toots, if I've learned one thing in this world, it's that you're either a bully, or you get bullied."

"Oh sure!" You roll your eyes, "That's a great moral to the story of your life!"

"Grrr-r-row!" Jeff's eyes widen, (if that's possible,) "Maybe we should relocate this discussion to our bedroom."

"I'm not going to any bed room with you, Jeff!" You roars.

"Well you sure as hell aren't going to any bedroom with anyone else!" Jeff rages.

With stark suddenness the smiling dog leaps onto Jack Skeleton, knocking him to the floor between you and Jeff cutting the tension, as though with a knife.

Jack's skull pops off and rolls several times, before coming to rest upright on the flat of the lower jaw, "Stop! Down boy! Down Smile Dog!" Jack's skull shouts, hopping and clattering hilariously as he speaks, but the dog seems only interested in licking te frosting remnants off Jack's ribs and spine. "Oh I remember... Fetch, Smile Dog!"

With that the dog lept from jack's desacated body bounded over to the helpless skull and gingerly snaped it up between his massive jaws. Bushy tailed, The dog trots back and depositsthe skull in jacks hands. He sticks it back on as he stands up. The dog turns in several circles and looks up at Jack, panting expectantly.

"Sorry boy." Jack apologizes. "I don't have anything else for you to fetch."

"Oh I dunno," Jeff sneers, "you are made of bones, you could just throw some of those..."

Can a skull look flustered? In any case Jack's does, but you can't tell if that's really the case. Or it's just the natural skullyness of his skull, reflecting in his tone. "Y'know what Jeff, I've had to put myself together more than enough times today, why don't we take and... Why don't we throw some of your bones?!"

"Hey, back off!" Jeff swings an arm up defensively. "I need my bones to hold my flesh up! Well, most of my flesh." He cocks his head and winks? at you over Jack's shoulder. (It's hard to call it a wink, since he has no eyelids, but the right side of his face twitches like a wink, and his right eye narrows compared to the left.) In any case you don'te even want to think about what he's talking about right now.

"Yall are no fun!" Smiledog telepaths at everyone, including you, and he turns and walks down the hallway, with his tail swishing in the air.

The hallway?!

Didn't this door go to the living room before?!

You look back up the halway the way you came from, you know you haven't come that far since leaving the dining room, but all you see is a seemingly infinite hallway trailing off in both directions, you don't see anyone else from the supper, or at all, besides Ben, Jack, Jeff, the dog, and, if you look down, you. You realize you have to consciously look down to be able to see yourself, The only sensations you're aware of are the burning, unaturally hot burning, in your side where Jeff stabbed you, and the stinging in your cheeks where your lips used to end.

"Where's everyone else?!" You demand.

"Maybe they left through different doors?" Jeff shrugs.

Yeah right! What door? You can't see any doors anywhere in any direction. "What happened to the living room?!" You shriek, "Where are we?!"

"I know!" Jeff proclaims. "We're in Creepypasta Mansion!" He poses, grinning like a maniac, holding his thumb and index finger in the shape of a checkmark to the left of his face, leaning with his left knee bent.

You looks from Jeff, to Ben, to Jack, to Smiledog walking away, to Jack, to Ben, back to Jeff still holding that goofy pose. You can't take it anymore. Slendy coming through doors that weren't there before and a clown materilizing out of smoke were fun party gags, a talking pink pony, you can live with that, but disappearing living rooms, and being trapped in a never ending hallway with Jeff and these two doormats. That's just too much to deal with! You run, you don't know what else to do.

"Jane! Don't run!" Jeff calls after you, "That's the worst thing you could possibly do!"

"No running in the halls..." Ben adds meekly.

You don't care what any one, or the rules, have to say about it, you runs, you doesn't look back.

"Spread the word!" Smiledog telepaths at you as you pass him, "Wooof!" He adds aloud.

You runs faster and faster, you closes your eyes, you doesn't hear anyone running after you. You are flying, free, you run like the wind, you are the wind, and suddenly, you aren't.

You run into something soft and warm. You collide with a warm fluffy mass you sink into it and colide more jarringly with a rock hard silky smooth object, which gives way to the impact and toples over and over with you cradled inside it before skidding to a stop underneath you.

You open your eyes and find yourself face to face with a fluffy fuchsia pony tale, wrapped between two upward jutting pink hind legs.

"Ehem!" Says Pinkie Pie's head, from behind you, supported by her neck, cranining up from between your legs.

There is, of course, an entire intact pony underneath you, but this certainly isn't the usual way one is mounted, you're not even sure how Pinkie Pie feels about being mounted. Wouldn't it mean something different where she's from anyway, in that case maybe this would be the way to do it, if you were to do it. Not that you're thinking about it, right? You heave yourself off the pastel penequine, and slowly pick yourself up.

She goes through a quick routine getting upright and straightened out, you aren't sure if a chorus of servo noises emit from her joints, or you imagine them.

"Fancy us running into eachother twice in one night." She exuberates, bouncing on her hooves.

"I'm pretty sure that's the first time we've actually run into eachother." You joke, shakily.

"Oooh are you not the same Jane Arkensaw I was at supper with tonight?" She asked batting her eyes, like ponies do.

"No... I mean yes... I mean I'm her... Me, but... Nevermind." Great now she'll be as confused as you. "Wait, are there multiple mes?"

"Hmmm..." She ponders, "I don't think I've met any, at least not since MiiTomo shut down."

You have no idea what that answer was, and you're not prepared to dissect it. "Are there multiple yous?" You should know not to expect any clearer an answer.

"Psht, of cours, I saw a whole herd of yews just the other day." Is this pony jus trying to make jokes out of your questions? Her answers are inemicably confounding.

You are sure you are not imagining the sound of Jeff's slippons rhythmically slapping on the tiles of the hallway. He's started running after you.

"I've got to go." You starts running as you offer your excuse to the pink pony. You runs a lttle slower with your eyes wide open, she canters up beside you, easy as pie.

"Are we running in the halls?" She beams.

"I..." You gasp, "guess so..."

"Weeee!" She thrills shrilly, "hop on!" She snatches you by the wrist with her forelock, swings you up onto her back and takes off down the hallway at a gallup. You can't tell if you're holding onto her mane, or it's holding onto your hands but you feel so safe now. Jeff will never catch you at this speed.

Chapter Five: The Quick And The Fled

"Faster, Pinkie Pie!" Jane shouts, with unacustom glee!



"Okidokiloki!" The pink pony proclaims.



"Liars!" Jimmy barks as they blow past.



Jane looks over her shoulder she can see Jeff pulling a Chariots Of Fire, while farther back she sees jack with his hands on his hips and Ben holds up a cautionary hand.



Suddenly the hallway behind them falls away and is replaced by another hallway. This has been happening constantly, but it's only moving at this speed that Jane is able to see it.



Mr. Barbed strolls just ahead, surrounded by a hoop of barped wire. Pinkie leaps clearing it easily. Jane notices the hallway being replaced ahead.



**POV Jeff**



You can't freakin' believe this, you probably should have explained hallways instead of joking around, of all the messed up creaturs she could have run into in this neogothic hellscape, it had to be that damned sadistic horse monster. You may be a psychotic psychopath, you're deffinitely a multiple murderer, but you are no sadist.



You start running as fast as you know how, you've got to catch up to her before something weird happens. Not that any other kind of thing is bound to happen in a damned hallway. The rule with halways, and how can you explain something like that in a house that "officially" has no rules, but unofficially has all kinds of rules like no running in hallways, more specifically the rule with halways is proceed at a leisurely pace, until you get where you're going. Also keep fire extinguishers on emergency hooks, in case of emergencies, which emergencies apparently include whacking you upside the dome for no good reason. And dozen's of other unspoken rules, the breaking of which can lead to unforseen consequences.



Where did Smile Dog go? He was just ahead of you, you didn't blink, you couldn't if you tried, but he was just ahead of you, you didn't pass him, he's not there now, but you can still see Jane ahead she's talking with that murderous malefactor of a mare.

(More to come in this chapter. Someone dropped the ball, and it landed on Ben Fugman's toe.)


Chapter Six: The Door That Didn't Go Anywhere

If it were up to you this would be over by now, there would've been a time skip or some other cheap trick, any kind of lazy device to bring this nightmare to a close, you wonder, why, in this day and age, is something like this allowed to go on, this can't be serious, can it? How do you differentiate between serious or not serious, is there some formula that has to be followed to either make it serious, or to make it a joke you can appreciate? What if puzzle peices are being handed to you, one at a time, and though you can't see what they form, you expect it will be a complete picture? What if you know the picture being assembled isn't to your specific taste, say, you're mostly into realism and you're already seeing the corner of a melting clock, or some such surreal thing, are you gonna give up on the puzzle? Just because it's not your favorite style, does that mean you can't have fun putting it together? These are all questions. That was a statement.

**POV Ben**

You tried to warn Jane not to run in the hallway, you tried to warn Jeff too. Jeff already learned the hard way about running in halls once, now they've both disappeared down the hall, and you're stuck here alone with CMS's premier weight loss guru.

"Where'd they--" Jack starts.

"Wh-why-y-y d-d-does shi-i-i-it likethis onlyever ha-a-pe-pen tomeeeeee-eeeee-EE?!" Echos throughout the hallway, from both sides of you, in Jeff's voice.

"Yep," you conclude, "Jeff fell into hypothetical space again."

"What about..." Jack pauses, jaw agape, you almost hear a gasp, but you asume it's just the wind in the hallway whistling through his bones, since he has no lungs or larynx to gasp with.... But then how does he talk? "Jane?" He completes his thought as awkwardly as he paused it.

"Look, Jane will be fine as long as she paces herself, and doesn't try to outrun the hallway." You try to assure him, failing to assure yourself, but why should you care? "As for Jeff, we can be sure he's nowhere, for an indefinite period, as a matter of fact, what Jeff? As far as we're concerned, he doesn't exist right now."

"So," Jack's cheekbones seem to sag. "What should we do?"

"What do you mean asking me a ridiculous question like that?" You shoot him a stony glare. "We are in a hallway! There's only one thing to do, we're just-- we're gonna keep walking on down this hallway-- proceeding at a leasurely pace and-- hey! Don't give me that look! We're just gonna keep going until we get where we're going."

"But," Jack starts again, "how will we find Jane, we have to make sure Jane's okay!" If he had a brain, or any other thinking organ's, you'd say he has a one track mind. As is, you can't figure what his angle is in this, he obviously seems intent on getting Jane alone, but he's a skeleton, what's he gonna do, bone her? Well, even with no flesh to make it apparent there's no denying the boner he has for her...

"I guess..." You conjecture, "If where she is is where we're going, then... Yes?" You don't even try to sound convincing. If it were up to you you would be going to your room to get on the N64.

Jack flashes puppydog eyes, well as much as someone without eyes or cheeks can do. It's not your problem what happens to Jane, and as for Jeff, good riddance, so you do exactly what you should have done since entering this hallway, you proceed at a leisurely pace. Jack follows you, but you can see the tension in his shoulder blades.

Finally, you come to a door. It's a regular door. Not the door you were hoping for. You wanted to reach the big black patterened double doors of the dormatory wing. Instead here it is, a goddamn regular door, leading to a goddamn common room.

"Well," you huff in frustration, "looks like we're going through this regular door. Could to lead to any of billions of varients of any of the six hundred and sixty six stardard common rooms in the mansion."

"I know what a regular door is, Brainiac!" Jack indignates. "Do you think it will take us to Jane?"

"It's a door." You glare blankly. "It won't take us anywhere." You turn the nob and open the door a crack, "We have to go through it. If Jane happens to be on the other side will you shut up?"

"I make no promises." Jack turns up his skeletal nose.

You open the door and tiptoe through, followed by Jack's rickety bones. You've entered the upper level of a dusty old library the shelves are packed with all sorts of reading materials, from small leaflets, to zines, to paperback novels, to thick encyclopedic texts, and heavy leather-bound tomes; all mostly written in modern American English. You notice something else right away, the shelves are plastered with advertisements, posters, banners, cardboard stand-up's at the edges. Even the numerous book marks were all printed with advertisements, mostly for producs or services, completely irrelevant to you.

"What is this place?" Jack clatteres.

"I think we're in Creepypasta dot com." You say. "It wasn't always like this."

"But why would Jane, or anyone, ever come here?" There's ol' one track Jack for ya.

"Look around Jack? Do you see Jane anywhere around here?" You inquire in what you think is a very lawyerly tone, but it isn't. "Do you see anyone around here, do you see the door we came in through, do you see any doors? So... Look it's really not important where Jane, or Anyone else is right now, what's important is that we find out why we are in this garishly decorated library, and how to get out."


"What?!" Jack shrieks. "There's no doors, Ben?!" You thought you made that pretty clear, but who knows what goes through the space in Jack's skull. "I thought about finding Jane the whole way here, so shouldn't we have found her?" It's probably mostly air.

"Halways don't take you where you want to be, they just take you where you're going." You mansplain. "If it had gone where I wanted, it would have lead to the dormatory wing."

"So," Jack puts his hands on his hip bones and taps his foot. "What you're saying is you messed it up, Ben, you threw us off by not thinking about Jane."

"Hey man, we can't all of us just always think about Jane all the time, just 'cause you're playing chase after the new girl doesn't meen you have to drag me along." You lecture. "For all I knew, Jane was going to the dormatory wing too."

"Oh yeah, sure!" Jack glowers, "That's exactly where she'd be headed after that argument with Jeff." He sarcastically vexasperates.

Your gonna say something extremely cruel that you'll regret later, suddenly you're interrupted by a loud sound like crinkling tin, now an automaton chittering ticks along in the background as Pop Goes The Weasel plays on a rusty whining music box cylinder. You and Jack look around, it's coming from behind a standup cardboard ad for the Jumbo Jack cheeseburger. As the note for Pop plays a worn tin box rolls out from behind the ad, propelled by the motion of its lid popping open. Black and white smoke rises from the box an begins to spiral over and uner into a point and solidifies into a swirly black and white cone, which becomes Lauging Jack's nose, as the smoke transforms into the rest of his body behind it.

"Heyo!"shouts the monchrome clown. "What's black and white, read all over, covered in blood, and found in a library?"

You hold your right hand under your chin with your index finger pointed up your left cheek and your thumb pointed up your right, looking at him sideways, with your right eyebrow raised and your lips screwd up in an antismirk. An expression you actually invinted.

"I give up." Jack shrugs his shoulder blades. "What is it?"

"This!" Laughing Jack declares brandishing a blood soaked, rolled up, copy of this week's New York Times, picked up from behind the Jumbo Jack ad. "Also I accept your surrender." He tosses away the newspaper, you don't hear it land for a long time, then you hear a distant crash, shattering glass a trash can rolling, the yowl of an alley cat. You can't see where the paper went, it's most likely irrelevant.

"Since when have you asked riddles?" You inquisit.

"I'm trying new material!" Laughing jack bursts defensively.

"Yeah, don't quit your day job." Jack cracks. Laughing Jack stares at him, in an over-exaggerated pout. His hair and feathers even slump. After a moment crickets chirp, a wicked jagged grin spreads over Laughing Jack's black and white face, his glossy teeth are down right reflective.

"Say," Laughing Jack gleefulluly querys, "how did you gents get in here?" The stripes on his sleeves ripple electrically.

"Just through a regular door." Jack shrugs again.

"Funny..." Laughing Jack notes, with mock concern, but no apparent touch of ironic humor. "I don't see any around here." His grin widens.

"Yeah," Jack affirms, "I guess it regularly dissapears. We can't see any doors out, here or downstairs, but, y'see, we've  to get outa here and find Jane."

"Oh," Laughing Jack grins wider still, the paint on his cheeks cracking, to reveal more paint underneath, he's a clown through and through. "You can't see any other doors?" You can tell he's messing with you somehow.

Before you can say anything Jack cuts in with, "Do you know how to get to where Jane is, from here?"

"Well," the clown props his chin up on his index knuckle, "it would take much too long to get to where she is right now from here, she'd be gone by the time we got there. I do just so happen to know where she'll be at nine pm and a rout to get us from here to there by then." His smile is so wide he looks like Venom in the old Spider-Man cartoons. You grimace, just a bit.

"Nine?" Jack exclaims, "That's hours from now!"

"It would take even longer to get to where she is now." Laughing Jack explains, "and she wond't be there by then, so it would be a waste of time." His grin sags into a sharky grimace. "Not that it makes any difference to me which way we go."

"So." You cross your arms. "What's this way you're talking about?" You've caught on that where Jane should be by nine pm is the dormatory wing. And even if it takes a couple hours, you'll be there by bedtime, or in your case, since you don't sleep, time to get on the N64

"Well..." The colorless clown comences, "are you familliar with the three basic door types in Creepypasta Mansion?"

"Of course!" You huff. "There are regular doors, plain looking doors which open into common rooms at scheduled intervals, dormatory doors, which lead to extradimensional spaces where corporial residents can build sterile living environments, and special doors which have a singular character to them, and always lead directly into their specific rooms, but usually lead to a hallway when exiting the room they are associated with through them."

"Exactly right, professor egghead you get an A plus for the day, but what can you tell me about the fourth type of doors?" Lauguing Jack asked in a cringe inducing tone.

"Do you mean fixed, or transient?" You ask. You never could figure out the numbering order.

"Transient doors are the fifth type, obviously." Laughing Jack gloats.

"Well, I think fixed doods have something to do with geographic residents..." You attempt.

"That's right, Dr. Smartypants." Laughing Jack sneers. "Fixed doors have something to do with geographic residents, also more often than not fixed doors are disguised. Notice anything around here that doesn't quite belong?"

You scan the room quickly and can't help noticing a single wall shelf in the lower level that isn't plastered in ads. "Oh, right." You snicker. "What library would be complete without a secret bookcase passageway?" You notice for the first time that there are no stairs. "How do we get down?" You trepidate.

"Like this!" Jack swings over the railing and climes down a book shelf, just like a skeleton.

You hoist yourself over the edge, landing atop a book shelf which cracks undeder your weight you crash down through every level of the shelf, breaking your fall by breaking it.

Laughing Jack hums a tune that could be London Bridge Is Falling Down, or Mary Had A Little Lamb, but the tempo doesn't quite match either, as he slowly descends on a little round art deco elevator you hadn't noticed, because of all the ads pasted to it.

"Okay," you snarl, "we're down here, now what?"

"You just have to pull out the right book, silly." Laughing Jack strikes an efiminate taunting pose.

You can hear Jack Skeleton muttering, "Eenie, meenie, meinie, moe!" He pulls a book and goes flying into a bookshelf along with the copy of By The Fire's Light, knocking off his right leg, and left arm.

"That's the wrong book!" Cautions Laughing Jack. "The one you need to pull is titled, No End House: The Complete Travesty."

While Jack is putting himself back together you wal up to the book shelf and scan across pointing with your finger there No End House: The Comple... Yup, you pull on the book. Immediately you fall back, the book spins in midair and lands open in your face with a Russian dating ad bookmark across your eyes.

"Wow! Can't you read?" Asks Laughing Jack. "That says The Complete Trilogy." He saunters up to the shelf and pulls on a book the same size and colors as the one you pulled.

The shelf swings out into a dry grassy stories nightscape. You walk outside followed by the pair of Jacks. The book shelf is attached to a patchy door made of rough cut planks on a dingy little one story shack that couldn't possibly have contained the library inside it. Inside had smelled like hardwoods and orange oil, and ink and paper. Outside smells like cat urine, dust and pine needles the contrast is undeniable. The door rattles shut Jack turns around and opens it revealing the dark musty interior of the shack.

"No turning back now." You say, with full resolve. A dirt path leads from the edge of the forest to a modest roomy looking two story house decorated for Halloween, above the porch stoop the legend reads No End House. The door is makrd with the nember 1. "So, where do we go from here?"

"We have to go inside!" Declares Lauging Jack. "The only way out is through the house."

"Through the house?!" Jack exclaims. "I seem to remember that not going so well in The Page Master."

Laughing Jack is already mountimg the stoop, so Jack bites the bullet and follows him. And you're curious, of course, you've never been to No End House before, and you've been meaning to visit.


Chapter Seven: Wh̰̮̭͞a͉͈̝̤͝ṱ̨͎̜ ̨̼͎̟̱ḭ̧̼̭n̙̤̥̬̖̦ ̬t̡̺̩̱̲͉̩h͉̦͓ͅẹ̲̻̭͘ ̦̹̦͢wo̥̦͎̙̙͚r̸͍̞̠ḻ̵̣͎̖͙d̙ ̥̣̹̰̼̦̩̕e̱̳v̸ȩ̠̦̦͎r͍̳̼̖̞̣͈͠ ̖̠͕̖͖̬͞ḅ̦̼͍͍̯̣e̬͚ca̶̝̲̫m̲̣̭e̴̪͎̘̤̯̲ ͉o̟̼̻f̫̯̞͙̘̹ ̬͖͎͕̩̮s̞͈̟̫͞w̪̻͎͈̭͖̼e̹̮̠̲ͅe͇̙̥̟̲͠ͅt͔̰̯ J̩̗͡a̶͍̬̬͓̖͉͕n͖ͅe͉͔̻̲̲?

How often do you find yourself fully satisfied with the outcome of events? How often do you observe that the plans you make come to fruition? If you're like most people, the answer is probably rarely, or never. But have you ever wondered why? Is it just that reality is random, and completely unaffected by your will? Or could it be that there is an entire universe parallel to our own, populated by shadow people working against you, and every other live human scurrying around making plans. What are shadow people? You ask. Well, I'll tell you.

Shadow people are shadows, or remnants, of human beings who lived and died badly. I know what you're thinking, "G-g-g-ghosts?!" Well, approximately, shadow people are often mistaken for poltergeist or demons. Shadow people emerge from the darkness, and to the darkness they return, and are capable of draging things with them, matter, energy, data, and more. The shadow people serve a common agenda, that agenda is set by the evil gods of the antiverse, in which they dwell. The most malevolent, if not the most powerful of these evil gods is known as Zalgo. Zalgo commands legions of shadow people, black eyed children, maniacs, psychopaths, and monsters. The elder gods have slept for eons, in that time the lesser outer gods have gained significant across the board advantages, while meaningless compared with the elder gods' ability to rewrite cosmic law on a whim, the lesser outer  gods understand cosmic law well enough to take spurious advantage of the systems in place, none are more diligent at this than the evil gods of the antiverse, and none is more ambitious than Zalgo, and the suffering of humans feeds Zalgo, and the death of the sufferers increases the ranks of his shadow people.

Given all I've just told you, you must be wondering if there is anything you can do about it. Don't worry, there isn't. Now then, can't you feel a tremendous weight lifting off your shoulders? So what should you do. I'd like to tell you that's entirely up to you, but I really enjoy lying to you, so there is that.

But I'm being rude, you came here to hear about Jane Arkensaw didn't you, and here I am, wasting your time and mine trying to explain the order of the universes. Oh well that's life for you, you are usually unable to achive your desires, though it is ocasionally possible, with effort, to obtain that which is necessary to your survival. As miserable as that may seem in theory it is nothing in comparison with the practical inversion of this principle. Just imagine if all your petty desires came to you with relative ease, but you were generally starved of the essential elements which allow you to function. Do you now feel more comfortable as concerns the status-quo? Probably not.

*POV Hatman*

Your eyes glow red beneath the brim of your solid black fedora. You are here for a purpose! Darkness flows down from your shoulders spreading and covering the ground like a black mist. You approach the wall of the allyway. The white chalk in your hand gleams pink in the light of your eyes. You must use it! Shinjuku is full of places like this, thin places, places where your chalk is not just chalk. He has sent you here, you will do his will! It is time! Bending like a spring you draw a line up from the ground, straight up seven feet, across four and down seven then a small circle on your left. The door looks so small to you, but of course it is bigger than a regular door, but it only reaches what would be your sternum, if you had bones. You know you can pass with ease through a door a fraction of the size with ease, still it looks small to you, but for them, it will be more than sufficient. You knock three times on the cold cement, it feels so warm against your black knuckles. With a crack that would sound sickening to some, which you find oddly satisfying, the section of cement wall swings outward, as golden light floods out of the aperture you receed into the shadows from whence you emerged, your mission comple.

*POV Pinkamena*

You gallop hard, but steady, you know this feeling well, you watch intentely as the sections fall into place in front of you crossing just as they click into place.

"I think Jeff fell..." Says Jane looking behind you.

"He should be fine, I think..." You nay cheerily, and snort. You feel Jane shiver.

Suddenly a section of halway lands in front of you that dead ends in a concrete wall. You stop galloping as quickly as you can. Lean back on your haunches and skid on your hooves, sending a trail of sparks cascading from your shoes. You're skidding too fast, you're going to hit the wall, you clamp your eyes shut tight, a sickening crack sounds, you're sure you must have hit the wall, but as one of your eyes pops open you see a section of the wall swing away fom you, and your skid ends you up in a dark alley on the other side of the wall, you spin around on the courser blacktop of the ally, so that you are facing the door you slid through. With a rusty creak the door slams shut, and a curious white powder falls away from the surface.

"What just happened?" Jane asks dizzily.

"Beats me..." You reply groggily.

"Where are we?" She demands, regaining her composure. "Is this part of the mansion?"

"Um..." You start, "I don't think so... Looks like..." You scan the patches of street visible at either end of the alley, you can see small various storefronts, most of the signage appears to be in katakana, or kanji, with one quaint little cafee labled in hiragana. "Japanese Land..." You posit.

*POV Jeff*

You've been walking for a long, long time, you're feeling kinda tired. Proceeding at a leisurely pace, with Jack and Ben in tow. Jack's footsteps sound heavier than usual, and Ben's sound somewhat metallic. Maybe it's this hallway, nothing makes sense in hallways.

"Don't worry Jane, I'm on my way!" Jack calls out daftly.

"You know she probably can't here you, right, airforbrains?" You hiss.

"Whoah, hey that's one darned big, big old concrete wall there, blockin' the hallway there." Jack changes the subject.

"What the freak?!" You freak out a bit. "That was not there!" The hallway in fron of you is indeed blocked off completely by a concrete barrier, before there was just infinite hallway stretching out before you, now there's this concrete wall, and it's not even perpendicular to the hallway it's at a slight but nonetheless disturbingly off angle, enough that an whole tile is exposed to your far right, while only a half a tile is exposed to your far left. You really wish you could straighten it somehow...

There is a door drawn on the wall, in white chalk. "What the heck kind of door is that?!" You demand.

Ben throws up upturned palms at either side if his face.

"Beats me!" Jack proclaims. "Spirit door?"

You narrow your bulbous eyes at the skeletal scatterbrain. "That's not even a type of door."

Jack mimics Ben's gesture.

"Wait!" You declare. "I saw this in a movie!" You walk up to the wall and knock three times. Nothing seems to happen.

"You didn't actually think that was gonna work, did you?" Jack taunts, suddenly a low rumbling emits from the wall.

"Uh oh!" Ben obnoxiously anounces. "You,shouldn't have done that." With a gutwrenching crack the marked section of wall swings into the hallway, swatting you aside like a bug. Still standing, you stumble around dazedly. "You've met with a terrible fate, haven't you?"

"Get - a new - line!" You huff.

"Go. To. Sleep!" The statue mocks, you just glare. Were Jack and Ben always this big of boneheads? Probably... You don't have time to question it now.

You step through the the rough jagged doorway, followed by the two tagalongs. The other side seems to be a factory of some kind the entire area smells of industrial lubricants and sour cheese. The concrete wall slams shut behind you, it is perfectly sealed. The factory seems to produce juice boxes filled with a white liquid, you assume it's milk, but the labels are printed in Kanji and Katakana, and you can't read Japanese, you can just barely tell it apart from Mandarin Chinese.

You grab a finished box off the assembly line stab the straw in, and take a sip. "I... Think it's milk..." You toss the box to Jack. "Here!" You anounce, "Helps build strong bones." You jest.

If a skeleton can wear an expression of malice, then Jack has one strapped on, if not, then never mind.

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